Last night I had a dream where I was socially interacting as male, had male anatomy, etc. - it usually disturbs me when I wake up and realize my unconscious is operating this way, it feels like I don’t see myself as a woman, which is true on a conscious level but it’s painful when I don’t even see myself as a woman in my dreams.

Sometimes even before transition trans women see themselves as women in their dreams, and I marvel at that. I think part of my denial was integrating every internal part of me that felt female as being actually authentically male, that all men are actually feminine in this way or that. So the authentically feminine parts of me still feel “male”.

Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick poll and see:

(if any transmasc folks or enbies are reading this, I would love your input too, even though I’m using gendered language, I don’t mean to be excluding)

  • did you have dreams where you were a woman before you transitioned?
  • what was the process like of your internal concept changing as you transitioned?
  • when did you start appearing as a woman in your dreams post-transition? (did the frequency increase post-transition, what was that change like?)
  • how do you relate to your self-conception, does it disturb you to be a man in your dreams, is it a relief to be a woman in your dreams?
  • OldEggNewTricksEnglish
    8·
    7 days ago

    Half a year into transition here. I’ve been sleeping much better since I started, and I don’t think I remember having any dreams since.

    In the past, my dreams which didn’t feature gender would have been “assumed male” regular me. But I did have a recurring dream where I’d wake up as a woman one day, and they were mostly centered around how to explain it to the people who knew me and generally enjoying my new life. Those were absolutely crushing to wake up from. Also sexual fantasies and dreams were mostly from a female perspective (thus I assumed it was just a fetish for a long time).

    I would also very frequently dissociate during waking times and imagine myself doing whatever I was doing, but as a woman. Not in a sexual way, just a very melancholy “if only…” feeling.

    That’s all stopped since starting transition. Instead, when I’ve been concentrating on something and come “back to reality” as it were, I often get a brief flash of “crap, I’m a man – no, wait – oh shit I’m out and transitioning is this a dream I must be crazy – calm down, this is what I want” with an associated adrenaline spike. That’s not fun. Other times when my mind wanders I can just reflect happily on how awesome it is I get to be a woman at last, if I can stave off the “you’re faking it” dysphoria.

    I don’t have much experience yet of being treated as a woman socially, or even seeing myself in that role, but I’m hoping that will change and I get used to it. Then I’d expect my dreams to mostly reflect that.

    • dandelionOPEnglish
      3·
      6 days ago

      Before transition I could probably sleep 11 - 12 hours every night, and I would wake up not feeling particularly refreshed.

      With estrogen I started to wake up after 8 hours and feeling much more rested, though sometimes it seemed like 8 hours was the longest I could sleep and sometimes it seemed like I needed a little more sleep despite still feeling more rested overall. Progesterone then allowed me to sleep longer, I can reliably sleep 8 - 10 hours now and usually wake up feeling relatively alert and not as groggy.

      I know what you mean about the “I’m a man, wait no, oh shit, oh no, wait, no - this is a good thing” panic, lol.

      My sexual dreams are usually still in a male role with male anatomy, but it is often either detached from a sense of reality or self (as though my body becomes a third person and my awareness floats somewhat - it just feels like it’s not really me), or I find it actively disturbing or shameful. A lot of my sexual dreams tend to be oriented around shame, fear, disgust - sex with people I don’t find attractive, sex that I did not consent to or that I regret leading up to and as it is happening, etc.

      While I didn’t have dreams where I lived as a normal cis woman, I often found myself able to bask in my female gender as I was falling asleep (I remember this especially when I was starting progesterone, which I would take at night), and waking up in the morning with my brain snapped back to the habituated way of thinking about myself as male, and that was always a disappointment to me.

      I look forward to hearing about your experiences as the world starts to see you as a woman 💞