I was perplexed by the question. What’s the difference? They explained: “Should I tiptoe and watch my manners around you or be blunt? Flirtatious or chill? Brag about my sexual conquests or talk about our feelings? When you’re sad, do I hug you and buy you ice cream or do we go grab some beers? Should I wonder if we’ll ever hook up?”

I’m not sure if I’m more appalled or confused by this mindset. I thought everyone treated their friends the same regardless of their gender identity. Is this just a fringe case of toxic masculinity, or is this really how the average cis person sees the world?

  • dandelionEnglish
    9·
    6 days ago

    As someone who would identify as a hardcore feminist and who has been told they’re on the spectrum countless times, I feel you, lol.

    I admit my understanding of the whole gender thing is a bit analytical (and I encourage other voices to correct me).

    When I was closeted and before I admitted to myself I was trans, my views probably would have been described as gender abolitionist. Honestly gender was so painful for me that I felt gender itself was the problem (and there are plenty of examples of the harm from gender norms to get lost rationalizing this way). Of course now, looking back, I was clearly suffering from gender dysphoria and I found ways to rationalize never alleviating those feelings - I developed a disdain for femininity (femmephobia) and called it feminism, for example.

    Julia Serano’s books really helped me work through these issues early in transition, maybe they would help you too? Especially you might find Sexed Up helpful as that is more about the way society genders people and how that sets up expectations. Not just helpful from a trans and feminist perspective, but also from that outsider / autistic perspective, where it helps to have an explicit map explaining the implicit social norms everyone else lives by.

    EDIT: by the way, autism/ADHD and gender dysphoria have a high rate of coincidence:

    the G allele in STS is associated with reduced enzyme levels; this has been noted mostly in studies of ADHD (41), a condition with fivefold increased incidence of gender dysphoria (42), suggesting a possible overlap in etiology.

    from this article

    And that increase with ADHD is also true for people on the autism spectrum:

    participants with ASD [autism spectrum disorder] were 7.59 times more likely to express gender variance; participants with ADHD were 6.64 times more likely to express gender variance

    from (42)

    So don’t be surprised, being trans, that you might have some neurodivergent traits too!