Right now, I’m a 2nd year student in university doing Computer Science.
In my later years of high school and first few years in university, my parents (especially my dad), have been very much forcing me to study and getting yelling at me over a single bad mark. While it did give me good marks, it made me so stressed out that one day I just decided that I couldn’t handle it anymore and resisted. At the time I also thought that if my parents kept on managing me like that, then I’ll never really learn how to be truly independent and take control of myself.
After that, they did leave me alone. However, the next semester after that, I failed a course - something which has never happened before. I told myself that it was just a hard course at the time.
This semester, I have lowered my course load from 5 courses to 3. However, I’m always missing or being late to my classes (either it’s because of bad time management, having to rely on the bus, or I just don’t bother to show up, or I just woke up too late because of my sleep problems) and have a lot of missing quizzes/assignments. I also have never managed to pay attention during lectures and get myself to study as much as I need to and do my assignments on time (and no, I’ve found that rewarding myself doesn’t really work). I just got my 1st midterm mark back and it was a 50%. I fear that this semester may go the same as the last one.
Over the last few semesters, because my dad has stopped forcing me to wake up at 7 AM, my sleep schedule has gone terrible. For example, yesterday I got to bed at 5 AM and get up at 2 PM and if I need to be at school by 11 AM, I get to bed only at around 2 - 3 AM and wake up at 9 - 10 AM and am usually late. Despite my efforts to force myself to go to bed earlier, I’ve failed. I believe the only thing that can make me go to bed and wake up on time is if either someone else was forcing me to or I had a completely unavoidable and super important reason to which I’d even be willing to sacrifice sleep for (and most days I just don’t feel like that). I’ve tried melatonin and setting an alarm clock far away from my bed and it didn’t really help.
I just feel like I really suck and am ashamed of what I’ve become. Any advice?
Theres a lot of symptoms of adhd and possibly depression (surprise, anxiety and depression are co-morbities to adhd). Your uni experience rings very familiar to mine. But most of the answers I would give you or anyone else here is based on our own guesses and maybe experiences. I would suggest talking to a professional about it. Because honestly, knowing what the issue is and bring aware of how to try to mitigate it might change your life the way it did mine.
I also went into computer science. It took me 7 years to graduate. Once I graduated I spent 10 years doing strictly IT stuff because I just thought I was too stupid or lazy and feared trying to program again as my main job. I went through cognitive behavioral therapy, I got diagnosed with adhd and depression/anxiety as well. Flash forward today, I’m a senior developer that never stops trying to learn things. Don’t give up even if it looks bleak. Strive to find what works for you. If you need any help or have questions you can DM me.
Its adhd, I had/have it didnt get diagnosed, you could force yourself to learn the hard way (I got disqualified and had to get reinstated took me z6 years instead of 4 for my Bs and I swapped to information systems, which I regret, I gaslighted myself into not liking programming when I just needed to start my work earlier) For me, a mix of getting older, and failing enough times, plus the disqualification, is what got me to goto class and do my work, I wouldn’t have done it otherwise, which is why getting diagnosed is necessary.
I used my sisters adderal sparingly the last two years and I mightve not got through without it, some days I would wake up just not caring about anything, super lazy, demotivated, etc. It was pure luck when id do well a semester because I just happened to not wake up feeling bad or oversleep a final that semester. And it’s not a choice, why would anyone choose to not do what they want to do when they have the time, just never have energy or have too much.
I mean you can say you fail to get to bed on time but the beds there. Set an alarm so you don’t have a bs I did not relize it was so late excuse. Set two. one to get ready for bed (brush teeth etc) and once to be in bed. then do it. have an alarm for waking up to. again maybe two. one for waking and one for you have to leave now. also do your assignments. you have to take agency and simply not allow yourself any games or media or anything else until assignments are done.
I’ve been pretty much exactly where you are now, but we’re not the same person. I’m drawing a lot from my own experience here, but I’m going to try to keep it as detached from myself as I can.
First thing, I want to really acknowledge here that you were right. You cannot become an independent person while you are being managed by other people. Unless they intended to do this for you your whole life, you were going to have this issue at some point. Usually it’s done earlier on, when the consequences for failure are less, but this is the situation now, and you will have to deal with it as it is. I think you were wise to set those boundaries with your parents, and I think what’s happening now are just the first growing pains, an adjustment period. It will get better after this, I promise. Do not let them take the reins back if you can help it, this is an important developmental milestone in your life.
