Thank you to everyone who replied to my post last week! This past week has been a whirlwind. I’m pretty sure my egg is cracked wide open.
I devoured the Gender Dysphoria Bible, and I found myself (maybe not surprisingly) relating to not all, but a lot, of the feelings and experiences described.
As I read more about how trans women describe their experiences, the more I realize that I’ve had similar feelings for a long time. Who knew that not every man secretly wishes he was a lesbian woman? I kind of thought that everyone had these feelings, and just settled for the disappointing reality of being male.
And I’m better able to put words to the positive feelings I get from growing my hair out, painting my nails, shaving my chest and legs - it’s gender euphoria!
I feel so excited, like I finally know who I am! And I’m so eager to learn makeup, get girl clothes, etc. And I really want to go on hormones. I guess any remaining potential doubt would be erased then - if I go on hormones and start to have a really bad time, then I guess I know I’m not trans.
I did talk to my therapist, and she was so encouraging! She was completely affirming, and at the end of our session she said that she could see me as a woman, and that felt so good to hear! I get butterflies in my stomach and keep smiling when I think about it.
She did encourage me to take my time though. I’m really excited, but I am also extremely nervous and scared about how people might react, especially my wife. She’s bisexual, and she’s been really supportive of my gender exploration so far, so those are both good things. But she’s also autistic and sometimes has a hard time adapting to rapid changes.
So I feel like I need to make sure I know what I want, and that I’m able to answer any questions she might have about what my transition process is going to look like - and there are still a lot of questions I don’t have the answer to.
And I worry a lot of how my family, friends, and work might react to my coming out. I’ve spent a lot of time getting educated, getting a good job, and building a nice little life, and I don’t want to mess it all up. And unfortunately, my immediate family are all devout Catholics, so I don’t anticipate a great reaction from them…
I get my hair cut at an LGBTQ salon, and I think at least one of the stylists there is a trans woman. Would it be appropriate/inappropriate for me to ask her if I could talk to her about her experience?
I don’t know any other trans women in real life, and I think it would really help me to have someone to talk to. But I also don’t want to just dump all my burdens on someone either.
Any other advice on what I should do, or things to consider, would be really welcome - I’m just trying to figure out how I want to navigate this.
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next steps, read: https://transfemscience.org/articles/transfem-intro/
You can always take transition steps at your own pace, but educating yourself early and often is a good idea.
Big congrats!
Good for you.
Ayyyy there she is! Remember there’s no right way to be a woman, and no right way to be trans. Follow your heart! Congratulations on your exploration :3
Oh, I almost forgot! (Please excuse me replying a second time)
In case you haven’t seen it, and are getting impatient, there’s always Turn Me Into A Girl
Ahh I remember that one. Made me cry with how affirming it is when I used it the first time <3
Speaking from experience as a trans woman myself, the best advice I can give is follow your heart and do what makes you happy. I’d recommend finding some local trans communities where you live, and also getting a gender affirming therapist to talk to, these things have been helpful to me.
Yay, welcome to the sisterhood!
I don’t really have anything other than congratulations to add that others haven’t already mentioned. From my experience I’d recommend really making an effort to keep communicating with your wife. Especially if she’s having trouble adjusting you may find yourself wanting to hide parts of your transition (if you choose to do so) from her, and that’s likely to cause trouble.
Best wishes for the future <3
Thank you! <3
And your comment is prescient! Earlier today, in my infinite wisdom, I forgot that my YouTube account is logged into our TV, and my wife saw that I had been watching Abigail Thorn’s coming out video. I hadn’t planned on having this particular conversation with her for a little while longer until I felt like I had my thoughts collected better, but we ended up having a very emotional, but I think ultimately good, conversation about where I am with my gender identity and how I want to express it.
She’s very understandably a little overwhelmed and feels like it’s coming on all of a sudden, but she was also very reassuring that she isn’t going anywhere and will support me. I think there are certainly going to be some things that aren’t easy over the course of my transition, but we’re both committed to each other and staying open and communicative. We may do some couples counseling, and go to some support groups for trans people and their spouses, as things progress.
Point well taken though, I will do my best to stay as open and honest as possible throughout!
Oops! But all’s well that ends well :3
I’ve also been watching Philosophy Tube recently, although since she’s from the North of England we are clearly sworn enemies for life.
if I go on hormones and start to have a really bad time, then I guess I know I’m not trans.
Your gender is your own! If you feel like a woman then that’s it, you are a woman. If you take hormones and you don’t like it then you stop taking hormones and nothing else really changes. Maybe it can make you reconsider some things, sure, but plenty of trans people don’t take hormones, or only take them to achieve some goal and then stop. How important HRT is will vary from individual to individual. Yeah, for some people HRT is the difference between life and death, but brains are complicated and varied so you’ll have to feel things out and figure out what it is for you.
Transitioning is about exploring yourself and finding out how to change the way you express yourself to become more comfortable, and nothing more.
Best of luck, and may all your girldreams come true <3
The advice given here is great so far. Definitely try to find a trans meetup nearby, knowing other trans people will do a lot to help both mentally and logistically.
