How have you successfully gotten over a breakup? I did not end the relationship and it was the most significant of my life. I feel confused and trying to understand why. I’m not sleeping well and my anxiety has decided to resurface. I’m ruminating. I don’t have many people to go to about this. Please don’t say I will find someone else, because I can’t go there right now. And I know it won’t happen anyway.
Trying to understand why will cause you even more pain. My advice: treat it as a funeral/loss of a loved one. The time has simply come. Do your mourning and move on. Dwelling on it will only cause my pain and reopen old wounds.
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I’m in my 40s. Bad art sounds like fun!
It’s a lot like a funeral really. You will want to shoot them a text, or tag them on social media, and you can’t or just get sad when you do. And if it’s someone you really, truly cared for, it will take a long while. And that’s okay. I seriously lost who I thought was the one I was supposed to be with, did a couple short realtionships and some one night stands (all optional) and then met my wife three years after that big break up. But you just keep keeping on
It really is like a funeral.
No one ever really gave me advice, but your friends can help and also just do stuff. Get out of the house, go watch movies, or anything really. Things that help pass time, will help, or at least it did me.
Grieve. Be kind to yourself, be kind to them. Allow yourself to feel without resisting the feelings. But don’t chase them either.
There isn’t a right way to feel for most of this.
Part of grieving is reflection (usually). Remembering good times, bad times and wish-they-were-different times. Find a way to be with those moments and accept them as they are: moments. They aren’t lost, just future ones will be different.
And that’s okay. Or it will be. And you’ll be okay, too.
I ruminate too. I tell myself it helps me learn, helps me grow, helps me remember not to “x”. It rarely helps. It’s just a conditioned response that makes me feel more control while i actually lose some.
What truly helps is healing. Learning that sometimes compatability isn’t a you tho Ing or a them thing. But it’s still a thing and somebody called the spade a spade.
If you weren’t up to your standards, then rise. Otherwise, coat yourself in patience. Listen to YouTube videos like Tara Brach. Be honest with yourself as you heal. We all have barbs, we all have scars.
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Breakups can be pretty hard to cope with depending on how it ended.
The best advice I can think of is trying to think of it as an era of your life is now over. Those events from that era still have significance to you and will likely for a long time. And the best thing to do is not to dwell on them but look to the future.
What will this new era bring? Will you pick up those hobbies you’ve been thinking about but didn’t have the spare time for? Will you find new adventures in hobbies you already have? Will you focus on self improvement?
The best thing you can do is to let go.
They’re gone, they chose to move on. And now you will have to as well.
Yes they were incredibly significant to you, and for a time you were to them too. But just like eras in history those eras end and a new era begins.
Don’t dwell on the past and what could have been, you will only find pain there.
Look to the future for what could be.
And reach out to your friends/family and talk to them. It will be hard but open up to them about it. And if your family is just as supportive as mine, just your friends.
Here’s a brief(ish) personal story of how my most significant relationship ended.
Trigger warning: death and substance abuse.
A long time ago I was in a long-term committed relationship with 2 people (a man and a woman) I loved more than anything. Life was good for a time and improving. We had long-term goals for the relationship and our futures together.
Then some stuff went wrong that waa outside of our control, we could still achieve our goals but they would have been harder. We didn’t know how to handle it well. But we tried to stay on target.
Then more things went wrong that put us on a 30 day clock to sort out housing situation faster than we had hoped by a long shot.
We had nobody we could lean on for help, our only choice was to try our damnedest to make it happen.
We were running up to our deadline, stress was at an all time high.
We were working as many hours as we could trying to get the cash together faster then we thought possible.
She lost her job.
Then she died.
And a few days later he died due to drinking and driving.
Everything fell apart.
The era was over. And a new era had begun.
I handled it the worst way possible, I fell back into substance abuse.
And it took me 6 years to kick it.
Don’t do what I did, don’t lean into substance abuse (alcohol/drugs) they will only make the hurt worse.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I do need to be cognizant of unhealthy coping. You handled it the best way you knew how to at the time. I’m happy you finally got out of that.
I’m sorry this happened. It fucking sucks.
Let me try to help.
Your world was shattered and you need a new baseline. One of the (many, many) painful elements of transitioning relationships is loss of routine. It feels like shit because when you hit that old routine, you give yourself a dose of pain as you’re reminded of your reality. Recognize that right now, your previous life is gone and routines need updated.
How do you think about things? I’m a visual, hands on, person. If it were me, I’d grab my digital notebook and start planning.
I need to plan the big beats of the day, and then let the other variables guide me.
I’d break it into three sections: My morning routine, afternoon, and evening.
How are important things like meals and work tackled? Don’t just think about these things, live them! Mentally think about work on Monday. Did your ex give you a ride? You need a new routine. Did they pack your lunch? You need a new routine. Did they cook dinner? Etc.
Finally, how do these routines change for the weekend? 3 more paths.
