I’m really convinced everyone in my life really sees me as a full time chore

I can all but guarantee you’re the only one in your life who thinks that. I know someone a little bit like that (thinking everyone is just being nice when they’re actually annoyed) and it’s steady work to make them feel loved.

We don’t do that shit because we have to - we don’t - we do it out of real love.

Suicidal thoughts aren’t a scheme, you didn’t chose to feel this way. Which means you’re not an abuser for feeling them.

The rest if your paragraph goes a bit off the rails, not sure how literal you mean it though.

There’s no Truman Show, no psyop, no great charade.
What people do in real life when they hate someone is they stop engaging. If any of your friends got tired of you you’d notice. They’d disappear from your circles.

Lastly, please take care of yourself.

You seem aware of your struggles, so if you are in a position able to seek help please do so. No, you’re not wasting anyone’s time, it’s ltierally therapists job to figure out how to help people.

They chose this job, and they will do it as long as necessary.

When I have thoughts like this I imagine that I am dealing with a friend who is having these thoughts.

If your friend was constantly struggling with their mental health and you were trying to help them would you call them an toxic, horrible, emotional abuser? I don’t think you would. I certainly don’t feel that way about my friends who struggle.

I also try to look at the evidence. Is there any actual evidence that people feel this way beyond your own thoughts and feelings?

Mental health is constant battle and separating real life from your condition can be an incredibly hard but rewarding exercise.

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.

I’m very sorry you feel this way. I’ve had my share of dark times and they’re not a great place to be. I understand you must be in deep pain and I truly am sorry. <3

Sorry if this is unwelcome, but maybe don’t be so hard on yourself? In my experience, when dealing with self loathing/hatred, looking at the way I talked to and referred to myself and trying to guide it towards more compassionate and empathic ways was super helpful.

And if you’re still mad at or ashamed of yourself, something that worked for me to process those emotions was asking myself if I would hold the people I actually love and care about to the same standard, if they did/were what I considered unacceptable for myself to do/be… It wasn’t easy and took some time but eventually I learnt to care about myself and treat myself like a human being.

You sound like a sensitive person that cares about the people around you to me, and I think that is very valuable. You may be having a real hard time right now, and these people might have to do a bit of extra emotional work here and there, but if they’re choosing to be nice and to stick around… I would guess that they see something in you that maybe you don’t?

Life’s weird, friend. Sometimes in the depths of the abyss where there is nothing but darkness, you find things that still matter to you, even when gazing deep into the despair… And when you find one of those things, you acquire something that many people consume their entire lives seeking unsuccessfully: meaning.

There is a way out. I promise. And you can get there. I believe in you! And I love you for sharing this and making yourself vulnerable out of care about the people around you. If you could do me one favor, just please try cutting yourself some slack! You’re worth it! <333

If you ever need to talk to someone and would like to do so privately, feel free to drop me a dm whenever.