She acknowledged that I did talk to her about it beforehand, but hasn’t been able to properly process it yet.

We’re OK, I’m just venting.

  • Croquette@sh.itjust.works
    11·
    8 days ago

    I want to ask a genuine question and I am sorry in advance if it comes as rude, this is not my goal.

    When coming out to your partner (if you’ve done it or plan to do it), what were/are your expectations of your partner?

    I am asking because I absolutely love my GF (we’ve been together for 13 years and have kids), but sexuality is a big part of the relationship and if she told me she was trans, I could not be in a relationship with a man. I am simply not sexually attracted to men, and I am a monogamist, and that particular scenario would be a no go for me.

    I really want to iterate that I am genuinely interested in hearing your stories, good or bad, if you want to share.

    Thanks

    • OldEggNewTricksOP
      16·
      8 days ago

      No problem. I wondered about the same thing until it turned out I was the trans one :P

      There are lots of ways coming out could have gone horribly wrong, but I figured there were three “right” options.

      1. Wife isn’t interested in being married to a woman. Fair enough; result is an amicable split, presumably sharing child-raising responsibilities.
      2. Wife not attracted to women but wants to stay together. Continue to cohabit as some kind of non-sexual family unit, possibly seeing other people on the side.
      3. Wife realizes she’s bi / willing to make an exception. Lesbian partners!

      I guess I was prepared for 1, expecting 2, and hoping for 3. Currently at 2, but it could go either way.

      In any event, I think it’s unreasonable to expect someone who needs to transition to put it off for the sake of their partner, although not every trans person needs to transition.

      • Croquette@sh.itjust.works
        6·
        7 days ago

        Thank you for taking the time to respond.

        When i read stories like that, it feels like women are much more accepting that their husband/boyfriend is trans than the flip side. This is totally unsubstantiated though, so take it for what it is : an uneducated opinion.

        I absolutely agree with you that a trans person shouldn’t put it off for their partner, but it must feel scary as fuck to come to term with that and telling your partner. It’s a big leap and I have nothing but admiration for people being this honest with themselves.

        Kudos to you and I wish you the best.

        • OldEggNewTricksOP
          4·
          7 days ago

          Thanks!

          I suspect the difficulty some men may have with accepting a trans partner is due to internalized homophobia / toxic masculinity. It’s very easy to think “of course I’m not bi / trans / whatever” without ever actually considering the possibility (at least it was in my case). The same can apply to women, of course, but perhaps women culturally face a little less pressure in that respect at least?

          And you are exactly right: coming out, even just to myself at first, was scary as fuck. But worth it!