There’s a possibility that there’s some mental health issues here, exactly what I’m not qualified to really diagnose. It sounds exactly like how I fell apart at University because I was independent for the first time, with undiagnosed ADHD. While that might be a possibility for you, I think that’s best something you should think on. It may help getting a diagnosis with whatever might be going on, but that’s something you can pursue if you feel the need.
Even if you don’t have that kind of mental health issue though, you might have a mental block of some kind due to your past or even current experiences. It might be worth talking to a councillor, or even to a trusted friend about what’s going on, it might help unbottle your feelings and help you realise what’s going on inside your head.
Beyond the clinical stuff though, make sure you are unwinding a little. If you’re constantly pushing yourself you might have these kinds of issues as well. You have needs, and you’ll need to figure out how to keep yourself and your body happy and healthy. It should be easier now you have more control, but there’ll be an adjustment period, like everything else.
The real meat of the issue sounds like the loss of structure and maybe purpose, because you’ve never been in a position to organise yourself before. That’s only natural. The first thing I would advise is maybe take a day to reassess what you truely want. If your parents have been in control all this time, you might not have had the opportunity to really decide for yourself what you want to do, and sometimes your brain will retaliate by self sabotaging, substance abuse, anything to take back control or help with the discomfort. Instead, really think about how sure you are you want to continue on this path. If not education, maybe try working for a bit, if you can. Focus on where the path will take you, focus on moving out eventually if you haven’t already, think about the life you want beyond this. How you achieve these things is entirely in your own hands. Having this sense of purpose will help everything else fall in place, so it’s important to maintain it.
If you’re 100% sure this is what you want, you’ll need to start building good habits for yourself. It sounds like sleep is a big issue, so focus on that. Figure out exactly what you need to be up for, set that alarm, and stick to it 100% of the time. It’ll suck, but then it will get better. If that’s not working, as it sounds like it might be, it could be down to some other issue. I have delayed phase sleep, I couldn’t maintain a normal sleep cycle despite decades of trying. If that’s the case, or something else, you might be able to work around it.
This goes for everything, but don’t try to just force yourself to act the same way everyone else is, because it’s not possible if you aren’t the same as everyone else. Instead, work with what you have, your own needs and limitations, and your body and brain will thank you for it.
Beyond the specifics you’ve described, you’ll likely come up against issues as you adjust to your new way of living. You’ll stumble, there will be minor failures, that’s okay. It sucks, but those failures are part of the learning. I know people that never put those boundaries with their parents, it’s not a good look in the long term.
I want to stress this, if you fail a bit, it’s not a sign you should stop. I stopped my degree because of issues like these, and it has not been helpful, though I have done well despite it, because working helped me get my brain together. I have a friend that took a decade to get a teaching degree, but now he’s teaching at one of the better schools in the state. Persistence does pay off, and it does get better.
I know it probably really sucks right now. You’re doing the right thing. Keep going.
Make an appointment with a mental health doc. In the mean time, start a journal of every time you go to sleep, every time you wake up, and every time you have any kind of incident like being late or not being able to focus + if you can identify any causes or contributing factors to those incidents.
Having that data on hand for your first appointment will be solid gold for your doc.
Our brains are a computer made of meat - the occasional glitch is expected, but that doesn’t mean you need to just suffer through it your entire life: seriously, make that appointment.
ADHD???
There’s no shame in disabilities, and no shame on getting things to help you, for instance people don’t realize that glasses are a disability ad product for people who have bad eyesight which yes is a disability that society has helped people with and not shamed. Having ADHD is not a evil or bad thing it’s part of who someone is, it’s getting aid to help yourself, like glasses to bad eyesight, medication is to adhd and there’s absolutely no shame in having such disability. See a therapist and others who can help. There’s no shame in seeing a eye doctor so why be ashamed of seeing a therapist? Just different disabilities with different care needed.
Always remember you are worth who you are regardless of eye sight or brain chemistry.
Before having internet sleuths diagnose you with ADHD, seek out the services of a mental health professional. Often universities have them on staff. You may have ADHD, or something else, but better to meet with a licenced professional than take advice on diagnosis from anyone else. I wish you the best in life and with your studies.
I am not a doctor, but have you looked into ADHD and whether it might apply? Getting on medicine for that made me realize how much I’d been slogging through knee-deep mud while everyone else was walking on a paved path. Best analogy I’ve heard is your brain is like a “Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes.”
I deducted the same from reading the title alone.
