Women are often taught assertive means bitch and/or unhinged. How easy do you find being assertive? Has this changed through your life?
Its very difficult, I have been beaten down my entire life. My entire life ive been told that I am awful and disgusting, every person in my childhood who was supposed to “protect” me did very little more than enforce their idea of me. Every time I try to enforce my own idea of myself im called unhinged. Now I just feel empty and depressed.
I get that kittenz, it’s hard when we’ve been told our very being is awful and disgusting. We can’t help but take that into ourselves and believe it. It’s no surprise you feel empty and depressed constantly swimming just to stay afloat is exhausting. Lean on us we’re here
Thats why I love this place
❤️ 💙 💜
My dad brought me up to not put up with bullshit, so I had some bolstering in my upbringing. But even with that when I started working life I found it really hard to assert myself.
Now?
I’m what my father brought me up to be: self-confident and assertive. And if someone pushes back at “the bitch” they’ll find out what me being bitchy REALLY looks like.
Easy. I’ve been told that I’m assertive in a diplomatic way. I’m nice but if I’m not okay with something then I will make that known
Assertive in a diplomatic way is a really good skill! What tips do you have to share with women that aren’t great about it?
I try and use positive language whenever I can, but in a way that still gets my point across. Be clear about what you want or are not okay with without using accusatory or negative wording, establish boundaries and be honest about how you feel! Use “I” statements (ie, “I disagree with that” rather than “you’re wrong”) and try to keep a calm but confident tone. It’s something that requires practise but over time it should come more naturally!
Those are great tips! I often say “I see it differently” rather than “I disagree” but you can’t tred softly when you’re being assertive
Lot easier to victimize someone who has been groomed to not stand up for themselves
Yep, it’s dangerous for women.
Oh, horrifyingly hard. Hate it. Makes me cry. Hate that too, which makes me cry.
Vicious cycle.
It is hard Rebekah I used to be horrendous at it. We just aren’t taught or encouraged to do it, and there can be bad consequences when we do it. Do you know what lead to you struggling with it?
I think simply existing made it worse! And conflicting everything as a kid, just freeze up entirely.
It is really hard mate, women are less likely to play contact sports, have assertive role models or be encouraged to stand up for ourselves. Then our childhood experiences can make it even harder. It took a lot of counselling, practice and just getting older to get good at it.
Does knife-fighting and jiu-jitsu count as “contact sports”? 'Cause that’s what my dad taught me from my youth. 🤣
(Dad was not your normal father.)
But yes, it’s hard to find an assertive role model in life, which is why early in my career it was easy to walk all over me. All culture (pop or otherwise) around you insists you should be meek, forbearing, tolerant, and nurturing and that any woman who doesn’t fall into this model is a “pushy broad” or “bitch” or whatnot. It’s very hard to find any strong feminine role models that aren’t just “men with tits” on one end of the scale or “bitches who deserve a comeuppance” on the other.
Men with tits or women who deserve comeuppance is a good way of putting it!
I used to be timid and never spoke up. Never defended myself.
Now, realizing how much I’ve been used over the years, I’ve lost my tact and have no trouble making myself heard. I’m worth defending.
Love that! “We’re worth defending” should be this groups official motto
This. This right here. Sounds like my curve.
I think I am perceived as assertive, but I think it’s just a rigidity in my mindset that leads to certain compulsive behaviors that translate to people mistaking me for being assertive. Usually if “assertiveness” is happening it’s more like I’m essentially throwing a controlled tantrum because something has gone very wrong.
In reality I am so conflict-averse that I’ll let a problem become huge before addressing it with someone, and I rarely feel entitled to stand up for myself. I’m often so shy and soft spoken people can’t hear me. I have such a low opinion of myself that I often won’t even attempt certain tasks that I am intimidated by, on the assumption that I will never succeed.
At work I try to be more assertive, and my partner often pushes me to be more assertive in some situations. It’s hard, but I do feel like I’m improving - at work I have less catastrophic thinking now and I’m more likely to just work a task to completion rather than spiral in self doubt when I run into major roadblocks.
Being conflict averse is something a lot of women struggle with. Have you always struggled with it?
Yes, as far as I can remember. I experienced what is called “adverse childhood experiences” growing up, so that might have played a role 😅 I was actually forced by a stepparent to be more assertive, I would be criticized or punished for not speaking loudly enough or confidently enough. (Later, I was also criticized for appearing too confident and authoritative - there was no way to be right or safe.)
So I would say I struggled with assertiveness and then was sorta trained to overcome it, which resulted in becoming an unpleasantly critical person who is by nature shy but under stress can react with critical correctiveness that comes across as assertive. But I don’t particularly like being that way, it’s not exactly the same as being self-confident or assertive, it’s awful.
I reffed hockey for over a decade starting at 13, so in a prime developmental phase of my life, which i think is the reason i have an easier time asserting myself to men (i had to deal with being in a position of authority over stupid middle-aged coaches who thought they could intimidate me). Literally I just had practice and training, I am no more capable of assertion than any other woman.
That being said, I hope we keep supporting one another and building each other’s confidence in self-assertion and self-advocacy, because it is far too difficult for most women considering how we are socialized.
That’s an interesting path. You had actual authority over men starting at 13. That’s GREAT practice!
It really was. I’d recommend it to anyone tbh, plus having some economic freedom that young was wonderful.
I’m very bad at being assertive but I’ve always been shy and introverted which definitely doesn’t help
