Is it clear?

  • QuantumTickle@lemmy.zip
    47·
    21 天前

    Every piece of love advice I received as a kid in the 90s and 00s was equivalent to “try harder” or “pursue” or “don’t give up” and they made it sound so good. My poor wife… The early years couldn’t have been easy for her.

    • AlecSadler
      17·
      21 天前

      You’re not alone. Same. My wife is wonderful and I’m glad she challenged me to question some of my behaviors.

        • mika_mika@lemmy.world
          12·
          20 天前

          Hey I’m a woman, why do you feel the need to say trans inclusive, and not just “women only” this is my first time discovering this instance. And it comes off as performative although I see you’re drawing a line in the sand between you and the terfs-- but imo you’re just acknowledging the existence of terfs more than validating trans women.

          • SkyeStarfall
            8·
            20 天前

            I don’t think it’s a useful strategy to not acknowledge the existence of terfs or trans people. In a lot of similar communities there is always the question of whether trans people are actually included or not, and even if so, who under the trans spectrum, which always makes me uncertain about my place.

            And also, just ignoring problems such as terfs is not a solution. They exist whether their existence is acknowledged or not, sweeping things under the rug isn’t helpful

            Though, yeah, it is made clear in the rules, which I appreciate

    • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
      7·
      21 天前

      I’m go glad my mom taught me from a young age that no means no whether I say it or others do. Unfortunately the latter stuck harder than the former… Well actually if only one could stick I suppose the better did

  • garbagebagel@lemmy.world
    27·
    21 天前

    A gross retort I heard that’s always stuck with me: “a boyfriend’s a speed bump, not a stop sign”

    🤮

    Wish I could go back to my younger self just so I could tell that guy (and the others) to go fuck themselves.

    • Hildegarde
      10·
      20 天前

      “just because there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score”

      🤮

      yeah me too

      • ZDL@lazysoci.alOP
        6·
        19 天前

        Oh wow! That’s somehow even grosser than the speed bump thing! 😮

  • ILikeBoobies@lemmy.caBanned from community
    25·
    20 天前

    I knew a girl who said I wasn’t a man if I took no for an answer. She ended up raping me and giving me a disease but as a victim there was nothing I could do.

    • ZDL@lazysoci.alOP
      7·
      20 天前

      Cool story, bro. One that totally happened, I’m sure. Maybe you should share it in a group where your posting isn’t explicitly against the rules?

  • hazelEnglish
    18·
    21 天前

    “aaahhhhahaha okayyy…”, also no. But I probably need to work on being more direct.

    • SkyeStarfall
      8·
      20 天前

      Yeah I do basically the same thing, it’s rough when you actually want something but on the outside seem uncertain or reserved because you internally constantly think people hate you haha. And then it makes it difficult for the other person

      Probably why I enjoy saying like “do whatever unless I say [safe word]”. But still something that I need to work on, and actually be like, directly communicating. It’s healthy

      Edit: on a second read, I slightly misinterpreted your comment, but I’ll leave it

      • hazelEnglish
        4·
        20 天前

        Eh, it goes both ways. I don’t ask for what I want or object clearly to the things I don’t want. One of the many reasons I have just decided to abstain from absolutely everything for now. Still haven’t figured out the correct way to accept a drunken compliment without accidentally inviting further advances though.

        • ZDL@lazysoci.alOP
          3·
          20 天前

          “Thank you for the compliment. Pity I can’t return it.”

          That would likely end any further conversation along those lines.

          Or to put it in the words of The Monks: “Nice legs, shame about yer face.”

      • mika_mika@lemmy.world
        6·
        20 天前

        I disagree with this sentiment that you are trying to convey. If language has to have intent assumed outside of context especially if the context is no – “no” should just be said and that should be respected fully.

        • Bongles@lemmy.zip
          9·
          20 天前

          I mean if you’re in a situation and they say “I have a boy/girlfriend” you could say “is that a no?” If for some reason you think it might not be.

        • ZDL@lazysoci.alOP
          6·
          20 天前

          It must be nice to live in a world where there are zero men who behave like mental toddlers in the bodies of, well, men who become a real threat when told simple words like “no”.

          Most of us don’t live in that world, but are insanely jealous of those of you who apparently do.

