I’m by no means an expert on porn addiction, or what being addicted or obsessed about one particular subgenre of it could make you feel. However, I can say that I think we can identify different feelings in what you’re saying that might not be as correlated as you think they are. It’s very common for trans feminine people to have gender experiences connected with sexuality and fantasy. It’s one of the few times in society where a small modicum of vulnerability is permissible to exist for us, and it allows us to connect with an aspect of society’s conventional feminine in a way that is detached from repression and social consequences (assuming that no one else knows).

What I mean to say is that a lot of trans feminine people discover aspects of their gender through sexual experiences. I did, and I am absolutely a woman, and the fact that in my own sexual fantasies pre transition I preferred to fantasize about being one makes me no less of a woman. Most women don’t have sexual fantasies about being men, cisgender or transgender. I also used to feel so gross and ashamed after and would swear to myself I’d do everything I could to be the most masculine boy I could be and to conform neatly to societies expectations of me. I’d pretend it wasn’t real and shove it all back down into the part of my subconscious I tried to ignore. I could never see myself growing up to be a man. But I tried to, when clarity hit or however you’d prefer to call it.

When I said that there are different feelings at play, I mean that your sexuality and your gender are all mixed up in how you’re describing your feelings. Your sexual preferences may or may not involve men, men aren’t the only ones with dicks though and much of what you described seems to revolve around that anatomy in particular. So it’s hard to say exactly. Would you date a man? Is it purely the fantasy of someone else responding to you as a woman? Something to think about for sure. Sapphic trans women exist though so like. There’s not really a correlation between attraction to men and being a trans feminine person.

Your feelings describing relating to women, wanting to experience friendship between women, traditionally feminine and girly experiences - are all things a lot of transfeminine people feel pre transition. Those thoughts and feelings are tangled up in your sexuality though and its worth it to seperate them. Think about them when youre not engaging in fantasy. Try things that you want to try, explore parts of yourself thar you want to explore. It’s not like these thoughts alone say that you’re trans or that you should transition, but you can live that reality you can be that person if you want to. Consider simply that it might not be a fetish. That it could be something worth exploring. Do something simple, innocuous, like painting your nails or ordering a skirt online to try wearing yourself. Spend time trying things you’ve always wanted to, letting go of shame you may feel about them. I think the answers you’re looking for are there for you to find.