I still want to die and I feel like my friends who wanted me to get help are better off without me. Today I was sitting on the couch venting about some car related stuff, than how I was anxious about not getting a job in our new city, than without warning everyone leaves I feel like they got tired of me venting and just left. If I ask they will deny it but I know I’m a burden and I really wouldn’t blame them if they kicked me out if I went to the phycward and lost job. I feel like they don’t want me to die but also don’t know they are better off without me and I’m mentally abusive cause I vent and I tire people out but no one can say anything cause I’m suicidal.
In the end, entropy is ultimately going to win, scrambling all data back into meaninglessness.
In the meantime, we are. We don’t need an excuse to be, because we are already here. We are each a unique perspective, of the universe experiencing itself. We only have so much time to experience before entropy clocks us out, so why do that fucker any favors?
Life is hard. It is SUPPOSED to be hard. If it were easy, it would be pointless and you wouldn’t develop into a well-rounded person. For proof? I enter every single child of wealth in all of human history. Nothing like escaping accountability - or subverting the natural law of cause and effect - to make people become monsters. Being born into money GUARANTEES misery AND, like all addictions, it self perpetuates making the tools for holistic realignment unreachable. Elon Musk tries soooooo hard to just be accepted as one of the cool guys, he tries soooo hard he BOUGHT Twitter and yet, to the majority, he’s a fucking nonce. The only thing he can’t buy is popularity, cuz he’s a fuckwit.
My point, if your problems are external, are they really problems? Society is an illusion. Civility is a sham, law is a joke, everything is trying to propagandize you and sell you snake oil.
But you don’t have to play along. You don’t have to let them win. You don’t have to let entropy win. Exist out of spite. Rage against the authors of this bullshit, because it’s sophomoric at best. Keep learning. Keep seeing thru people’s bullshit and don’t spare anyone’s feelings when you expose them for their shit. what’s the worst that can happen to you? They take you out? Fucking fiiiinally. some rest from you basic bitches.
If I could not be me, then I would be Diogenese.