For context, I’ve been on the fence about going on HRT.
During my therapy session today, I was talking about some of the fears I have about going on HRT. Up until now, I’ve been trying to ease myself into transitioning because I do have my doubts and I don’t want to rush into the wrong decision.
I’ve been “crossdressing” (what does one call this if they think they’re trans?) on and off for a while now, and I’ve been in therapy about dysphoria for a few months now, but HRT is still a big decision that I didn’t want to influence myself toward if I didn’t need it. I didn’t go by female pronouns, didn’t experiment with names, hesitated to call myself trans until I soul searched a bit more and knew. I think that’s partially due to fear of being ostracized by my family or affected by the horrible legislation attempting to go around in America right now, or really just rushing into something big like that in general.
Lately, I’ve been leaning toward wanting to go on HRT. I’ve been searching for clinics to freeze my sperm and I’ve found a couple of sources for HRT, just to have everything sorted if I decide to start transitioning. Today, when I was going over my fears with my therapist, I just blurted out
“Fuck, if I had gone on HRT when I was 18 then I would just be a woman by now. Dammit.”
Right after I said that, I realized exactly what I had said and what emotions I was actually expressing. I think it took me forever to admit it but I definitely want HRT. I want to be a woman. I’m scared still, in many ways, but I think this is the path for me and I want to embrace all the joys and struggles which come alongside transitioning. So that said, I’d like to ask any of you girls on HRT, what were some unexpected trials and happy moments during the process?
I turn 23 this December, and it would be amazing if I could start HRT before then. It’s doable, I have to hunt down some good sperm banks first because I still want biological kids someday. My main fear right now (and I do apologize to you non-American Lemmy users that are sick of hearing about this) is this damnable upcoming election. I don’t believe that team Trump will go down quietly if Harris wins, but it would ease my mind greatly if I knew I didn’t have to navigate my transition with a 2nd Trump administration breathing down my neck. How are you other American girls dealing with that? I’m almost at the point where I say fuck it all and live my life. So close…
but do I want to paint a target on myself?
Idk. Thanks for reading my thought spew, it helps to get it out in writing sometimes.
Crossdressing has become an outdated and thoroughly wrong term now. It would be called gender nonconforming if you’re dressing/acting in a way that the gender you identify as usually isn’t allowed to, or if you’re trans some people say ‘boy moding’ or ‘girl moding’ (as in mode).
Though some people use gender nonconforming to mean “not confirming to gender at all” which I think is beautiful, its more understood usage however, is what I previously stated.
It’s funny because boy-moding feels like the real “cross-dressing” to me now. I’m not sure wearing women’s clothes ever felt that way for me, though I felt a lot of fear about wearing skirts and dresses, I didn’t really feel like I was being deceptive or shameful the way I feel when I try to dress to pass as a man.