I only noticed this in my feed now, so I’m late but I guess that’s how it is on a platform with relatively low activity.

I also used to “fall in love” easily when I was young, so I feel like I can have quite a bit to say here. It’s going to be a long post though.

If you’re anything like I was, it almost feels like what being bipolar must feel like because you’re fully aware that you’re behaving badly but it’s like the chemicals in your brain have gone haywire so you’re not completely in the driver’s seat. And I just want to say, that’s not ‘love’. It’s a slow release poison that is killing you and any chance of love.

Personally I actually just bowed out of relationships for a long time because I knew that I was the problem that needed to solved first. I would maybe suggest making the conscious decision to stop thinking of relationships or “possible future partners” as even being a goal for a while. Make friends along the way but the person that you need to get to know first is yourself. And don’t completely shut yourself off to having a bit of naughty fun once in a while either. But don’t ever expect it or feel like you’re owed it and if it comes along, do it with the mentality of no strings attached as a default instead of immediately seeing wedding bells in the future.

Just be careful though because once you learn to be happy in your relationship with yourself, it can be addictive. I kept it going for a little too long myself, so now I’m at the point where even though I wouldn’t mind having a special someone, the idea of sharing a bed and a cupboard etc. kinda repulses me. I’m going to have to find a very specific kind of person that wants both love and independence at the same time at this point lol.

But that’s part of finding out who you are. In fact part of my problem is that I’m at the very least aromantic. I just do not know how to receive or give the same cues that everyone else seems to be tuned into. So I mimicked my idea of ‘romance’ from romcoms and shit. And (metaphorically speaking because I wasn’t quite that bad) I thought that serenading her with a guitar outside her window or chasing her down at the airport was how it was done and not borderline stalker behavior in the eyes of the person being ‘serenaded’ or chased. Also (and it took me a long time to come to this conclusion because I come from a country where we weren’t educated on all this stuff), I have come to find that I am actually somewhere around non-binary in the gender spectrum and I think that people around me could tell that I wasn’t completely cis long before I knew.

That’s my journey though. You need to find your own answers. My point is that now I am better equipped with the knowledge that I need to try again. Some people have it all figured out from the start, some of us take a while longer.

Aaand sorry to keep going on but I’m also going to punt Relationship Anarchy. It’s actually more about polyamory but I think that there’s a lot of good ideas in here that can be applied to monogamous relationships or even just friendships. Namely as far as your jealousy issues go, I’m going to quote two sections.

Love and respect instead of entitlement:

Deciding to not base a relationship on a foundation of entitlement is about respecting others’ independence and self-determination. Your feelings for a person or your history together does not make you entitled to command and control a partner to comply with what is considered normal to do in a relationship. Explore how you can engage without stepping over boundaries and personal beliefs. Rather than looking for compromises in every situation, let loved ones choose paths that keep their integrity intact, without letting this mean a crisis for the relationship. Staying away from entitlement and demands is the only way to be sure that you are in a relationship that is truly mutual. Love is not more “real” when people compromise for each other because it’s part of what’s expected.

Trust is better:

Choosing to assume that your partner does not wish you harm leads you down a much more positive path than a distrustful approach where you need to be constantly validated by the other person to trust that they are there with you in the relationship. Sometimes people have so much going on inside themselves that there’s just no energy left to reach out and care for others. Create the kind of relationship where withdrawing is both supported and quickly forgiven, and give people lots of chances to talk, explain, see you and be responsible in the relationship. Remember your core values and to take care of yourself though!

And that is that. Sorry for the essay.

If you cannot have platonic relations with women simply have those platonic relations with people you do not view as romantic interests. Unless you are also attracted to men then you are in a bind.

I’m already terrible at socializing

Practice. What helped me is to accept the reality of small talk. I used to hate it. I stopped being so invested in conversations. I still try to listen, and ask questions, and be interested, and all that. But it’s OK to talk about the weather or mundane stuff like that, keep things light, walk away when it’s natural, and forget about things. Not be so invested.

Appreciate and integrate the difference between small talk and deep philosophical conversation. They are both important and both have their place. Small talk comes naturally to extroverts. Introverts (me) have to work a little harder at it.

it’s especially difficult for me to create genuine friendships with women because I can’t help thinking of them as “possible future partners” (or some bullshit like that)

Folks may not like this, but if they’re “possible future partners” then they’re not genuine friendships. They’re dating prospects. It’s fine to be interested in dating women, but as soon as you have an inkling of interest, ask them out on a date. Say the word date. If they say no, respect that, and accept that they are not available as potential future partners. You want your choices to be respected. Respect the choices of others. Asking people out is hard. I know. So is being rejected. I know. That’s life.

I would like to feel more comfortable with my singleness

Once you achieve that comfort, you will become more attractive. I think this is another matter of practice. Go do fun things by yourself! Things that you want to do! Eat out, go to the movies, travel. Not so much to meet other people but because you find fulfillment in those activities for their own sake.

while forging more non-romantic relationships with other people.

