The problem is, everyone THINKS that they’re the woman in this meme.
True, in reality everyone in the ghoul. Dating does become harder the older you get. When you’re 18 and you date an 18 year old, both have very little life and dating experience. You basically mix water with water. When you’re 35, you’re vinegar and even if you like your date, she might be oil and you just don’t mix. You have to compromise, which only gets harder and harder.
Bad analogy. Vinegar and oil make a tasty vinaigrette but I get your point.
Especially if you can open that up to a little basil now and then
So threesome…
With a guy named Herb
I know a 30yo woman that I am interested in, and is 40mins away. The problem is she is not interested. She likes guys that are 20yo and live long distance(other countries), and they all end disastrously. I am just her 34yo friend.
They do? Oh… oh, I might need therapy.
I know you’re not from the South because down there the first wave of divorces is at about 21 years old with three kids
Marrying the first person you ever fuck and breeding uncontrollably only to become deeply miserable and unfulfilled in your locked down life is very human and not at all a good idea. Every success story of first love is a random aberration that fuels the myth that this should be the status quo.
Most people are a lot sluttier than that
Southerner here to confirm. I’m 36, graduated in 2004, I know a few people my age with 20 year olds now. 🙄
Did you graduate 2 years early?
2004 was 20 years ago. You’d have been 16
Can get pregnant at 16, math checks out.
Not all of the kids have to be theirs either.
And you know they’re not from NYC, LA, or SF - because there are tons of good looking single people over 35.
I hate how true this is.
What’s worse is that many of the people who didn’t fall into that trap have been waiting to responsibly have children later, which I also don’t want. Finding anyone down here that is interested in being child free down here is a challenge and finding someone who doesn’t expect to have a busy life to make up for it is even more difficult.
I didn’t know penguins could marry.
Four suitors? What is she, a billionaire?!
I worked for one of the major dating sites about a decade ago. Let me assure you, that people act like debased hyperhormonal chimps in heat when they think nobody is watching. Oh, and by the way - someone is ALWAYS watching.
If you’re a male who has some combination of a steady job, are remotely reliable, not drug or booze addled, have most of your teeth and hair and can tell a joke and hold a conversation - you’re golden. It is UTTERLY unfair to ladies, but just being able to hold that low bar will get you much farther than you might think.
It’s a strange dilemma - for a dating site to suceed, you have to protect the women. From the guys’ perspective, it’s shouting into the void, on the off chance you might EVER stand out enough to get a reply a week. From a woman’s perspective, it’s like the ozone layer protecting a constant bombardment of radiation and lethal rocks from space. A cornucopia of typically BAD CHOICES that manage to slip through the various cracks that the sites/apps put up to protect them.
But - the women ARE the site. If you have the WOMEN, then the men would follow you buck naked through the flaming tar pits of hell to get to them. But - the average male is a monosyllabic goblin with skeletons in his closet and bad intentions much more often than you’d think. It’s why Bumble tried female-only communication initiation. The women on dating sites have an invisible shield tbey don’t even realize exists around them to prevent bots, unsolicited dick pics, one word messages, repeat-offense harassers, and wide-net-casting quagmires who have more deeply held mysoginstic beliefs than they do good pick up lines.
I think the joke and hold a good conversation are where I run into problems.
I can’t keep jobs because of my agoraphobia, and anxiety. I was thinking of volunteering at the library, but transportation sucks in my city, and I don’t drive. I have mental rumination, and depression, while I also suck at keeping a good conversation. I do a lot of sucking, but not the good kind, except when I have a bowl of noodles.
That there is already a good self deprecating joke. Don’t sell yourself short. Unless you ARE short, then may I recommend entering the priesthood
This is a good ad.
Except that “the women” on your sites are often bots controlled by the site. Men will drag themselves through hell when they’re led on by a bot, too. And the site gets to control the bots.
Surely they can’t start browsing DMs?
Anything not advertised as E2EE can be assumed to have some 3rd party able to look at the conversation, malicious or not.
Of course. How do you investigate harassment and identify site-killing lunatics without keyword searching.
It’s all stored and anyone who needs to see stuff their site hosts can get it. Plus - you’d be surprised how much criminal activity people are willing to discuss with strangers.
No. No it does not.
No kidding. I’m apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren’t compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.
From what I’ve learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.
My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it’s too much).
I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me “clingy.”
In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn’t read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There’s a small amount of “disorganized” that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.
The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don’t put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.