        • SkyeStarfall
          4·
          20 天前

          While I agree with you in principle, unfortunately a lot of people feel pressured to “soften the blow” from learned experiences or trauma or whatever else might be the case, as it’s not always the case that people take “no” for an answer and handle it respectfully. It’s a defense strategy

    • emeralddawn45@lemmy.dbzer0.com
      20·
      20 天前

      If someone is daying it in response to you hitting on them, it definitely does mean something. Even if someone might potentially be open to poly in another situation, if you’re like “hey you’re cute, wanna hang out” and they come back with “i have a partner” then thats them blowing you off for sure.

    • ZDL@lazysoci.alOP
      7·
      20 天前

      It never “necessarily” meant anything. But even today it usually means something. And specifically if it’s being used in response to a pass, it means “NO”.

      But you probably already knew that, right? You’re just arguing to be argumentative, right?

      🙄

  • Yeahigotskills2@lemmy.ml
    6·
    20 天前

    https://youtu.be/6k0ZMPGFh9w

    Thoughts on this?

    Sex should always be 100% consensual. If someone says ‘no’, then you must stop. If you don’t then that’s rape as far as I’m concerend. But would you acknowledge there’s nuance in playful protest?

    Also, there’s also a growing (and understandable) feeling that consent can’t be given under the influence of alcohol. However, where i come from our population would probably be half it’s size if that were always true.

    Also, if you have sex drunk and regret it later, there’s an argument that the person you had sex with has taken advantage. That’s a tricky one to navigate.

    • ZDL@lazysoci.alOP
      6·
      20 天前

      Bill Burr can be very funny, but in the end he’s right there just reciting the mantra of every man who heard “no” and thought “she just needs more persuasion”.

      Is he right that this sometimes happens? Undoubtedly. Sexual dynamics are EXTREMELY complicated. Is this the norm? Certainly not in my experience. A lot of the times people use the style he’s mocking there TO DISARM A SITUATION where SOMEONE WHO CAN HURT THEM BADLY WITH EASE might get VERY FUCKING ANGRY because you said “no”.

      I sometimes think “man or bear?” was the wrong idea. It should be “man and bear”. Locked into a room. So that men can learn what it’s like to be physically weaker in the presence of something stronger than them and very aggressive to boot.

      • Yeahigotskills2@lemmy.ml
        3·
        20 天前

        I hear you, but worth mentioning that most men have been in the presence of something stronger and aggressive, in the form of other men. From abusive father’s, older siblings, to the general school environment. Violence and the threat of violence is something men feel growing up and it doesn’t really go away.

        I’m not saying that threat isn’t more acute for women, or minimizing that lived experience - when a man is trying to force himself onto you it must be terrifying and I know from my sisters and wife that it happens a lot, and often in more subtle and low-key ways than outright aggression (although that’s often the underlying threat).

        But yeah… as someone who’s been beaten up a few times just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or wearing the wrong t-shirt, I’m under no illusion as to how dangerous men can be.

    • SkyeStarfall
      6·
      20 天前

      Haven’t watched the video, but regarding the playful protest point

      Discuss it beforehand. Talk about expectations or wants, say that you enjoy playful protest and want it to happen, and, most critically of all, set up a safe word. Have a word like “red” or “banana” or whatever else you want, that both of you agree upon, that, when uttered, everything stops.

      • Yeahigotskills2@lemmy.ml
        3·
        20 天前

        Oh, for sure. Once you’re in a relationship then there’s a whole world to explore, as consent is established. But the video (comedically/crudely depending on your own sense of humour) alludes to very early flirtation and the games people play, where a grey area arises as one party wants the other to believe that they are somehow reluctant to proceed (although they’re not), to somehow present the idea that they’re not usually promiscuous, perhaps to massage the ego of the instigator. The concept of ‘sweet surrender’ is explored in countless romantic works and is definitely a thing - and not something that should be conflated with rape, is I guess what i’m trying to put across.

    • Feathercrown@lemmy.worldEnglish
      5·
      20 天前

      If both people are drunk it’s inadvisable but not immoral imo. If only the other person is drunk, you’d definitely be taking advantage of them and I don’t think that’s right.

      • Yeahigotskills2@lemmy.ml
        3·
        20 天前

        Yeah, hard agree on that. Many, many people have made poor decisions when inebriated. They’ve got over it and moved on. But when one person is sober it definitely feels like an abuse of power.

    • mycodesucks@lemmy.world
      4·
      20 天前

      If someone says ‘no’, then you must stop. If you don’t then that’s rape as far as I’m concerend.

      That’s not just as far as you’re concerned. That’s the DEFINITION.