Make small talk with folks you are not attracted to. This takes a bit of the edge off and it helps with the practice. Their insight and opinions are just as valuable as those of the folks you’re attracted to.

Disclaimer: people are complicated. I sorta have to project to answer and I dont know exactly what causes your jealousy.

I used to get a lot more jealous. I used to think that I was the right partner for someone and that they were making a mistake by being with someone else. I kinda justified it with this half baked empathy that wanted the girl to be happy, but didn’t accept her as an intelligent person that can navigate and choose a partner for herself.

My jealousy was rooted in a bit of a superiority complex. I needed to accept that there are a lot of good people out there just trying to find a partner. That I’m not better than them.

I think it is fine to have feelings for a girl, its also fine to be disappointed when they don’t reciprocate. No need to try and not feel those feelings. I think it is a big ask to try and control our romantic attraction, but we can manage how we respond to it.

Though again, what if I’m wrong and maybe this stems from an attachment issue yk? I’m over here projecting. Hope this helps anyways.

I find conversation more natural when there is a “thing” we are all doing. Playing cards, bowling, pool, darts, singing kareoke whatever. That way if I start to feel awkward in the conversation I can steer it towards what we’re doing and give myself a small talk break.

I start to take 5 psychic damage a second when I’m talking to other people so I need time to regen my HP.

I don’t think there is any need to reserve or control your feelings - love freely however you’d like to be loved to everyone you encounter. If somebody doesn’t hold love or respect for you in some form, I’d say that they probably aren’t suited to being in a relationship with you, platonic or otherwise.

See loving somebody as not possessing/owning them or controlling them. If you are the best fit with somebody, you’ll both know it and it’ll click at some point. You’ll both come to the understanding that you’d rather not be with anybody else on the journey you both share and mutually chose to be on.

Loosen up and be patient, honest, and direct. Give space to your potential love interests. If you think it would help, I’d also suggest seeing people you are very passionate about as friends you have feelings for, instead of love interests - just don’t overextend yourself or give what you don’t have to give.

Trust yourself, and trust that when everything feels right, you’ll both open up at the best moment and define a proper relationship and healthy boundaries. If you truly have built trust and rapport with somebody, whatever you create with them will be a beautiful and fulfilling thing and there will be no room for jealousy or doubt because it’s simply not necessary.

I know this has been said a lot for questions like this, but it’s still true: the answer to your problem lies in seeing a psychologist. Probably no need for psychotherapy but some counseling could help you sort these things out

This makes sense, but I don’t think you need to change your feelings. Your actions are what affect the people outside of you, they don’t know what you are thinking, and you already recognize it’s not reasonable.

I remember when I went back to work after a few years raising my kids. It was odd to work with men, after only being close with the one man. But over time, it got normal and I am friends with some of them still, platonic friends. So some of it is literally just practice. Keep practicing. You sound pretty self aware, I think you will be ok.

Practice, imo. You can begin interactions with the mindset of “I want to make friends” and get used to that idea.

Try and flip the fantasies on their head.

Try looking for odd quirks and mannerisms that bother you and imagine how annoying it would be to be with a partner that does those things all the time.

Look for the particular ways they want to be cared for in the manner and how you would not be suitable to meet them, and that they might be happier with someone else.

Also just spend more time with them, and the infatuation will either fade or you’ll realize you do really like them, which is OK, let them know, and it’s OK if it’s not reciprocal (though this is actually quite hard as a lot of women are conditioned to not believe men who say this).

I understand how you feel. The first step to reduce the frustration is to try and give it less importance: as you said yourself, it’s not falling in love, it’s just infatuation. Your brain is confusing attractiveness to another person (physical or romantic) for a deep connection that doesn’t come at first sight (despite what movies and tv would make you believe) but develops in time.

You will be attracted to a lot of people in your life (assuming you’re not aromantic or asexual) and, with time, you’ll realize if you went deeper in many of these situation, the attraction would disappear, because the shallow opinion you have of a person you are not dating is very difficult to get right, and usually filtered positively by your monkey brain that just wants to formicate.

Of course trying and deepening these attractions would help you realizing this, which might not be easy if you have difficult approaching other people, but try and reflect on similar situations in the past and think about them cold-hearted: to how many people are you still infatuated? Don’t you see now the “bad things” that you brain was hiding and that don’t make you two really compatible?

Eventually it just becomes a nuisance. I don’t know if you can change it, but you can accept it and it will bother you less if you understand the mechanism behind it.

Maybe you just feel affection-starved and in these situations it’s easy to attach to ideas of relationships rather than real ones. Nothing weird of course, everybody do it is some way or another. It’s a combination of social brain and (according to your comnents) low self-esteem.

Of course these are my 2 cents according to personal experience, a therapist would you help you more with that.

Catholics are professionals at expressing deep love for the “best friends” they met ten minutes ago the night before disappearing from their lives entirely

I know there is something in me that I need to change, but I don’t know what, and I need some assistance.

The ability to recognize, cherish, and wield the quirks and stereotypes we inherited, maybe?