If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you’d be completely right. It’s really hard to end amicably after that.
What was the book?
The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down.
“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Incels are on the rise, both genders. Where do they fit in your 100%? We’re seeing the birth of hikkikomori culture.
If I had to guess based on my understanding of attachment theory, it could be the anxious attachment, the avoidant, or the disorganized (which has traits of both, and is rare). In any case it’s clearly the insecure attachment styles.
Based on the “incel” description itself though, I don’t think you have enough information to guess either. An individual hokkikomori is clearly more avoidant than anything though, as they don’t seek or hold relationships with others as valuable.
Holy shit go live your life. You’re not a cell on a spreadsheet about attachment theory.
Wait I’m confused - you asked where they fit in the 100%. I gave you my best guess.
What does that have to do with spreadsheets?
What do incels and Excel have in common?
They both wrongly assume somethings a date when it’s not!
I don’t think the divorce part isthe point of the meme…
Yes but the post title is what I was responding to.
Dude, I hear that loud and f-ing clear. I’m also someone who left a marriage without any real hate toward my ex. We were chill during the marriage and afterward. No cheating; no drama.
So when I re-entered the dating world a decade after I had previously been in it, I did not expect the amount of bitter dudes I’ve since come across. If your profile starts with you saying you won’t tolerate a woman who does ______., I’m more concerned about how damaged you are from your previous relationship than I am about whether or not we would be a good match.
I had one too. My ex and I are on great terms. It makes for some fun moments when we can joke about our divorce and make people uncomfortable.
Yes. It does 🤣
There, now things are balanced again.
No. They aren’t!
√(yes)
After 35 is the first wave of divorces?
Dude most people I know don’t start thinking about marriage or kids before 30
The bigger problem is everyone has kids already. But by 45 or so you can start looking for people with adult kids.
What’s the movie? I really identify with corpse #3
Poltergeist
Also she’s swimming with real bodies because it was cheaper.
Oh, alright, so it was rubber, only on real bones.
Do I remember correctly that these were real bodies because it was cheaper than fakes?
The one struggling to keep it’s head above water?
That’s the one!
Noice.
I feel this in my core. Dating in your 30s is like dating at max difficulty
I find it much easier!
- People are less shy
- They have more experience
- They know better what they are looking for
- Their fantasy marriage/life has been renounced
- People are much more chill about sex matters
- Their romantic histories are quite telling
- Most people have their own place
- Careers are mostly stable
/
Cons
- Much smaller dating pool
- Many have kids already
- More difficult to make friends/meet people in general
- Many have kids already
Why is that a con?
It introduces more factors to consider. One, the kids will be involved in the relationship, so that’s more people that have to get along well. Two, they take up time, energy, and resources that could otherwise go to the relationship. Three, the parents are more anchored to their current life, so things like going on vacation or moving become much more complex and expensive. Four, the person will almost certainly have to maintain a relationship with their ex/other parent of the children. Five, if you yourself want to have kids, they may not be willing to do so anymore.
I acknowledge that having kids has its benefits too though. It’s not all bad.
Valid reasons.
Ahhh they are inextricably linked to a previous partner and you’re expected to become a parental figure if the relationship goes anywhere serious.
Some people (like me) really don’t want an instant family.
I take my hat off to those who don’t have kids but date parents; they are better people than I.
I wouldn’t mind doing it, but I would have to know the partner really well and feel confident that it would be a stable relationship. I remember having a hard time as a kid when I lost my aunt because her and my uncle had a nasty divorce where she went no contact.
Pros of dating a parent:
- You can see how they treat those that are vulnerable and dependent on them
- They’re typically more stable, conscientious, and responsible
- Good parents know that they have to model healthy behavior, so they practice those
- You already know what you are getting with the kids, so it’s not a surprise
- The kids inadvertently tell on the parent if the parent is misrepresenting themselves up front
- Can do family activities that would normally be considered odd for only adults to partake
- The many benefits of being a parent
- If there’s shared custody, you regularly get time off from being a parent
Getting older, with an established career makes spontaneity harder as it is. Add kids to the mix and it’s pretty much impossible.
I … don’t want that. I like making last minutes plans, 1-2 week long trips, etc. The most limiting factor for me is dropping off my cat at one of my many friends/family members that can watch it (and I reciprocate with their pets).
If I’m going to date it’s going to be with someone with a compatible lifestyle.
