I came out to my mom in may and until 2.5 weeks ago everything was fine. I had another session with my therapist and before that I told her how my feelings regarding my gender identity intensified and that I seriously started considering DIY HRT (not in that words because she doesn’t know what that means, but that was the point). After that she started to swing really hard in both directions when talking to me about my gender identity. She is doing her best to help me (it’s not very successful because she doesn’t understand what being trans means) but sometimes she tells me how people from LGBT community do really bad stuff. To be fair, in our country there were some situations where someone from from the community who would do something in public they really shouldn’t do, but that’s really small number of people. I told her that only some people are like that and most don’t do things like that but she just tells me that it’s actually opposite. Today she entered my room just to show me how some crossdressers “made fun” of the Last supper (she found it offensive because she is a Christian) and to tell me how bad it is and that that’s what I want to get into. Worst part is that I already told her the first time that I don’t want to participate in public LGBT events and that I just want to live my own life, but she continues to do stuff like this. To me it feels like she sees things like things and is scared that I will be part of that while ingoring what I already told her. And I don’t like the way she talks about that. I’d like to give her some resources so she could learn something about trans people but I couldn’t find anything good on my native language (she doesn’t know any other language). If I just told her that wouldn’t be enough. At this point I’m not sure is she truly accepting or not. What should I do?
It might help to know the country / cultural context you are in. A lot of people here are likely to be Westerners, and the advice they give may or may not work well in the culture you are in.
Either way, you are in a position where your mom has been indoctrinated by her religion into false beliefs and propaganda, and it is usually not easy to change someone’s mind on those kinds of things. You can certainly try to provide a different perspective, but she is likely to trust the church and her brainwashed perspective and will interpret your perspective as the deluded one. If she is really open minded enough, you could try to spend time with more trans and gay folks and have her get to know some of them and spend time with them in gay spaces, etc.
Sometimes the bigotry doesn’t survive exposure to normal people who are gay or trans, but ultimately she has to be willing to let go of those brainwashed Christian perspectives and be open to a different reality. Even if she does that, it can put her in a really challenging position with regards to her community. If she accepts trans and gay people it can lead to tensions with her church community, who may think she is doing something wrong. There are many things reinforcing her commitments to her bigotry, and you should prepare yourself for the possibility that those things might be stronger than her bonds with you (as disturbing as that is).
To that end, my practical advice:
Seek financial independence, no matter whether your mother accepts you or not, you need to be able to survive without her support since there is a possibility now that she will try to intercede in your transition and threaten your survival.
I don’t know how HRT and transition will be for you, but for me it is a medical concern. Before HRT at least since puberty I have had clinically significant depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts that I didn’t realize were not normal to experience, and which all went away once I was injecting sufficient amounts of estrogen.
When there are lapses in my HRT, the depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts come back strongly and they significantly interfere with my ability to function in my daily life. For me, HRT is essential medicine, no different than thyroid medication or insulin for patients dealing with those endocrine conditions.
It may or may not help for you to see your own transition in a similar way. The unfortunate situation is that society is hostile to trans people, and that means you will need to do more to protect your needs than you should ideally have to. No one with diabetes has to work this hard to convince their parents they need insulin, or that their diabetes is a real condition.
I should also say: being trans is not always a medical condition, and HRT doesn’t work the same for all people (some trans folks never take HRT, others who take HRT find it makes things worse for them - being trans is not a 100% guarantee that HRT is right, even if it is helpful in many cases). My point in raising the medical lens is not to gatekeep or imply being trans is always medical - my point is that transitioning is important (even for those trans people without medical transition) and worth protecting.
It just happened that my mental health significantly improved with HRT and some other trans people experience the same, and by coincidence this helped me mentally justify and survive in an anti-trans place because for me HRT is a medical necessity.
My encouragement is that you take care of yourself, prioritize your needs, and be prepared to put your needs first. To that end, you need the means to be able to do that. Save money that no one knows you are saving, and save it where no one can take it from you. Be prepared and have plans for how to meet your needs. Connect with the local gay community and find people who can help you.
I wish you luck. Ideally your mom will put her daughter first, but at least be prepared for a variety of outcomes. Sometimes it takes parents years to come-around, and don’t despair if the relationship falls apart for a while. She may change in the future, she may realize she was wrong or at least see that her relationship with you matters, at least enough to compromise a little on her religious / cultural views.
I’m from Balkans, it’s not very LGBT friendly place.
Good to know, thank you.
I think this only makes me feel more confident that a good path forward is to protect yourself as much as possible. Be careful about who knows about your transition, and prepare to take care of your needs if necessary.
If possible, making arrangements to leave and move to a safer place may be necessary, but that will also take a lot of time and can be difficult to do, so it might be better to focus on the short-term needs first.
It is hard to balance all the needs and to know what requires preparation and action and what doesn’t. Lots of trans folks are in a position like you are, which is why I suggest connecting with local trans and gay communities.