I guess most of us deal with this at some point:
The thought occurred to me, I want to take self-defense classes. So I’m thinking, well those may be segregated by gender, so I’ll just join the men’s group to avoid making a scene, stirring up tensions. Even though my body, mannerisms, clothing, is indicative of a woman. I don’t pass all the time, but I’m getting much closer.
But I was willing to be casually misgendered, to be othered, to accept less than what I’m fighting for every day (recognition, equality), so other people wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
How is that OK?
I feel like it’s a common issue for all minorities. Stay out of the way, try to fit in, deny your identity, settle for less. You’ll be safe, you’ll survive. For what?
Is this the reality I’m risking everything for?
When I vacationed with my partner, I deliberately chose porta-potties and unisex bathrooms. Nobody told me too, I wasn’t forced. But what if a “Karen” blew up at me and caused a scene in the women’s bathroom? It could ruin my whole day, it could put me in danger…
When do I stop settling for less than my true identity, when do I stop giving in to internalized transphobia?
When do we stop deferring to the hypothetical concerns of other people, and assert our own rights and concerns?
It’s funny because transphobes like to portray us all as radical activists who enjoy making scenes and partake in unhinged rants over pronouns or some shit.
Yet every trans person I have ever met is gentle, often frightened as hell, and goes out of their way to avoid triggering the phobes or causing a scene – even at the expense of intense dysphoria, self-misgendering, accepting discrimination
Mostly? We want to be invisible, ignored, free to live in peace.
I don’t want to be the trans woman among men, or the trans woman among women. I simply want to be a woman. Not othered, not segregated, not pitied, not patronized, not accommodated.
I can’t control what other people think, but I can control my own thoughts and actions. Maybe we can’t achieve equality until we think and act like equals, and refuse to accept anything less.
Ha you found it. I considered rephrasing that, but was lazy and left it as-is.
What I meant was I want to be seen as a woman in other people’s eyes. The same way they see a cis woman.
But yes, it is a significant difference to talk about gender in terms of becoming or desiring vs what we already are. Here is my current relationship with these terms:
It’s complicated. Part of me is the activist, proud and defiant, waving a flag and yelling “trans rights!” The other part would opt for peaceful assimilation into cisgender society, if that were ever truly possible.