So, I’m baby trans. I’m exploring, at what feels like a glacial pace, but feel the urge to do something more. More, different clothes, idk. **But ** I think I have this fear of looking ridiculous with something and just hating myself and getting depressed, so I just don’t.
I was thinking I was “afraid of feeling dysphoric”, but today I started wondering, it’s that fear actually the dysphoria?
Bonus thought; the wanting to explore, but not knowing what to do, feels a little bit like when you have an itch on your back and try to get someone to help but they more of chase it around until you just give up. It’s like that. My gender is itchy and I can’t figure out how to scratch it 🤣
a true poet <3
this wasnt meant sarcastic or anything. just now i was thinking about what radical eagle said and eventually the thought came “i dont want to be a woman.” then i corrected the thought to “i dont want to be a man” but then i thought about why i wouldnt want to be a woman and well, not in this world… but i wouldnt want to keep trying to keep the act up to be a man… probably helped that i was in a bit of a theater thingie as a child…
i have this habit of dwelling on how if my childhood had been different or something, i could have gotten something to prevent my voice from changing… i was in a choir as a child, sang in sopran … sure, later i stayed there with my bass voice and still had fun… but my vocal range has always felt heavily stunted in the upper region without resorting to falsetto… which is cool and all but like… i used to be able to get there without getting all nasaly about it… sure, i was tiny and so was my throat and stuff, but … i had a lot of fun with that organ… not so much with the dlc that dropped suddenly. and getting into anything remotely well as into singing was HARD and discouraging and i was an awful child… well, my parents were awful parents that were parented themself horribly, so there is that and it probably has been going on for at least ww1 but fuck if i knew and i dont even want to :)
anyway, cheers!