I was thinking of making a community engagement post last week in the run up to the Easter weekend and transgender day of visibility, but it got lost under a recent promotion at work and a few busy days.
So yeah how was your Easter weekend / TDoV? 😊 Most of my family is on vacation so I just had a quiet weekend at home with my partner. All the drama that went down with TDoV landing on Easter Sunday was… unsettling to say the least. I hope everyone was able to weather that storm of hate and propaganda safely.
Okay, the Taco Bell was quite nice. Last one I got food from (an Oklahoman one!) was realbad. … Then I decided to trek around Target. Was pretty comfy for a bit but then it got busy and I got stressed. Bleh! Then I missed a bus. I blame Google. Also I should maybe not have taken a jacket. Lots of walking (including on and across roads, eep!) and heatness and drank a bottle of water but I’m still dried out and bleeeeeh! Now all is stress and frustration and ugh. Some stress involving the critters to talk to about progress toward ‘supporting myself’ or whatever. Also never gonna understand why people think their horrific experiences will make me feel better and not worse :-\ I feel like I don’t fit anything people think I am, in fact I keep feeling like at least some people understand me backwards. Weird and frustrating. Maybe it’s my fault for being an alien 🤷
It can be hard being an alien, but learning how to interface with people and navigating the bizarre world can be a rewarding (if at times exhausting) endeavor. I wouldn’t place disconnect in terms of blame, though it is easy to do so - better to think of it neutrally, as information to help orient yourself.
I find when I blame myself and get caught up in being wrong I have a harder time staying emotionally aware and doing the right things, so even if just for pragmatic reasons it is good to be easy on yourself.
It’s more important to be going the right direction and to persist, to have an element of quick recovery and trying again, than to punish yourself for failures. It’s even less useful when the failures are caused in part or by whole by the conditions you are in rather than the way you are; for example, if you were on-time according to a schedule but the bus didn’t follow the schedule, it’s good to know that you might have to come earlier than the schedule says to eliminate that possibility of missing the bus, but it is also reasonable for you to follow the schedule and it’s not entirely on you that you missed the bus.
Either way, sounds like you are on the right track and doing a great job considering your circumstances, and that’s the best anyone can do. Exploring the city and riding the bus to get more familiar is really smart, it’s much better to miss the bus and learn the lesson under these circumstances than when the consequences might be worse (like if missing the bus made you miss a job interview, or something like that).
So, well done, you’re doing great!
I don’t really mean “my fault” like I’m sorry for what I am, just that I’m out of place here and not fitting into this ridiculous world of hunams (apparently I’m Spathi now so I call them that 😅 ) smoothly, easily. I like to think that I’m not sorry in the least for anything about myself that isn’t a wrong choice I’ve made, and kinda pride myself on that. No one should be sorry for existing but anyone who causes avoidable harm should seek to change. It’s a pretty simple rule that I think serves well as a kind of root, most basic kind of thing for living life: if you’re hurting someone, stop. If you’re not, then do you.
As for the bus thing, yeah, that’s the idea :3 Partly struggling with my anxiety problems but also just learning how to get around and having a chance to directly see and experience some of the city. Getting some idea of how to get around, how to get to and from places, how to use apps (mostly Google Maps <.<) to guide myself, figure out when and where and how I’m gonna have to wait for buses, how to orient myself and pick and board the right bus (as opposed to the left one, which has the same number but a different letter and goes the other way)… Making the mistakes on the way to/from Taco Bell was most definitely part of the point nodnod I really do not want to have to figure out all’ the basics en route to something important because even little oopses can totally ruin me. Anxiety’s still hellish, though :-\
Thankies!