meeting women is really easy if you’re friends with women. they always have single friends who they’d be happy to introduce you to. obviously don’t be friends with women just for this purpose though
Agreed, but seems like then you should do it for yourself (physical and mental health, stimulation from learning skills, broadening horizons) and if you make friends in the process that’s cool.
Most people have good qualities that make them attractive (if you have none then that might be something to work on). Just treat women like they are ordinary human beings (which they are) - ask questions, listen to the answers, check back with them at a later date to see if that thing they mentioned worked out, offer to help if they have a problem, etc.
Most men can drastically improve their appearance with some effort. Best plan for this is to ask your closest female friends what you can do. Also, having an attractive personality counts for a lot (potentially more than looks depending on the woman) assuming you aren’t fuck ugly.
If you want, send me a pic (privately) and I’ll tell you if it’s really over or what you can do to look better. As for friends, that’s more complicated, but I got all my friends by talking to strangers in public.
Opposite for me. I’ve gone on plenty of first dates via apps, and a few second dates, but have only ever “dated” people that I happened to meet organically.
Honestly, I’m good. I never really used apps but I have had a lot of girlfriends through mutual friends and such. I’m just over it. I’m tired of romance and especially tired of sexuality. I just want to program computers.
Yes, I understand. But it’s less about the sex & moreso the companionship. When you’re 58 years old hanging out by yourself day in/day out, you may wish you’d put more effort into developing relationships.
I have sufficient companionship. Plenty of true friends who know and love the real me. I’ve been more fortunate in this than most people could hope to be if I’m being honest. I really think that when you take sex out of the equation, most of modern dating is a feeble attempt to foster this type of relationship. People are afraid to reveal their true self and so they seek one person they feel safe enough to do so with, when you can actually have this relationship with everyone you’re close to if you’re brave enough.
I love being friends with women but I don’t love being romantically or sexually entwined with them. And I’m not attracted to men. So why pursue it? I socialize when I have the energy for it. In the rest of my free time, I want to write code.
I agree that physical intimacy can make people become closer, but I’m not always sure that’s for the best. I think it’s better kept as something to enjoy after a deeper bond has already formed. Anyway, I’m not asexual but I am somewhere on that spectrum, not sure where though. Also yeah… when my friends tell me about their tinder dates I can’t believe how transactional and almost algorithmic their date sounds. It’s such a shame that it’s the norm now.
Fuck capitalism for sure, but the apps can still work. I know happily married couples who met on tinder. Not saying that it’s everyone’s experience, but still. The more avenues people are open to the better sometimes.
Honestly, OKC back in its heyday was the place to be. So many of my friends made legitimate, genuine connections there. Devastating that they ended up being sold to match. OKC had plenty of people, but it was apparently the goto for all the nerds. A lot of them use meetup now, but there’s really nothing like what it was for nerd/nerd dating.
Remember how you could search for interests? I’m pretty sure you could just like type in “Final Fantasy” or “Speed Chess” and find people who liked it enough to put it on their profile.
Now it’s just a shadow of what it used to be. A crappy tinder knockoff with vestigial profiles.
Second that. I met my partner on OKC 8 years ago, and before I met them I also made lots of connections and had several dates with other people I met via OKC, some of whom I’m still friends with. The site certainly wasn’t perfect, all dating sites are straight up self-esteem murderers if you’re a heterosexual man, but as far as dating sites go, it was the best I’ve used because it actually tried to match you with people who shared values with you.
At the same time I was also on tinder, and it was a barren wasteland of boring normies and felt more like a meat market than anything. I never had a meaningful match on there.
The problem is when it works it’s despite the algorithm not because of it. It’s probably easier for women, as there are more men on dating sites and there are women on dating sites.
I really don’t think that’s an accurate assessment of the algorithm, but seeing as I am not privy to it, and I imagine you’re not either, I’m not really sure that’s a point worth discussing.
It’s certainly easier for women to get matches on tinder, but not really sure how that’s related. I didn’t specify the sex or sexual orientation of the couples I was referring to. And even for heterosexual couples, it does mean a man found a wife through tinder, so it being easier to get matches as a woman does not mean that men don’t get matches, it’s kinda a necessary step in the women getting matches thing.
I think I’ve had like two dates from in-person meets, and if I put effort (without paying) into it I can get like 1-3 dates a week on the apps. I’m not a model or other outlier.
I live in an urban area and put effort into writing messages. The bar for men is really low.
