I was perplexed by the question. What’s the difference? They explained: “Should I tiptoe and watch my manners around you or be blunt? Flirtatious or chill? Brag about my sexual conquests or talk about our feelings? When you’re sad, do I hug you and buy you ice cream or do we go grab some beers? Should I wonder if we’ll ever hook up?”
I’m not sure if I’m more appalled or confused by this mindset. I thought everyone treated their friends the same regardless of their gender identity. Is this just a fringe case of toxic masculinity, or is this really how the average cis person sees the world?
We live in a cisheteronormative society in which, yes, absolutely, the way someone’s gender is perceived impacts how people interact with them.
I (trans man) generally don’t treat my friends too differently based on gender, but there are definitely some differences between my relationships with women and my relationships with men. When I hang out with other guys, there’s a lot more “dude”, “man”, “bud” in conversations (obviously). When I hang out with women, conversations about feelings and personal issues are more common, and so are hugs/embraces. This is pretty much entirely “code switching” for me, and not a case of me imposing that this is how relationships with a certain gender should work.
I should point out, though, that this is not 100% based on gender and gender only. It’s largely about the personality, and we live in a world in which there is a strong correlation between gender identity and personality traits (see: gender roles and stereotypes), and so gender can often (but not always) act as a shorthand for that. As a counterexample, someone I know is an effeminate (cis) guy, and I’d say that our conversations and interactions feel more like the ones I’m used to with women.
Your question’s made me curious; you appear to be binary trans (please correct me if I am mistaken!) Prior to making this post and having this discussion, what had the concept of passing meant to you? Was it purely about automatically being referred to with the right pronouns and terms (son/brother/etc) without having to say anything? Or was there anything more to it?
Passing to me is about looking in the mirror and seeing my outside match my inside. That is, rugged and masculine. It is nice that people automatically call me “he” but I very often miss the way that people treated me before transitioning - they were just nicer.
People like women more than men in general, and are more comfortable interacting with women. That’s why service positions selectively hire more women and effeminate men.