Not OP, but I was sterilized in my mid 20s. Not only am I not interested in having kids, but I would not be a good parent. I have still dated people with kids who made it clear there would never be an expectation that I become a parent or interact with their kids, which does address those issues, but there are others. Understandably their kids take priority over basically everything except for maybe the factors that effect their ability to provide for their kids (or at least I think they should). That often means they don’t have nearly as much time to hang out and build a connection, nor are they able to be as free to do other things due to constraints on their time, finances, or both like going on fun trips. Another factor I have run into that is that usually the reason someone is single and has kids due to entirely positive reasons, and there is often at least some amount of trauma in their past that is often not entirely behind them.
To be clear the above is in no way an absolute and are merely my anecdotal experience and correlations in the given area I live. It is also always worth keeping in mind that I am in no way perfect myself and that it’s possible there is something about me that results in the above being my experience.
As a 35+ would you rather be with someone who’s had bad experiences in relationships, or no experience in relationships?
Depends how many bad experiences. If all your relationships were a bad experience, then there is a good chance you were the reason for that
Like a guy I know who is divorced four times… Thinks he has really bad luck. Nope buddy. It’s you.
Give him a book called “Attached” by Levine and Heller. I doubt he’ll actually make any changes, but it’s a good way to tell him it’s him without you having to say it at all.
Very true
The issue I have run into a lot is that they have the “wrong” kind of experience. Somewhat inline with the adage “practice doesn’t make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect”. I spent a lot of my teens and 20s being introspective, working on myself, and becoming the kind of person I would want to date. A lot of people I have had experiences with in my 30s spent a lot of that time in bad relationships creating reactive responses to various things rather than addressing the core issues or learning how to, and as a result they often have a lot of “bad habits” or expectations going into dating or future relationships.
I have met more than one person that has said they need someone who can be patient with them while they heal and deal with their past, while also not necessarily wanting to, or being capable of, providing that same level of patience and understanding to a partner. That seems…uhhh not really appropriate or fair? But I’m the one that’s been single for quite a while, sooooo it’s just as likely I could be the one with my head so far up my ass I can taste my tonsils.
Ding ding ding! The key is actually learning and growing from those bad experiences and bettering yourself as a result. A lot of people seem caught in the loop of searching for someone to make them better instead of looking for an actual partner.
I’d rather be content by myself.
Bad experiences. No experience at my age would be a very bad sign. With my husband, we each had one crazy ex, then he had a couple of two year relationships that weren’t bad just sort of ran their course. Apparently when he met me he knew it could work out long term but I was afraid he was only good for two years, so just took it kinda slow, not sex-wise but relationship-wise. Waited two years to move in together (we both had kids so it was a good idea regardless) then he started making noise about getting married, I told him he could ask after we’d lived together two years.
Best relationship of my life so far, 12 years in, we are both well aware how good we have it, because we have both had the bad times. His kids won’t even talk to their mom - in the divorce the courts gave him custody not just of his kids, but his step kids too, that is how bad she got, and she has not improved. My ex’s mom said if it came to it she would argue her son should not even have visitation, that’s how bad he got (we weren’t married so that part was easier). He has improved when he quit drinking, thank God and now sometimes hangs out, like at holidays, parties, etc.
So I would argue for experience use but caution. Not someone with a string of crazy exes.
No experience. All bad experiences means more potential for either a lot of unchecked baggage, that person is the cause of the bad experiences, or both.
Is there a third option?
See above I guess lol
This is where I have massive respect for gay guys who just use Sniffies for outright hookups and sometimes don’t even bother to learn the other guy’s name. Listening to drag queen podcasts has taught me a lot, and that a sex life can be pretty straightforward for gay guys.
Meanwhile, gay women, 🦗🦗🦗
I do not recognise the bodies in the water!!
No, wait, I do actually, that’s Steve, he died last week, I wonder how he got a movie part after that. Lucky.
Oh, and there is Shelly, looking sexy as ever.… oh shit.
I’m just waiting til I get to the retirement home in about 35 years, they’re like huge orgies.
Orgies and Lan parties all day
Aww man, that sounds so awesome! Hopefully weed will be legal by then in the UK too.
I wish I didn’t know this first hand
What happened?
They removed the headstones but left the bodies!
The solution is to just stop bothering trying and accept that you’ll always be alone, or that at some point you’ll stumble upon a person who you like and likes you back.
Im lesbian and know 2 lesbians, so like, I doubt that’s going to happen, so I just do the former.