Every date is a roll of the dice and you’re hoping for that Yahtzee. Or at least a four of a kind. If you’re making four rolls a week you’re probably going to find it faster than one a month.
You’re also don’t have unlimited time. You probably don’t want to find your first big love when you’re 70, when you could instead find one at 30.
And to be clear, I wouldn’t recommend going on a date with just anyone with a pulse. Check your deal breakers and shared interests first.
Of course, you could do app-dates and from-real-life dates at the same time.
This also assumes you, like me, have boundless energy for dates. I know people that are exhausted just leaving their house once.
When I was younger I sometimes tried to go out with people I was friends with first. The rejections were worse. I’d still have to see her all the time at social events.
There was also a lot more “oh! She’s cool! Shit. She’s seeing someone. And doesn’t date men.”
The apps let you filter for a lot of stuff right up front. Don’t have to waste time pining after people that aren’t available.
Someone from the app says no or doesn’t click? Back into the aether they go, never to bother me again.
To each their own, if it’s working for you, but there are a lot of things dating apps can do better. Capitalism just shits up the place, as usual.
Agreed that the capitalist commodification of love sucks, but also, who even does things IRL anymore? And if you do, success rate isn’t that great either, unless you abide by rules 1 and 2.
I’m no longer single, but when I was, there were two main activities I did outside of work. Gym - a place where it just feels wrong to approach women. And women never approached me. Bar - cozy local small community place where I had plenty of great conversations with a lot of people, many of whom were women, but most were in relationships already. Maybe it’s the same for women as it is for men, where in a relationship you’re more confident and thus have an easier time talking to strangers. Made some friends though.
When I was on Tinder, though, with my fairly mediocre appearance, I’d still get matches. Not every day, but at least a couple a month in even the slower periods and like half of them evolved into at least conversations (not a simple “hey” -> unmatch). Met some IRL. Both times I’ve been on Tinder, I eventually found someone there, though it was over a year in both cases (nearly 3 years second time). And both times the person I found was someone who’d pretty much just joined. I don’t live in what I’d call a big city though.
Nowadays, I also work from home with no office option (unless I rent one for myself), so even shitting where I eat is not an option if I become single. What DO people do in their free time where they meet new people, besides nightlife activities? I’m not interested in drinking 2-3 nights a week anymore lol
If you want to meet women, take a pottery class, join a softball league, take knitting lessons, join a book club, volunteer at a local animal shelter, go to the library regularly, join a protest, join a running or biking group, or even look around on one of those meetup apps for activities in your area
Maybe your problem was that you only went to your gym and your bar, instead of trying to meet new people? The point is, it’s easy to get stuck into a routine, and swiping on Tinder often becomes part of the routine
Maybe your problem was that you only went to your gym and your bar, instead of trying to meet new people?
I guess I wasn’t super actively trying to meet new people, I was focusing more on my career. Most of those activities unfortunately sound boring to me. Biking group sounds nice. In fact, the only two ways I can do cardio is with a podcast or with other people. Otherwise I go flat out because to my ADHD mind, the end goal of all movement is to get to your destination ASAP. Book club sounds like a great way to get some accountability for my total lack of a reading habit these past few years, so I might look into that as well. There apparently is at least one in my city. As a kid I’d read several books a week, now it’s several years per book :(
Fuck the Capitalist commodification of love.
Drop the dating apps & muster up the patience go do things & meet people irl instead.
I don’t think I’ve ever met someone organically and then dated them
They say workplace relationships don’t work and they’re probably right, but the problem is that’s the only place you ever meet anyone these days.
I asked out my coworker about a week ago.
I can’t recommend against it enough.
When you befriend the people at your workplace, you will also meet their friends.
When everyone in your workplace is a transplant, their friends are just other coworkers
Which is not a bad start to make more friends.
That’s wishful thinking. I might be befriendable, but I’m not fit to introduce to people.
Have you tried shitpost dating?
https://lemmy.world/post/27886845
meeting women is really easy if you’re friends with women. they always have single friends who they’d be happy to introduce you to. obviously don’t be friends with women just for this purpose though
That requires having time to be friends with and meet people
If you don’t have time for friends you definitely don’t have time for dating.
It feels Machiavellian to do something like befriending people or playing sports that I would not otherwise do
Agreed, but seems like then you should do it for yourself (physical and mental health, stimulation from learning skills, broadening horizons) and if you make friends in the process that’s cool.
That only works out if you are attractive to begin with.