Op my message to you is this:
Are you sincere in your desire to function properly and be on time. Do you feel bad for not accomplishing this? (Even if burried under a pretends to no longer care) if so, you may very well benefit from professional help.
One of my breakthroughs was overhearing some other students and realizing that they did not care to drop some things, they where strategically choosing not to pay attention in some classes. I never had such luxury myself. I tried in earnest to do right and teachers giving me a “wakeup call” was a fruitless endeavor because i was already suffering.
I don’t know. I once thought I had ADHD, but my mom said she didn’t think so (and managed to convince me). Plus, I don’t really like the idea of having to take meds like that (and I’d rather fix my habits instead).
Again, I’m not a doctor. I’m not sure if your mom is. But IF ADHD is a factor, trying to simply “fix” yourself might be a bit like saying, “I’d rather not wear glasses and just work on my vision skills instead.” If relevant, the executive part of your brain would literally be functioning differently, it’s not that you’re lazy, a failure, etc. And taking medicine wouldn’t change who you are or lessen your worth any more than needing glasses would. You need what you need.
Lol, your mom isn’t a doctor, and doctors aren’t supposed to diagnose that sort of thing in family.
So what’s your plan to fix your habits then? “I’m just going to do better” is not a plan. Either way, you need to learn how you function and where your personal shortcomings are, and plan around them rather than planning to somehow magically charge through them.
If you have a broken arm, you don’t plan to do pushups.
Do you have an answer to why you’re skipping classes if you know it’s a problem and want to pass? Or is it just a vague “somethings changed”?
If you don’t think you can pass, drop the course and try again next semester. If you still can, and this is a matter of “I don’t know how to force myself out of bed on time, I don’t know why I keep choosing to skip” then you need to see a doctor about this. Maybe it isn’t ADHD, but it is something.
My mother thought she knew better because she was a teacher. She was wrong, I definitively have ADHD and being medicated contributes massively to my quality of life. ADHD is an executive function disorder. Knowing what I need to do but not being able to consistently get myself to do it. The meds don’t make me not me, they make me better able to stay on task and follow through with plans.
Look, I’m not a professional, but this sounds very much like a lot of peoples’ stories of discovering they have it. Sounds similar to mine as well. When you had people around you assisting in imposing structure, you shined. You probably didn’t have much trouble in school to speak of, and now suddenly you’ve hit a wall now that it’s all on you.
That could be normal struggles to adjust to college and the massive leap in personal responsibility, but what you’ve posted sounds quite a bit deeper than that. If you can, go talk to a professional.
Edit: Also, holy fucking shit. I know you probably don’t know any better, but saying this with my full fucking chest:
GETTING DIAGNOSED WITH ADHD AND GETTING MEDICATION TO TREAT THE SYMPTOMS IS NOT A CHOICE TO AVOID FIXING YOUR OWN HABITS AND OFFLOAD PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ONTO MEDICATION. IT IS CORRECTION OF A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN THE BRAIN THAT DISRUPTS EXECUTIVE FUNCTION. CORRECTING THAT IMBALANCE ENABLES A PERSON TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THE STEPS TO CORRECT THEIR HABITS.
Parents are usually not good at diagnosing health issues, especially when they tend to err on the side of “you’re fine, get over it” - you’re clearly not fine, so even if it’s somehow not ADHD, you need to talk to a doctor/therapist ASAP.
First thing, admitting that you have a problem is the hardest step to take, so you’re already doing better than when I was in college suffering from burnout. 15 years later and I’m finally wrapping up my degree.
I’d figure out the sleep problems first medically if it were me. That one’s going to fuck you over even after college. Talk to a doctor and make sure everything’s good there. If that’s an isolated issue, then you need to tackle the self-discipline issue. I’d see how you feel after the sleep issue is fixed as to whether you need more medical help or not. Everything else could be exacerbated by the lack of a consistent sleep schedule.
You’ll want to be open with your parents and in the meantime ask for their assistance keeping you straight. Turns out, you can’t independently manage your life right now, so apologize to them and ask for them to help you get out of bed and going in the morning while you get yourself back on track.
There is only one good answer for this: you need to seek professional help. What you describe is not typical. The behavior from your parents what you describe is abusive and aligns with many people’s experiences with disorders and disabilities. From your parent’s perspective, they are likely having their own struggles with being the parent of a child with a disorder or disability and being in complete ignorance and denial of that fact or how to deal with it.