Like the other commenter said, being trans is a marathon. It’s literally lifelong, it doesn’t end it just gets easier.
Try to figure out what transition means for you. How do you envision yourself? What procedures, if any, would you want? You have plenty of time to figure it out so don’t pressure yourself, but it’s good to start thinking about it. Social transition is usually the first “step”, as is getting on HRT if you wish to. Now would be a good time to start thinking of names (I have a whole spiel on that if you care to hear it)
On the topic of HRT, know that it might be weeks/months before you start seeing changes. They will start to slow down around 2-3 years.
A motto to keep in mind regarding transition is that it will only get easier. Take this from someone who’s been transitioning for over a decade :)
Thank you for your advice 💛 I am very much still in the boat of trying to figure out exactly what transition means for me.
In the short term, I know that I want to keep doing the “easy things” - growing my hair out (it’s already shoulder length, continuing to shave my body and paint my nails, get my ears pierced. All the stuff that I can do and still reasonably pass as cis.
Shaving my face is going to a little trickier - I haven’t been clean shaven in 10 years and my wife has never known me without a beard. So that will be a big change.
I want to start HRT, but that’s a little tricky too, since my wife and I want to have kids. That’s going to have to be a conversation, about whether we do cryo and IUI, or adopt, or if there’s an off chance that HRT doesn’t make me sterile.
As far as surgeries, I feel like that’s a little hard to say right now, without knowing where I’ll be with my transition after socially transitioning and a few years of HRT. I’m not opposed to FFS, top surgery, and I don’t really have dysphoria about my genitals right now, although I know that can change over time.
I feel like it’s hard to be able to say “I want to do X, Y, and Z, and then I’ll be done transitioning.” Right now, it feels a lot more like “I know the direction I want to keep moving in, but I don’t know what the ‘end point’ is”, if that makes sense.
And yes, please share your spiel on names!
In the short term, I know that I want to keep doing the “easy things” - growing my hair out (it’s already shoulder length, continuing to shave my body and paint my nails, get my ears pierced.
I think all of that is a great idea! Regarding ear piercings, I can’t recommend going to a proper piercing shop enough (vs something like Claire’s). It’ll heal better, you’ll get better starter jewellery, and it really doesn’t cost that much. Lobe piercings are pretty painless and only take a month to heal.
And yes, please share your spiel on names!
I liken picking a name to stargazing
Picture yourself lying in a grassy meadow, gazing up at the night sky during the darkest night of the year. Looking up, you see an endless ocean of stars, far more than you could ever count. You admire the vastness of the sky, the infinite possibilities, and the beauty of it all.
As your eyes adjust, you find that some stars shine brighter than others. The more distant ones fade into the background, and the brighter ones appear to form patterns- constellations. As you continue to admire the night sky, your eyes pick out the brightest dozen or so stars among these with the most prominent placements.
Your eyes flit back and forth between these, giving each one a moment to admire its beauty. Eventually, you realize your eyes keep being magically drawn towards one star in particular. You look at another, and then another, but no matter how much you try to look away, this one star keeps pulling you back. The other stars are undoubtedly beautiful, but this one star directly above you has something that sets it apart. Its draw is inescapable.
That star is your new name.
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Ooh I like that analogy! I’ll keep it in mind as I try to find a name :)
And complete agreement on the importance of getting pierced by a pro! I got two cartilage piercings in my one ear a few years ago, and I had a great experience with the professional piercer, and they warned me off of any place like Claire’s hahah
First of all, congratulations! I hope that you find the journey you are embarking on as soul-filling and effervescent as many of your trans siblings.
Coming out to my family is probably the most single difficult thing I’ve ever done. I was in a good place life-wise (financially, friends, relationships, etc), but I knew they wouldn’t understand, and would likely say some hurtful things, all of which happened. Some people prefer to deliver the message via a letter or email in order to better compose their thoughts. I really like this idea in terms of crafting the message you want to send, but I also believe that it’s an important enough matter that the people who you care most about deserve to hear about it from you first-hand (offering a letter or email after the fact to ensure your whole message gets through). Today, my family still doesn’t quite get it, but it’s no longer the anguish for them that it started as.
Be prepared for your life to change. Your good job could go away, and you could find it difficult to find a new one. That’s the situation I’ve found myself in. I thank my lucky stars I have a partner that’s willing to support me and enough of a nest-egg to get by without fearing homelessness.
I get my hair cut at an LGBTQ salon, and I think at least one of the stylists there is a trans woman. Would it be appropriate/inappropriate for me to ask her if I could talk to her about her experience?
As a general rule, I would flag that as inappropriate. Many many transgender women prefer to be seen as just plain old women. Approaching someone you suspect is trans and saying “Hey, I’m pretty sure I’m trans too! What up sis?? Can you help me?” has a high likelihood of making that person feel less like a woman (like any other) and more like a trans woman. Now it’s also equally likely that they won’t find it inappropriate at all and would delight in the opportunity to help you. You never know; people are all different. If I were in your shoes there, I’d talk to my regular stylist (the person who usually works with you) and let them know where you’re at regarding your gender identity, and you’d like your hair to reflect that, but you’re totally new to this, probably need a lot of help and aren’t sure how to even ask for help. Let them know when you book your appointment that you want to do something new with your gender expression and would like help with it. Chances are that your regular stylist knows more about their coworker and how they prefer to be interacted with. Again, as a general rule, don’t single out trans people for being trans; treat them they way they prefer to be treated and (if they want to) they will gravitate to you.