Most people have good qualities that make them attractive (if you have none then that might be something to work on). Just treat women like they are ordinary human beings (which they are) - ask questions, listen to the answers, check back with them at a later date to see if that thing they mentioned worked out, offer to help if they have a problem, etc.
I lack good qualities, true. I don’t know if that could be worked on, as large part of it is me being ASD.
I treat women as you said, it’s simply that they generally avoid me.
Most men can drastically improve their appearance with some effort. Best plan for this is to ask your closest female friends what you can do. Also, having an attractive personality counts for a lot (potentially more than looks depending on the woman) assuming you aren’t fuck ugly.
Welp, I am simply at another level of ugliness. Also friends? What is this thing called “a friend”?
If you want, send me a pic (privately) and I’ll tell you if it’s really over or what you can do to look better. As for friends, that’s more complicated, but I got all my friends by talking to strangers in public.
Yeah I think that’s common, but it’s literally how we’ve been doing it since, well, forever.
Big Tech wants you to think it’s scAAaRRrry BooOoOOo!
(I mean, tbf, sometimes it is. Also humiliating lol).
I have! Once, in highschool, it went poorly
Opposite for me. I’ve gone on plenty of first dates via apps, and a few second dates, but have only ever “dated” people that I happened to meet organically.
Honestly, I’m good. I never really used apps but I have had a lot of girlfriends through mutual friends and such. I’m just over it. I’m tired of romance and especially tired of sexuality. I just want to program computers.
Careful or you’ll get exactly what you’re asking for.
That’s the goal, man. I would be happy to never have sex again. I always felt like it was more for her benefit than mine anyway.
Yes, I understand. But it’s less about the sex & moreso the companionship. When you’re 58 years old hanging out by yourself day in/day out, you may wish you’d put more effort into developing relationships.
Maybe not, I’m just saying.
I have sufficient companionship. Plenty of true friends who know and love the real me. I’ve been more fortunate in this than most people could hope to be if I’m being honest. I really think that when you take sex out of the equation, most of modern dating is a feeble attempt to foster this type of relationship. People are afraid to reveal their true self and so they seek one person they feel safe enough to do so with, when you can actually have this relationship with everyone you’re close to if you’re brave enough.
I love being friends with women but I don’t love being romantically or sexually entwined with them. And I’m not attracted to men. So why pursue it? I socialize when I have the energy for it. In the rest of my free time, I want to write code.
Good to hear. I hope you continue having lots of fruitful relationships, you seem like a reflective person.
I actually think being physically intimate allows two people to become closer, unless they’re asexual, of course (sounds like you might be).
And I agree with you about shallow relationships but, imo, it’s dating apps that cause the problem, not sex.
Dating apps do not always allow relationships to blossom naturally. Tinder dates (or whatever) can feel more like job interviews. Real yucky stuff.
I agree that physical intimacy can make people become closer, but I’m not always sure that’s for the best. I think it’s better kept as something to enjoy after a deeper bond has already formed. Anyway, I’m not asexual but I am somewhere on that spectrum, not sure where though. Also yeah… when my friends tell me about their tinder dates I can’t believe how transactional and almost algorithmic their date sounds. It’s such a shame that it’s the norm now.
Fuck capitalism for sure, but the apps can still work. I know happily married couples who met on tinder. Not saying that it’s everyone’s experience, but still. The more avenues people are open to the better sometimes.
We’re a happily married couple who met through OkCupid, back when that was decent!
Honestly, OKC back in its heyday was the place to be. So many of my friends made legitimate, genuine connections there. Devastating that they ended up being sold to match. OKC had plenty of people, but it was apparently the goto for all the nerds. A lot of them use meetup now, but there’s really nothing like what it was for nerd/nerd dating.
Remember how you could search for interests? I’m pretty sure you could just like type in “Final Fantasy” or “Speed Chess” and find people who liked it enough to put it on their profile.
Now it’s just a shadow of what it used to be. A crappy tinder knockoff with vestigial profiles.
Second that. I met my partner on OKC 8 years ago, and before I met them I also made lots of connections and had several dates with other people I met via OKC, some of whom I’m still friends with. The site certainly wasn’t perfect, all dating sites are straight up self-esteem murderers if you’re a heterosexual man, but as far as dating sites go, it was the best I’ve used because it actually tried to match you with people who shared values with you.
At the same time I was also on tinder, and it was a barren wasteland of boring normies and felt more like a meat market than anything. I never had a meaningful match on there.
The problem is when it works it’s despite the algorithm not because of it. It’s probably easier for women, as there are more men on dating sites and there are women on dating sites.
