Sometimes you don’t need to fill the silence with sounds. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone that we can sit down and be quiet together
Or you can use literal sounds instead of words. My spouse and I have this thing going on where we make this kind of squeak/baloon sound with our mouth which has the same effect as “hi, nice to see you”.
Oh thank god my partner and I aren’t the only ones. Don’t get me wrong, we know and like that we’re weird, but it’s nice to have company.
A few steps away from becoming furries.
/satire
Hahahaha I love hearing about other people’s microcultures
Oh, good, I’ve been growing one myself, wanna see?
Me and my gf usually say Ahoozles (shortened from Anyhoozles) and just a way of saying “I want to talk to you, I just don’t know what I want to talk about
We just say “you know…” and then the other person will either say “yep/same” or “no I don’t know” depending on the mood. And if the cat makes noise we’ll also just say “I know buddy me too”
My wife and I do things in threes: three taps, three nudges, three blinks, three noises, whatever. It means “I love you”. It’s a nice way to say it when you’re too tired to say it. I think it originated when we’d say it as we were falling asleep.
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They did say “sometimes”, but it seems like you took that to mean “all the times”?
Everything is a balance and people are different anyways. I don’t know many people who like any of the extremes. But it’s a different amount for everyone. And the “partner” thing is strange anyways. As long as you’re madly in love, you probably enjoy hearing about every pea in their canteen meal. That might fade after 20 years of marriage. Or a stressful day at work. Or with kids. Or it doesn’t. Both is fine. As long as it’s consenting partners. 😆
The key to understanding is finishing the sentence.
“I hate small talk… with people I have no reason to talk to and don’t care about.”
I love my partner, and even when it’s small talk I can listen all day, just to hear their voice and learn a little more about them, to feel closer to the person I married in many small ways.
But I don’t care about what Jim at the laundry mat did last weekend, or which machine he thinks makes socks dry faster.
I kinda want to know about the sock thing.
So you’re a small talk person
Sock drying speed is important information, not time filler like the weather or sports.
And Jim may have evidence to support his claim. This is important.
The weather is life and death info
Most people talk about how sunny it is today and not climate change
Unless the sport is competitive sock-drying.
But small talk is what got you your wife. What if Jim can be your future if you just gave him the time
Drag didn’t get drag’s dragon by doing small talk. Drag’s dragon fell in love with drag because it was impressed with drag’s magic.
Get yourself a girlfriend by impressing her with your arcane talents.
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But I don’t care about what Jim at the laundry mat did last weekend, or which machine he thinks makes socks dry faster.
tough. :) here’s what he (might have) said: it’s the 2nd and 3rd dryers from the left. the smaller ones. you also need to use the smaller ‘double load’ front-loading washers. those have an extra extract cycle and get the most water out. the dryers used to literally only cost 25c to dry most loads (an extra quarter for all denim or something), but they (new owners of the laundry) increased the minimum needed per-load to $1.50 (on top of more than doubling the washers’ prices). greedy bastards.
Its only “small talk” if you dont actually care about what the other person says. If you are genuinely interested, then its just a conversation. Thats how i see it at least.
Yeah, this. Talking small is faking interest. I’m not good at that. But when I actually care about the other person, “what have you been up to” is meaningful. Cause I actually wanna know.
Completely this.
Yup, the only two things small talk and conversation have in common is that they take a minimum of two people and involve spoken words.
If people small-talk in sign language, would it be called small-talk?
Your remark about “spoken words” made be think about this and I find it curious, since “small-talk” has become something of a fixed expression.
While words related to vocal conversations do appear in other phrases like “being left speechless” for example, I imagine “small-talk” to be more of a thing on its own in today’s usage.
That’s a good point - do we “speak” sign language? I’d never given it much thought. I think it was lazy writing on my behalf; the phrase “spoken words” could probably be tweaked to make it more obviously inclusive of all the signers out there.
I mean that’s basically why a lot of us are great at small talk: we actually do care about the contents of that low stakes conversation with strangers.
Wife and I have a longstanding argument over whether free-will exists.
I say it does and she has no choice but to say otherwise.
and she has no choice
I am forced to see what you did there :D
One time I was talking about this with my friends. I said I believe it exists and they all laughed and said “particles have rules, you’re made of particles.” 🥺
I’m able to make smalltalk. I just don’t enjoy it, so I avoid it when I can.