That said, you will definitely want to find some transgender friends. These will be people you can commiserate with, ask for favors, teach you about blue eye-shadow, all that nonsense. This could be tricky though, as there aren’t a ton of common socialization venues just for trans folks. If you’re in a reasonable-sized city, there’s probably a queer resource center or website that you can start from. See if they have a bulletin board where people post meet-ups or activities that you can jump in on. Also, it may be a little scary, but look at starting one on your own! What are your interests and hobbies? If there isn’t already a queer group for your activity of choice, make it! Queer and queer ally bowling team, or biking club, or movie fans, or sports, or whatever. Discord servers are popular these days, but finding people you can hang out with in meat space can’t be replaced.
Oh, and hey, your lemmy friends are here to help too. <3
Coming out to my family is probably the most single difficult thing I’ve ever done.
This is what I’m most afraid of. I know my wife will support me, even if she might struggle with the changes. And her family are more open-minded - at the very least, I think they would have the decency to not talk shit to my face.
My family, though. My brother that I’m closest with has said some transphobic things to me in the past, and the Catholic Church is not exactly the bastion of trans rights. And they’re all intense Catholics, so I’m very worried about how they’ll react. I hate that I have this knot in my stomach, that I have to worry if my family is going to abandon me because I want to be who I really am
I really like the idea of a conversation followed up by a letter! I feel like that would let me make sure I say everything I want to say, how I want to say it, in a form they can keep going back to to reread as much as they need.
Your good job could go away, and you could find it difficult to find a new one.
I am blessed with a great partner who I know would support me, and we could get by without my income, but I also would prefer to keep my job! I like it and think I’m good at it, and even if it is a more conservative field (utilities), I do live in a purple state that has pretty good LGBTQ anti-discrimination laws.
As a general rule, I would flag that as inappropriate.
Good to know! I’ll follow your advice and talk with my usual stylist and go from there.
And I am fortunate to live in a smallish city that does have an LGBTQ resource center (that I’ve heard is quite good), and there’s a larger city that I know has a good community only about 45 minutes away. The one here actually has a TTRPG night every few weeks, and that’s already one of my hobbies!
I also love gardening, art, and sustainability stuff in general, so maybe there’s a chance I could start a queer community garden or something like that!
Oh, and hey, your lemmy friends are here to help too. <3
Thank you so much 💛 it means a lot to get support from this community, and I really really appreciate it
If you don’t know any other trans people, look into some queer local groups and go meet some. I was lucky that my therapist offered to connect me with another trans patient of theirs with a similar age and background, so I had someone to talk to and 7+ years later, we are still friends.
Make sure the other person you talk to is up for helping guiding you. It’s a big ask, and not one everyone is mentally equipped to take on.
Yep, exactly! I don’t want to assume they’re up for it and then be a burden, or ask for something that isn’t a fair request of someone I don’t really know.
There is also a local resource center that has a trans peer support group that I might check out too
Congratulations! It is great that you feel more confident and euphoric by making such a discovery about yourself.
I do not want to diminish your joy, but keep one thing in mind: You are in for a marathon, no matter how much it may feel like a sprint right now. You have time to figure things out: What suits you best, what you want to do in regards to your appearance and your presentation and which steps to take next, etc.
Some things unfortunately take time, but that is also why it is important to not pressure yourself too much. You do not need to have all the answers right away.
One example is HRT: While the start of HRT is a big moment in the lives of most trans people, HRT is a slow process overall. Just finding the right dosage for yourself may take months and depending on various factors (genetic, age,…) visible changes may take a long time to manifest.
So, take the time you and your wife need to adapt. You can figure things out along the way.
In regards to the trans haircutter: As you do not seem to know that person, perhaps do not ask about her personal journey right away. It may come of as intrusive. If she offers such information on her own, sure, go for it.
But my advise would be to ask her about local resources. Most cities of a certain size have a trans/LGBT+ support network of some kind or other, something the haircutter may be a part of and/or may have taken advantage of herself.Such networks are very useful to know about because its members can tell you about the right doctors which are familiar with HRT (not every doctor can be trusted with it unfortunately), other trans friendly health care providers, queer friendly businesses, various safe spaces, meetups and more.
But despite my reservations, please do not feel discouraged! Be assured, I am glad that you already feel more like yourself and I wish you all the best on your journey! 🍀
Thank you! 💛 I don’t feel discouraged at all, that’s exactly the kind of advice I was looking for.
Because you’re right, I definitely don’t want to come across as intrusive to someone I don’t really know. But I think talking to someone would really help me to start to get some answers about what sort of networks and doctors are available locally.
Pacing myself is hard, but I think you’re right, and I’m going to have to keep reminding myself - it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