We’ll have to make sure we’re not looking through rose tinted lenses here, you know what they say, the odds are good but the goods might murder you.
I really don’t think that’s an accurate assessment of the algorithm, but seeing as I am not privy to it, and I imagine you’re not either, I’m not really sure that’s a point worth discussing.
It’s certainly easier for women to get matches on tinder, but not really sure how that’s related. I didn’t specify the sex or sexual orientation of the couples I was referring to. And even for heterosexual couples, it does mean a man found a wife through tinder, so it being easier to get matches as a woman does not mean that men don’t get matches, it’s kinda a necessary step in the women getting matches thing.
I met my wife on Tinder in 2015 ❤️ Met her on my second week.
I think I’ve had like two dates from in-person meets, and if I put effort (without paying) into it I can get like 1-3 dates a week on the apps. I’m not a model or other outlier.
I live in an urban area and put effort into writing messages. The bar for men is really low.
All of that said, fuck the capitalist hellscape.
Quality over quantity, bruv.
I don’t think that’s really applicable here.
Every date is a roll of the dice and you’re hoping for that Yahtzee. Or at least a four of a kind. If you’re making four rolls a week you’re probably going to find it faster than one a month.
You’re also don’t have unlimited time. You probably don’t want to find your first big love when you’re 70, when you could instead find one at 30.
And to be clear, I wouldn’t recommend going on a date with just anyone with a pulse. Check your deal breakers and shared interests first.
Of course, you could do app-dates and from-real-life dates at the same time.
This also assumes you, like me, have boundless energy for dates. I know people that are exhausted just leaving their house once.
This is so weird to me. I’ve only ever dated people I was friends with first.
When I was younger I sometimes tried to go out with people I was friends with first. The rejections were worse. I’d still have to see her all the time at social events.
There was also a lot more “oh! She’s cool! Shit. She’s seeing someone. And doesn’t date men.”
The apps let you filter for a lot of stuff right up front. Don’t have to waste time pining after people that aren’t available.
Someone from the app says no or doesn’t click? Back into the aether they go, never to bother me again.
To each their own, if it’s working for you, but there are a lot of things dating apps can do better. Capitalism just shits up the place, as usual.
Hell yeah!
Agreed that the capitalist commodification of love sucks, but also, who even does things IRL anymore? And if you do, success rate isn’t that great either, unless you abide by rules 1 and 2.
I’m no longer single, but when I was, there were two main activities I did outside of work. Gym - a place where it just feels wrong to approach women. And women never approached me. Bar - cozy local small community place where I had plenty of great conversations with a lot of people, many of whom were women, but most were in relationships already. Maybe it’s the same for women as it is for men, where in a relationship you’re more confident and thus have an easier time talking to strangers. Made some friends though.
When I was on Tinder, though, with my fairly mediocre appearance, I’d still get matches. Not every day, but at least a couple a month in even the slower periods and like half of them evolved into at least conversations (not a simple “hey” -> unmatch). Met some IRL. Both times I’ve been on Tinder, I eventually found someone there, though it was over a year in both cases (nearly 3 years second time). And both times the person I found was someone who’d pretty much just joined. I don’t live in what I’d call a big city though.
Nowadays, I also work from home with no office option (unless I rent one for myself), so even shitting where I eat is not an option if I become single. What DO people do in their free time where they meet new people, besides nightlife activities? I’m not interested in drinking 2-3 nights a week anymore lol
Hobbies, classes, sports teams, volunteering
If you want to meet women, take a pottery class, join a softball league, take knitting lessons, join a book club, volunteer at a local animal shelter, go to the library regularly, join a protest, join a running or biking group, or even look around on one of those meetup apps for activities in your area
Maybe your problem was that you only went to your gym and your bar, instead of trying to meet new people? The point is, it’s easy to get stuck into a routine, and swiping on Tinder often becomes part of the routine
I guess I wasn’t super actively trying to meet new people, I was focusing more on my career. Most of those activities unfortunately sound boring to me. Biking group sounds nice. In fact, the only two ways I can do cardio is with a podcast or with other people. Otherwise I go flat out because to my ADHD mind, the end goal of all movement is to get to your destination ASAP. Book club sounds like a great way to get some accountability for my total lack of a reading habit these past few years, so I might look into that as well. There apparently is at least one in my city. As a kid I’d read several books a week, now it’s several years per book :(
Isn’t great? Eh I’m 1 for 1 and I most certainly do not follow rule one or two. Just talked and made it work with a friend of a friend