I’m always questioning myself. Intellectually, I have no idea what I want. My little instinctive thoughts and feelings, though, are pretty consistent, and that’s been a great source of comfort. Enby? Trans woman? I don’t know, but in the end it doesn’t really matter, I enjoy presenting and feeling fem and doing things to that effect makes me happy.

People say “it’s about the journey, not the destination”, which I think in most cases is generally a pretty hollow platitude. It rings very true about the journey to knowing yourself, though, because learning about yourself changes you, so there will always be more to know, the journey constantly changes the destination.

Not that that really makes being kind of out of touch with myself any less unpleasant, but at least it’s comforting knowing I’m self aware.

Except until I remember talking about this with someone who I was pretty close to and and they told me I’m way too self-absorbed and think about myself way too much. Which, while hurtful, is also kinda true. I do just wish I could stop thinking, it would be nice.

Depression’s been REALLY bad the last couple months, finally getting better again. Almost started writing notes at one point but called a friend instead. Things have gotten better to the point where the antidepressants override things again, which is nice. They don’t stop me from being depressed, but they kind of… disconnect it from me? Prevent it from causing symptoms? It’s nice.

I want to get laser hair removal for my face, and find some clothes that are more fem that don’t look super out of place on me, and really try doing makeup. Lately when I glance in the mirror my lips catch my eye and I think I’d look nice with lipstick. Following those little moments has led me here and made me happy, so I’m gonna keep doing it.

Content warning, sexual things below.

I caught oral herpes from making out with a guy, but didn’t realize it at the time, and unknowingly transferred it to my ass via toy that I used orally and didn’t sanitize before using anally. I’m thorough about sanitizing the other way around, but never thought about it mouth to ass. That really fucked me up and the day I found out I had herpes was the day I almost started writing notes. It wasn’t just that, I was physically feeling terrible from both another illness and the outbreak which I thought was a fissure, so did urgent care, so it went untreated for a week and got very bad. A friend was staying with me and had a major bipolar crash just before this, and I was the most stressed ai had ever been in my life. But fuck, I had just spent months in therapy getting comfortable with dating and sex, and then without anyone ever making contact with my ass (except for one guy who ate it and tested negative and is probably the closest you can get to a sex saint) getting infected with herpes? It just instantly undid all the progress I’d made. It also made my ass feel terrible, like I didn’t get to toy for two months and then it was was uncomfortable and even painful to start penetrating myself again. Even when I first started it was never painful and rarely uncomfortable. I’ve been slowly working at getting back ul to speed, but fuck it’s slow going getting back to normal and that was one of the few things that I loved myself for/through, if that makes any sense. Honestly, a core part of my identity and now it’s fractured into pieces. Still, things are improving, just slowly. I definitely won’t be able to ise my open source sex machine for a couple months.