At the first college I went to, which I later dropped out of because it was austere, cruel, and awful, I went to a little high school tour day thing. They had a seminar for prospective students; one of the faculty talking had people coming up and asking him questions at the end, in a classroom. This was fairly informal, but it had this stuffy bullshit ‘prestigious,’ ‘serious’ academia vibe like, ‘ooh, this school is really tough, gonna be really miserable for you.’
And I asked the speaker at the end, like, ‘So what do computer science majors actually do day to day in classes? Like, what sort of projects do they work on?’ Completely earnestly, because I was curious because I thought it’d be a cool answer. And he literally said to me, ‘That’s really more of a lunchroom question,’ in the most pretentious tone I’ve ever heard in my life. good christ.
And I went to that school! And it was miserable! Honestly, I didn’t even fully understand or realize how utterly rude and pretentious this dude was being to me until recently. I thought I was asking a ‘silly’ question, but NO! NO, absolutely not, it is absolutely a valid question at a college tour day as a little high school kid. And this guy genuinely seemed so offended and put off that I’d dare ask him a silly question, like he was above answering. I genuinely did not have the brainpower at the time to process such an upjumped pretentious moron.
This post could be what does it. You’ve aired your grievances, and we all agree that guy was a total dick.
The Internet rules in your favor and you are hereby absolved of any liability to let him live rent free in your head.
Just think of it this way, that dude placed all his eggs in the academic basket and thinks of himself so highly, or has such an inferiority complex, that he patronized a child.
Let it be a lesson that humility goes much further than an inflated ego. He may have tenure but one day he may realize just how many people he let down instead of actually being helpful or useful with the knowledge he amassed.
He knows he is a disappointment. He just doesn’t want to be confronted with that knowledge to maintain the delusion.
I suspect his answer was dismissive because he didn’t know, and didn’t like being stumped.
Absolutely this. They don’t like being bested by anyone, especially if you’re younger or smarter or a different gender than they are.
I grew up with pretentiousness like this. Lot of upper middle class twits who wanted to be upper class. I used to get their goat with a kind of backhand kindness.
“You know about ABC?” Where ABC is a question about a topic he claims to be an expert in.
“If you don’t know how to ABC, you aren’t very educated.”
“Ah, I see you don’t know either.”
“I never SAID that! But I have neither the time nor patience to explain it to you.”
“Let me ask around, and we can find the answer together.”
“I KNOW the answer!!!”
“Not well enough to explain it, though. But that’s okay, we can learn that, too. Let’s ask this guy. Hey, my colleague and I were wondering if you could explain ABC…”
Oh my god, this makes their pompousness positively FUME with rage.
1000% this. He would rather be known as a prick than an idiot.
Technically, he’s both.
You’re not going to like it, but the way you get over and past something like this is forgiveness. You have to forgive the pretentious twat who had the temerity to speak to you that way; you forgive him because that’s how you eliminate his power over you. You forgive him because that’s how you pull out the hooks. You forgive him because the alternative is, what? Carry this around in you forever? Find him and beat the shit out of him?
Just forgive him. Ultimately, he didn’t have your gifts - the gift of grace, the gift of the expansive generosity of spirit that leads a person not to construe literally every social encounter as “which one of us is coming out on top? It better be me.” The gift of not reflexively being a shithead to people, maybe. Whatever. You almost pity him. Almost.
Forgiveness is how you get past it. People don’t like to hear it, but it is.
Gold medal answer
When you forgive, you set someone free. And that person is yourself.
as someone that struggles with mental health, i am always on the the lookout for new tools to add to my collection. this one, lomg pause, this one hit really hard and very deep.
ive heard the forgiveness strategy put many different ways. this is simple and to the point. thank you
I mean, yes, but they also need to forgive themself for not better understanding the situation and being better able to respond to it. We often blame ourselves for being vulnerable to the abuses of others.
Sure, if that’s what OP is grappling with. I didn’t read a lot of self-recrimination into their message, but if I was mistaken, then sure - the most important forgiveness is what you offer yourself.
You, a kid at the time, understood far more about learning than the pretentious gasbag did. Anyone who would stomp on a good question like that has no business working in education.
Long post sorry, I had something similar happen to me.
Everyone here is spot on in that this guy was an asshat. There are others saying you are giving this too much thought or weight and that you should be able to stop doing that at any given time.
That’s true, but not easy, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking how to stop thinking about it. The key to stop giving shit like this so much weight lies in figuring out why it bothers you so much, and don’t just answer “because he was rude”, instead look at what attitudes/ thoughts/beliefs you have that are making you feel bad about it.
Once when I was 18 I started working at a very prestigious place in a sort of apprenticeship trial thing. I was left completely unsupervised, not given any deadlines, not told how to do things, and although I did a really good job, I was too slow and the manager wasn’t happy about it. Instead of just saying to me that he needed someone working at a different pace and just tell me to find work elsewhere, he scolded me, gave me a really patronising speech about how maybe I wasn’t cut out for the job and that perhaps I should consider finding happiness through motherhood since I’m a woman. Not even kidding, he was that much of a piece of trash. And of course I was fired.
So that particular episode really haunted me for years until one day I realised I was working in that very same field, doing a really good job elsewhere, and that the only reason he was that rude was just cruelty, nothing wrong with me. It was something obvious to me from the very beginning, but it took my subconscious or whatever a good 6-8 years to fully believe what I already knew.
Now it’s your turn, you’ve done the first part which is becoming aware of it, what’s left is believing it. Good luck.
this is really good advice in general. i will be following it as well. thank you for sharing it.
