First off, I’m fine, I’m in a good place, safe, etc. This is just kinda stream of consciousness, so sorry in advance.

I’ve lived my life a long time with a sense of fatalism that bordered suicidal, and I’ve lived a crazy life. Got kicked out young, was into crypto in the early 2010’s but didn’t have enough capital to do anything interesting, couch surfed, homeless shelters, all kinds of stuff. People would ask me if I had any regrets and I legitimately never did.

Now, I have lots of regrets…

I regret being stagnant basically since puberty, living like some Punk Rock Peter Pan, drinking every day for decades, doing nothing but playing video games and smoking weed and blasting myself into some other life any way I could. I existed like an astral projection of myself, too apathetic to brush my teeth or do anything productive with my body. Workout goals never resonated with me, so I never did that either.

I have the general regret I didn’t come out to myself sooner, but I find that wholly unproductive, so I don’t entertain it, but these other regrets, they are making the tapestry of the game plan to get myself back on track and i don’t have the luxury to ignore it.

I’m making great progress, counting my calorie intake, being active, practicing mindfulness, but the more I do and feel better about myself, the more that regret nags at me.

It Just kinda dawned on me while I was sitting here, I’m actually afraid to die now, made me think about what else had changed when I realized I regret so much now, and it didn’t make me who I was anymore than the trauma or anything else, and now I feel brain fucked.

I dunno what the call to action is here, any of y’all relate or have anything to say?

  • LadyAutumnMEnglish
    4·
    1 year ago

    I absolutely understand having regrets about how you’ve spent your life. I often wonder if how happy I am today is only because of all the years I wasted trying to find myself. My sense of identity used to fluctuate a lot and it took until just this last year to truly know who I am and truly feel like myself. The sense of wasted time sticks with me though, and I try my best to silence that voice when it rears its head.

    For me this is all wrapped up in my struggles with addiction and failing post secondary education too. Now that I’m sober, I’m transitioned and feel happy about my body for once, and want to go back to school I keep looking back and trying to forget out why I couldn’t just have been like this 10 years ago.

    But for what its worth being happy today was worth all the pain of getting here. I try my best to be excited about whats to come tomorrow instead of focusing too much on the past.