And my wife and I don’t engage in smalltalk. We talk about what we actually care about. Seems to have worked fine for the past 24 years.
Pretty much.
I don’t wake up and ask my wife, “How’s the weather?” Or “Did you see that game last night?”
We talk about real shit. Like yesterday, we had a long conversation about what we would do with a tamed bear.
Like yesterday, we had a long conversation about what we would do with a tamed bear.
Well don’t hold us in suspense!
We’d have to reorganize the living room and we’d name her Halle Beary.
Sounds good. As long as Halle gets lots of bear pets.
You would want to keep it outside, bear shit is not a good house smell. It is better than cougar, so I guess there is that.
Yes. Non-verbal communication and silence work too.
Can confirm, I hold our evenings together laying in bed next to each other reading different books or whatever in high esteem. We’re not disfunctional, we’re just introverted, though we like each other’s company.
I thought I was in my messaging app when I read the first sentences and was confused. I thought I was included in the “our evenings” 😆
That sounds lovely and relatable. I let my affection show in glances etc too or a brief hand on the shoulder. Whatever feels authentic at the time.
It’s not small talk if you love the other person
It certainly can be.
If I’m making smalltalk with my SO, it’s because there’s something more weighty I want to discuss, but I’m looking for a way to broach that topic in a better way. So regardless of how I feel about them, it’s still an issue because it means I don’t feel safe to attack the topic head-on.
That feels like a communication strategy tailored to your relationship rather than small talk. small talk, in my opinion, is meaningless banter without motive. This may be pedantic, but I just don’t think I would classify that as smalltalk, since there’s an objective and I’m theoretically engaged, I personally would have no issue with it.
It’s when there’s seemingly “no point” that I consider it difficult
We will sit in comfortable silence together.
we will make out in comfortable silence together
wet, sloppy make-out sounds
soft barking and meowing
😐 I was promised silence.
Actually this. One of the most meaningful relationships in my life is a woman who will sit in silence with me at the opposite end of the couch, some random nonsense on TV and we’re both just on our phones sharing memes with eachother. You don’t need to fill every moment of silence between people with words
Comfortable silence. Learn to appreciate it.
“We still never talk sometimes” - Swanson
Someone quoting him on the internet like this would go against his whole philosophy
Good.
remembers Pulp Fiction scene least that’s what comfortable silence makes me think of, and yes I agree, it’s nice when a couple people can sit down and not feel like they have to say anything.
30 years ago today - some cinemas are marking the anniversary with a showing.
Holy crap I had no idea it was an actual anniversary! I just think in pop culture bits (memes). Neat. I so remember the first time watching it in the early teens, Tarantino can sure write fun random dialogue also sure was fun seeing Travolta be awesome again at the time after the baby movies. Not that I didn’t enjoy Look Who’s Talking,at the time, but who remembers those after Pulp Fiction for Travolta?
My interest in talking has more to do with who I’m talking to and less to do with the subject of conversation
Same! It isn’t so much the small talk, but being stuck making small talk with a stranger or coworker/distant relation or whatever that you have no interest in speaking to.
Which… is pretty much the definition of small talk. If I’m making small talk, it’s because I don’t want you to feel awkward with the silence, which means I don’t know you well enough to know what you prefer.
This is why I hate getting haircuts. I don’t have any personal relationship with the person cutting my hair. Maybe we’ll find a common interest, but if I could just wear earbuds the whole time and not seem like an asshole, I would. But instead I just shave my head when my hair gets long enough to annoy me.
I am right there with you. I get haircuts very rarely because of this.
Yeah, I agree. I’m more social than I was ~10 years ago but that’s because I’ve found good people to surround myself with. Back then I would’ve said I hate small talk. I didn’t hate small talk, I hated the people I was talking with.
My wife is a VERY quiet person. She doesn’t say a lot but when she does it’s because she actually has something to say. This made me nervous when we were first dating but I’ve learned to embrace it. Silence is OK. She definitely talks more than she used to but we don’t have to talk all the time. Sometimes she just looks at me and smiles without saying anything and in those moments I know that I am loved.
