No kidding. I’m apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren’t compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.
From what I’ve learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.
My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it’s too much).
I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me “clingy.”
In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn’t read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There’s a small amount of “disorganized” that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.
The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don’t put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.
If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you’d be completely right. It’s really hard to end amicably after that.
If I had to guess based on my understanding of attachment theory, it could be the anxious attachment, the avoidant, or the disorganized (which has traits of both, and is rare). In any case it’s clearly the insecure attachment styles.
Based on the “incel” description itself though, I don’t think you have enough information to guess either. An individual hokkikomori is clearly more avoidant than anything though, as they don’t seek or hold relationships with others as valuable.
Dude, I hear that loud and f-ing clear. I’m also someone who left a marriage without any real hate toward my ex. We were chill during the marriage and afterward. No cheating; no drama.
So when I re-entered the dating world a decade after I had previously been in it, I did not expect the amount of bitter dudes I’ve since come across. If your profile starts with you saying you won’t tolerate a woman who does ______., I’m more concerned about how damaged you are from your previous relationship than I am about whether or not we would be a good match.
No kidding. I’m apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren’t compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.
From what I’ve learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.
My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it’s too much).
I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me “clingy.”
In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn’t read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There’s a small amount of “disorganized” that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.
The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don’t put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.
If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you’d be completely right. It’s really hard to end amicably after that.
What was the book?
“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down.
Incels are on the rise, both genders. Where do they fit in your 100%? We’re seeing the birth of hikkikomori culture.
If I had to guess based on my understanding of attachment theory, it could be the anxious attachment, the avoidant, or the disorganized (which has traits of both, and is rare). In any case it’s clearly the insecure attachment styles.
Based on the “incel” description itself though, I don’t think you have enough information to guess either. An individual hokkikomori is clearly more avoidant than anything though, as they don’t seek or hold relationships with others as valuable.
Holy shit go live your life. You’re not a cell on a spreadsheet about attachment theory.
Wait I’m confused - you asked where they fit in the 100%. I gave you my best guess.
What does that have to do with spreadsheets?
What do incels and Excel have in common?
They both wrongly assume somethings a date when it’s not!
I don’t think the divorce part isthe point of the meme…
Yes but the post title is what I was responding to.
Dude, I hear that loud and f-ing clear. I’m also someone who left a marriage without any real hate toward my ex. We were chill during the marriage and afterward. No cheating; no drama.
So when I re-entered the dating world a decade after I had previously been in it, I did not expect the amount of bitter dudes I’ve since come across. If your profile starts with you saying you won’t tolerate a woman who does ______., I’m more concerned about how damaged you are from your previous relationship than I am about whether or not we would be a good match.
I had one too. My ex and I are on great terms. It makes for some fun moments when we can joke about our divorce and make people uncomfortable.