Ladies and gentlemen, as is tradition when this utter foolishness is discussed, may I present: Texas Annie, performed by The Wet Spots
Well, Texas Annie had a big fat fanny, and she drove a black sedan She had Ben Wa Balls in her overalls and a trunk full of contraband And when the fog was thick, she’d pack her dicks, and sneak across the county line 'Cause in Texas, any tool for masturbation is a crime
Hard-livin’ and promiscuous, she kinda liked the risk She was a liquor-drinkin’ dildo-runnin’ rascal With an electronic phallus for each housewife up in Dallas An’ a probe for every asshole in El Paso
Cos you can’t buy a dildo in Texas We don’t touch ourselves down there round here, ya’ hear? And it says so in the Bible that a vibe’ll leave you liable For a prison term of twenty-seven years
Can they rent Ted Cruz instead? He’s a dildo.
“Compromises the innocence of children”???
Unless you are incredibly liberal parents, children don’t even know what the fuck those are until they’re old enough to recognize it as anything more than just a “tube”. By the time they grasp the idea that it’s something sexual, they’re old enough to handle that knowledge.
“smaller government” apparently just means few dildos for the inspector to have to count.
Republicans have long wanted a government small enough to fit inside a vagina.
Does this mean that independent sex shops will thrive in texas? It could be a good thing for small business.
“So, what are you in for?”
“Seventh dildo.”
Finally found a quest I’m absolutely sure my D&D group has NEVER played before.
This was one of the laws broken in Half As Interesting’s “Crime Spree,” which became the pilot of their series “Jet Lag: The Game.”
If you have Nebula, it’s worth a watch.
These people CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!!
The Texas House has at least 87 dildos. Someone should report them.
So this means that Texas dildo inspector will be a job in the future. Just wow
One for each day of the week except God’s day, as He said “on the seventh day you must [give it a] rest”
Always love how republicans and conservatives are constantly so preoccupied with sex, sex, sex all the time and in ever more imaginative and obscure ways.
I now associate their religious beliefs to sex, Jesus, sex, guns, sex, the American flag and sex.
“The government needs to stay out of people’s lives! Unless it’s the private activities of people I find icky, then they should control the hell out of them!”
Modern conservative mentality … “Everyone should suffer and be sacrificed for my benefit, in this life and the next!”
… actually, it’s always been like that,
Did you say “Jesus sex”?
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WT ACTUAL F did I just see
That guy was called Longinus. His lance is legendary I hear
Biggus Dickus is next in line.
Jesus Fucking Christ … literary!
Is this the second cumming?
Jesus is coming…. grab a towel.
Not healthy sex - fucked up power-games sex.
… so S&M and BDSM? … the power of the Lord, with a ball strap to your mouth.
Consent is the cornerstone of BDSM and ideally any kind of power exchange is discussed beforehand and freely agreed upon by all parties involved.
Oh good … what’s the safe word in Texas then?
It can’t be, because BDSM is too consensual for them
I think they mean the “You want the job, but not the dick? That’s not how this works.” kind of sex.
Genital Obsessed Party
I don’t agree, but I’ve also literally never seen a sex toy for sale in Walmart. Like, is that a thing?
look near the condoms. You’ll find some really basic and boring ones.
Last time I looked (years ago, admittedly) you’d also have to know what you were looking for to find it. Like a plain box with no pictures that just says “personal massager”. You can find racier stuff in a Spencer’s.
Enterprising Texan pervert invents a dual-function gun-dildo that is constitutionally exempt from sex toy laws.
Pump action shotgun dildo
I have seen some interesting sawzalls online…
Even better would be a pump action shot gun dildo in the shape of a cross with a beautiful carved image of Christ on the cross on top of the shot gun.
I know it’s not what you described but it reminded me of this:
…Jesus Christ
Dildo H Christ
That looks like a Pez dispenser … but I don’t think it dispenses candy
A gun made entirely out of weed. Why hasn’t this been done before!
Cheech and Chong were on the right track with their weed van.
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How’s fixing that power grid going, Texas?
So surprisingly a couple things have actually happened. Renewables are still showing explosive growth, it helped stave off as many rolling blackouts this summer. Also, they finally agreed to tie into the national grid.
Now, did they actually winterize and help prevent what happened a few years ago? Who knows, we haven’t been told shit so probably not.
I was completed floored about the tying into the national grid part. I never thought I’d see that in my life.
Knowing them, it was probably just cheaper to tie in vs fixing anything. Also our explosive population growth would have made boosting our infrastructure almost impoosible…oh wait I meant cost them too much money.
Well, credit where it’s due I suppose.
Perhaps that explains why legislators keep finding time to meddle in people’s pants.
They can do two things at once.
They’re not, but they could.
It’s Texas Republicans we’re talking about here. I’m not at all convinced that they can.
We did fuck all and ERCOT is optimistic about the winter for some reason.
If they can outlaw a specific store from selling something, they can outlaw any store from selling anything. This isn’t just about sex toys, it’s a test to see what they can get away with.
Tbf, the bill targets “retail stores,” not specifically Walmart.
The point stands. There is no TBF here.
You know, studies show that keeping a dildo inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That’s why I own 10 guns, in case some maniac tries to sneak in a dildo.
Most likely snuck one in whilst you were typing. You need to be more vigilant.
