It’s something I’m really struggling with, thanks to it it feels like I’m obsessed with the idea of ‘passing’, like whenever I see other trans women who don’t pass it gives me a little burst of dread, thinking that it’s impossible to pass and I’d never be able to. That horrible fear of looking “like a man in a dress” like there’s actually a problem with that outside of the societal expectation I’ve had slotted into my brain.
I know that you don’t have to pass to be trans, and that all trans women are equally valid, and that what I really need to do is to let go of the idea of passing altogether, and just be happy being who I am on the inside.
I was just wondering if any of you girls have been through something similar, and if you had any advice. Xx
As a someone who does pass, these moments fill me with guilt and a degree of imposter syndrome as I wonder why I got to be lucky when I am no more valid than anyone else. And then that’s more guilt as I then become self-conscious of something that I know so many people strive and yearn for. But these moments also prompt memories of my early days when I was absolutely not passing, and how fragile, scared and humiliated I felt.
Letting go of passing as a concept entirely is probably unrealistic for most of us, but when you have these moments of dread it’s healthier to recognize your common fears, struggles and vulnerability. Don’t let dread win, because you only ever notice 100% of the people you do notice. Some of us eventually live in stealth, and then have internalized intrusive thoughts from that as well.
In a sense I guess I’m saying the grass is always greener, so it’s better to learn comradery with those that feel the same as you do, as opposed to using them as a yard stick for yourself. It’s not something that will just click and fade away, but a consenious choice to be the kindness we all want to see in the world.
I spent a lot of time and money striving towards passing. And then I got there, and I found that it cost me something I really value. My queerness is largely invisible at work. Random trans folk I see look right past me. Visibility is important to be (though I didn’t realise that at the time) and I lost a lot of my ability to be easily visible
I had this happen with a whole group of trans women staying at the motel I used to work at. I passed to them to the point that there was no “oh hey!” moment, no Charlie Kelly meerkat eyes. It was a strange experience, at once sad and satisfied?
Now I work at a dispensary and smoke or vape weed every day. For better or worse, I’ll never voice pass consistently in a world with legal weed. Which I guess is fine. I’m not especially fond of the “oh whoa” moment on the faces of straight men who have decided from a distance I was a hotgirl™ and they were gonna treat me a certain way, but I guess I’d rather disarm straight people than be invisible to young trans girls.