She’s thinking of how she’ll dispose of the bodies. 😁
Drag doesn’t like jokes about how people who socialise differently are serial killers.
Imagine going through a marriage like “how about that weather”
IIIIT’S LIKE RAAAAIIIIIIIIIN ON YA WEDDING DAYYYY
IT’S A FREE RIIIDE WHEN YOU’VE ALREADY PAID
Have you seen the weather, lately?
Lol - yeah, that would suck!
“And what is it with airline food?”
“Oh yes hurricanes every where”
Yeah, no wonder so many people get divorced…
Extrovert cannot comprehend being quiet.
Not just extroverts. I’m pretty introverted but I’m also the type of person who is very heavy on verbal communication and I tend to get a lot of my affirmation through words.
Being “still” is a learned skill for me.
Wonder if Twitter person who made that comment just has people who don’t want to have small talk with them
If my partner can’t handle silence, then there’s something seriously wrong. We usually have something to do and if we don’t we just cuddle up. There’s no need for constant noise.
I’d like to have similar interactions with my significant other to the ones I have with my cats. You know, things like siting on the couch together… saying silly things in even sillier voices… staring into each other’s eyes while blinking slowly… yelling at her to get down from the cupboard…
I think there’s a misconception regarding what counts as small talk. “Bland conversation that has no real point but to escape silence” is small talk. Asking you how your day went because I care about you is not. “How’s the weather?” is small talk. “How was your trip to the grocery?” is small talk. These are dumb things and, if your relationship can’t bear the silence that would be interrupted because “The vegan sausages were on sale today”, then it prolly doesn’t need to exist.
I’m not entirely sure what counts as small talk. When I think of it, it’s usually conversation between strangers or acquaintances where neither party knows the safe topics, the topics to be avoided, or even the general preferences of the other. It’s all testing water stuff.
I think that’s what people actually mean when they say they hate small talk. They hate the awkwardness of not yet knowing enough about their interlocutor to know they won’t accidentally upset anyone. Or they don’t have the skill to navigate that social space to avoid negative consequences. It can feel downright dangerous in some circumstances.
And that’s tough. Because the socialites think it’s a skill issue, which it often is. And unfortunately if you don’t learn that skill growing up, the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous, which prevents folks from being able to practice freely.
I dunno. Just my $.02 I guess.
It’s funny cause to me it’s always meant a third entirely different thing! To me small talk is just starting from a basic place to feel each other out a bit, bringing up mundane things and simple questions to find topics we could drill further into.
“How was your day” to a partner would be small talk, even though I care about what they’re saying - I’m just asking so they can bring up something to talk about. “Weather’s been shit lately” to a stranger is small talk, but the ensuing story about how they had to rush to work late in the rain would not be.
Given it means three different things to three random people, it’s almost like “small talk” actually covers a broad set of social purposes and people who “aren’t into it” might actually be missing a lot 😝
I think I actually agree with you overall.
My comment above was more trying to express what I think “small talk” means to the people who always complain about small talk, maybe. Unsure. Slightly elevated atm.
This is how I feel as well. Small talk at it’s best is a way to transition into more detailed topics without plunging into them headfirst.
With friends and partners, I think small talk like “How was your day?” Provide a jumping off point for what they want to talk about or, in the worst case, will result in them not wanting to talk. If someone had a terrible day and is exhausted, it doesn’t help to start a conversation about the meaning of life when they probably just want to relax.
I don’t disagree with you at all, but the screenie was of a message addressing communication between people who are supposedly in an intimate conversation. One should hope that their conversations can be more substantive, personal, and easy-going in a romantic relationship.
Some ability to break ice with strangers using brief small talk is useful as a starting point for conversation, but if you truly know me, say what you need to say or enjoy the ASMR of my presence.
the social consequences of being bad at small talk only get bigger and more dangerous
Eh, I just went into a field largely dominated by introverts, which seems to have largely solved the problem.
I’m reasonably “good” at smalltalk, but I actively avoid situations where I need to use that skill.
Yup. I ask my SO how they slept because I know they tend to go to bed late and I want to know if I should make time for them to take a nap or something.
We only talk about the weather when we’re deciding on plans for the day (e.g. picnic or dine in today?).
If you’re talking just to talk, you’ve already lost.
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