I still want to die and I feel like my friends who wanted me to get help are better off without me. Today I was sitting on the couch venting about some car related stuff, than how I was anxious about not getting a job in our new city, than without warning everyone leaves I feel like they got tired of me venting and just left. If I ask they will deny it but I know I’m a burden and I really wouldn’t blame them if they kicked me out if I went to the phycward and lost job. I feel like they don’t want me to die but also don’t know they are better off without me and I’m mentally abusive cause I vent and I tire people out but no one can say anything cause I’m suicidal.
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Being real, folks need to learn that it’s okay to interrupt someone that’s venting for an extended time.
Specifically so that you can tell them, “yo dawg, you spiraling. Time to switch shit up and move to positive and healthy conversation so you can boost your mood and get out of the funk for a while”
No bullshit, one of the worst things about depression, anxiety and related forms of mental health that lead to suicidal ideation is that it’s so hard to stop spiraling on your own. But if someone outside breaks into your spiral, and drags you into a different conversation, different activities, you can get temporary relief. That temporary relief can, eventually, be key to success in achieving remission alongside treatment.
My advice? Read that to your friends that are trying to help you. Most people don’t know how to help. They think that venting is something that’s supposed to be listened to rather than used as a short term coping tool that needs to have a limit.
Trust your friends to take this idea and use it in a healthy way.
As someone else also going through depression, your anxiety demon telling you all this is just an overreaction. When you have anxiety, your brain is always looking for threats and magnifying them. If you’re thinking “dies this make me abusive?” That’s usually a good sign that you have the compassion required to not be.
If you have the means to do so, I would recommend therapy. It’s a good place to talk about your worries in an environment where you aren’t worried about burdening friends.
What you have described isn’t being mentally abusive. I’m really sorry you’re in this position. Please don’t convince yourself this behaviour makes you an abusive person: it doesn’t.
When your friends express that they want you to find help, it’s because they care about you. They want you to come out of this and thrive.
Maybe have a conversation with them where you come up with a code that means “we still love you, but for personal reasons we need to step away from your venting for the moment.” you might feel better if you know they’ll tell you when they need to leave, and they can feel like they can leave safely. Your part of the code would mean ‘i will not hurt myself because you had to leave, and I also love you.’
This works for some people (an overstimulated autistic person who needs to communicate to their anxious partner they need to be alone, for instance), but not everyone, but it might be worth a shot if you can eventually internalize the idea that people can leave for a time and still care about you, and if they can deliberately put themselves first when necessary, you can trust that their care is genuine.
The ‘code’ can just be the actual words, but it can be useful to have a shorthand when emotions are overpowering.
In the end, entropy is ultimately going to win, scrambling all data back into meaninglessness.
In the meantime, we are. We don’t need an excuse to be, because we are already here. We are each a unique perspective, of the universe experiencing itself. We only have so much time to experience before entropy clocks us out, so why do that fucker any favors?
Life is hard. It is SUPPOSED to be hard. If it were easy, it would be pointless and you wouldn’t develop into a well-rounded person. For proof? I enter every single child of wealth in all of human history. Nothing like escaping accountability - or subverting the natural law of cause and effect - to make people become monsters. Being born into money GUARANTEES misery AND, like all addictions, it self perpetuates making the tools for holistic realignment unreachable. Elon Musk tries soooooo hard to just be accepted as one of the cool guys, he tries soooo hard he BOUGHT Twitter and yet, to the majority, he’s a fucking nonce. The only thing he can’t buy is popularity, cuz he’s a fuckwit.
My point, if your problems are external, are they really problems? Society is an illusion. Civility is a sham, law is a joke, everything is trying to propagandize you and sell you snake oil.
But you don’t have to play along. You don’t have to let them win. You don’t have to let entropy win. Exist out of spite. Rage against the authors of this bullshit, because it’s sophomoric at best. Keep learning. Keep seeing thru people’s bullshit and don’t spare anyone’s feelings when you expose them for their shit. what’s the worst that can happen to you? They take you out? Fucking fiiiinally. some rest from you basic bitches.
If I could not be me, then I would be Diogenese.