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I would want to shit down the throat of anyone who said that to me immediately after I shared an upsetting memory that had bothered me for years.
You sound like a great person.
It just means that resolving that issue starts with yourself. Grow up, it’s a famous quote and isn’t meant to fix anything in the moment, just give a different perspective.
I’m not the other person, but it does have real “maybe it was god’s plan for your kid to die” energy. It can be helpful for people, but it can also shut people down. That’s not a bad thing, people benefit from having strong reactions to feeling insulted, as the OP shows. Sometimes it’s smarter to shield yourself from more insults than to accept feedback from any source.
“Maybe it was god’s plan for your kid to die energy”.
How does that have anything to do with your personal estimate of a situation? I watched both my parents die, why would hearing that quote make me think god wanted them to die? I didn’t change the estimate of those situations by pretending I was happy my parents were dead. I did it by thinking they lived a full life and they aren’t sad they are dead.
It says you have the power to change your estimate of the situation, it doesn’t say how, how fast or how difficult it should be.
Also are we not talking about a dismissive conversation someone had years ago? Where tf do dead kids come into this? Why are we shitting down people’s throat again?
I’m not trying to shit down your throat, but trying to use kinder words than the other person (I might have failed) to explain why it’s not an ideal comment to leave there.
I’m not saying it’s bad advice, but people generally have emotional responses to what others say. That’s why delicacy is important- if you say the right thing the wrong way it can make the other person less receptive to the idea as a whole.
Of course this is within their control and you’re not responsible for their emotional reactions, but it’s also a pretty consistent, predictable reaction, so being aware of it and accommodating it is a good idea if you want your words to sink in.
There is also the critique that stoicism makes you more easily exploited, if you come to it without assertiveness already well established. In the OP’s case, telling someone who has wrongfully beaten themselves up for years about an interaction where the other person was cruel to them for no reason, that they’re actually the one at fault, is unlikely to provoke a thorough consideration of stoicism. It’ll either lead to them dismissing you and your ideas, or it will lead to them continuing to beat themselves up.
Edit: the current top comment for me is a good example (imo) for how to express similar ideas without making people defensive.
Wow, can’t believe you wrote all that trash and think you know how to talk to people. Lmao. It’s just a quote kids.
I’m glad to see you’ve mastered your responses.
Maybe that perspective is unnecessary, unempathetic, and unrealistic. 🤷♂️
Not my fault you don’t understand what those words mean. If only there was an emoji for them.
They certainly don’t mean what you’re implying they mean.
That one person was clearly wrong, and OP can feel comfortable knowing everyone here confirns that. He has the power to change what that moment meant to him, and only he can do it. This is what others are telling him in this thread. How is that unnecessary, unempathetic or unrealistic?
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This is true but easier said than done.
Agreed. But he didn’t say anything about it being easy!
It wasn’t your brainpower that was lacking. That was a completely valid question, and his answer should have been “I don’t know, but I can put you in touch with a colleague in computer science who can help.”
As a teaching academic, I’m sorry you had that experience. We’re not all pretentious assholes.
ETA: I have a Scottish proverb hanging on a poster in my office: “Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.” Live a good life and be excellent to others; that’s the best revenge.
To me it seems clear this guy didn’t actually know the answer to your question and his ego was too large to just say “I’m so sorry I don’t have a great answer for that but I’ll introduce you to Professor Yada Yada who can better answer that”. I’ve had similar experiences within the medical community where a doctor’s ego prevented me from being able to find someone who understood and could genuinely treat a chronic condition I have while simultaneously making me feel like utter shit mentally. Realizing this person’s ego was too big for them to just admit that they don’t know the answer alleviated a lot of the self-imposed responsibility surrounding the situation.
Basically this guy is a narcissistic asshat who’s also an idiot (the worst possible combination of traits). Your question was genuinely a good and thoughtful question. The burden of this failed interaction is on him, not you.
You don’t forget it. You use it as a gauge of what nasty people are like and you progress the opposite direction. These interactions helped shape who you are. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Never stop asking questions.
There are a lot of shit people in this world. Try to minimize your interactions with them. Don’t waste your energy on them.
Forgiveness is how you move past things. Also time helps, but mostly you choose to move on and get over any real or imagined slight. Your anger and resentment only hurts yourself and those close to you.
Seriously, how long has this person been bothered by this? Years?
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Give it the weight it deserves. Some of the other replies here are on point and this interaction doesn’t deserve any negative head space, but bad examples of what not to do are really helpful. You have a chance to choose how to treat people… you bump into friends and strangers every single day. Use the bad examples from your life and the good ones to shape who you are. Aim at the version of yourself who would answer that same question with respect and kindness. Keeping negative things in your head but using them for something positive is the best use of that memory.
There’s three ways to diminish irritation:
- acceptance
- working through it
- putting it aside
If it’s still with you, and to the point it bothers you that much that you post here, any approach is a practice and requires repetition. It won’t disappear immediately. The goal is to transform your thought succession, your automatic responses and thoughts.
Working through it would be considering alternative views on the situation, affirming yourself in the situation, etc
Acceptance doesn’t have to be appreciation. Acceptance that it happened, that it went as it did, it is what it is. You are past it now.
Putting it aside, preferably in a good-willing way, is noticing the thought arises, and putting it aside - if necessary with thoughts or with a affirmation of “I have thought about this, enough, I have handled this, it was what it was, but is not relevant now”.
Acceptance is key. That was you then. This is you now, a different person. The fact that you can look back and feel shame proves your change and growth. Accept the past as necessary as part of your growth and realise literally everyone is in the same boat.
