Well, the egg “cracked” I guess. After 24 years, I’ve realized that I’m probably NB or trans. Looking back, I think that for a long while now, there’s been something in the back of my mind. Like a seed of doubt. I can think of any number of things that could’ve contributed to it. And it’s weird to me because I haven’t really felt any dysphoria, at least I can’t think of anything off the top of my head. But I know that there’s something off.
But anyway, over last weekend I was thinking about it a lot and after I came to that conclusion it was like this buzzing in my head that I hadn’t realized was there went quiet. And now that I know that… I have no fucking clue what happens next. The only people that know are close friends and I will absolutely not be letting anyone else who knows me know. HRT may be a very long ways (potentially 2 years, haven’t looked into it too much yet) away depending on a pending federal job.
There are also private HRT options like Folx and Plume, they’re more expensive but don’t require insurance (and they can ship the estrogen to you, I believe). (EDIT: +1 for Planned Parenthood, btw - the local trans women I know use PP for access to HRT without insurance.)
Being in TX is not ideal, but I don’t know what to say other than you should move.
Regardless of your career, being trans is unavoidable, it’s not a choice (maybe not how it feels right now, I get it), we know it’s a genetic condition and the only treatment known to help is medical transition … it’s like worrying about whether you should get treatment for diabetes because the FAA has special requirements for diabetics who need to take insulin. It’s not a realistic option to just not take insulin. While we live in a transphobic society that doesn’t recognize the medical importance of HRT for trans folks, for many of us (and maybe you too), it’s not that different of a comparison.
I didn’t really appreciate this point until I was on HRT, though - I still balk at how long I lived without estrogen, it boggles the mind that I didn’t die (I nearly did a few times, looking back). Before then, there was no way I would believe HRT was an essential medication.