Good luck. This isn’t easy and it feels like shit. I hope anything I said is helpful.
DM me directly if you have and specific questions or want to share personal details that aren’t appropriate in a forum setting.
If I can help you I will. You’re not alone.
Breakups suck, and there’s no shortcut to getting through them.
Time will help you heal. You will go through the morning cycle - look it up, if you need a refresher - and the end of the cycle is “acceptance”. Look forward to it!
It takes time, your favorite music, whiskey, friends, food, pot, exercise, tobacco, sunshine, sports, chili cheese fries, boat rides or whatever you like. Just do you for a while!
Edit: Do everything in moderation
With the caveat that many of these things should be done in moderation. Abusing drugs and alcohol will make things worse.
That is simply your opinion
I would not recommend addictive and harmful habits like smoking tobacco/pot and drinking as a coping mechanism, it can go real bad and can make it harder to get out of that hole again.
With the caveat that many of these things should be done in moderation. Abusing drugs and alcohol will make things worse.
The best thing about breaking up with someone is that you’ll get to fall in love again.
Obviously don’t rush that or seek it out, but it will happen at some point.
I always think that breaking up from a decently long relationship is like losing a part of yourself - take your time and make yourself whole before trying to fill that void with the “easy fix” of starting a relationship with someone else.
How do you do that? It just takes time. Do things you love doing. Spend time with people who bring joy to your life. Embrace life! Say yes to new experiences. Be brave.
And then - probably when you least expect it - you’ll meet someone who makes you realise that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened to you.
Thanks, I think taking the time to make myself whole is spot on.
I have. But it took literal years, I think about 3 or 4 years to completely get over it.
For sure, same here. Maybe longer. Looking back it was for the best that things ended, but boy did it suck at the time.
That’s a very long time.
It can be. But also don’t be hard on yourself if it does take a while. It’s okay if it does. It’s also not as intense for as long.
Maybe a therapist would be helpful as somebody you can vent to and help you through it.
Thanks, I have an appointment next month. It’s tough in the interim.
Glad to hear! Hopefully you find it helpful (if not find someone else).
But you come out the other end a stronger person than you were before.
I think so too.
I’ve had past experiences with this type of stuff. It gets easier over time, with time being key.
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Cherish the richness of the experience. Don’t try to get over it. Hold every little detail tightly in your heart. The pain, the love, the loss, the ecstasy. All of it. Soon enough we’ll all be nothing at all.
It only hurts because it was worth it. Don’t let yourself forget a single thing.(and the tighter you hold on, the faster the sharp edges will wear away because nothing at all is ever even slightly fair.)
You are right, it was worth it!
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Someone broke things off with me and it still hurts, even if it has been a while. The first month was the hardest, then it gets easier bit by bit. What helped me was keeping busy with work, I had a lot going on to keep me distracted. I tried to do things that I didn’t do before, or that I wanted to try and never got the chance to do, or stopped doing when I got in the relationship. I found it important to try to enjoy my solitude, but that takes time. Go places, even if it’s very near you. I delved into my hobbies to keep my mind off of it. If you can, try to process things bit by bit, just don’t try to escape your feelings in the long run, that fucked me over(It’s been a while since I avoided processing my former relationship so yea).
Yeah, we can’t escape feelings forever. I guess it’s just tough to understand why I have to go through so many difficulties in life.
Again, I’m sorry you have to deal with a lot right now, I wish I could help you. I forgot to add in my original comment to do “the list”. Add to it little by little over time some aspects that stuck with you from the former relationship(if it is not too painful). This is a tool to use for self reflection and to not idealise the former partner(s), it’s useful when I think about reaching out.
For me it’s easier in a way, the relationship that ended sucked, but my mind often recalls what I wanted it to be instead of what it was. Recalling and seeing what went down is crucial for me, because it lets me know how I acted in certain situations and allows me to take responsibility for my actions(and if I don’t like them, to see their root and try to look at it with compassion and patience instead of shame and frustration-still a work in progress for me right now).
While looking forward is scary, there is always something waiting. I thought I would never be worthy of peace or acceotance after I ended a previous relationship, and then the last one happened, which was good when it started. Give yourself time and care, to grieve and recharge. Breakups are exhausting. (Sorry for the long post) I’m rooting for you, and please don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you can, I’m looking forward to an update.
It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I can say time will help. And that is very true, but it doesn’t help you in this moment. But it’s something to think about.
Meditation helps. I was in such a bad place after a breakup. I had a constant feeling of panic and depression. I started to meditate. Guided meditations from online. I would seriously meditate for 1.5 or 2 hours every day, sometimes twice. It helped a little and it used up the time I would normally spend feeling miserable.
My attitude was to find ways to occupy my time so I couldn’t use that time letting my mind spin. I started saying “yes” anyone asked me to do something that would use up my time. I made some friends because of that, too.
Good luck, feeling for you.
