Every breakup I went through was because I wasn’t an attentive partner. I’ve been happily married for almost 10 years now, so I figured it out, but I was just young and not ready for a long term gig.
I broke up with my first girlfriend years ago because “there was no spark”. In truth I went on my senior cruise, reconnected with a childhood friend I hadn’t seen in years, developed a massive crush on her, and though I did not intend to pursue anything romantically with her as she was already dating someone else, I realized that I had never been attracted to my gf in the first place. I regret that I broke her heart and wish I would have had this realization to begin with, but that’s youth. I wanted more for my life, and I got it. She did too, and much faster. She ended up meeting her soulmate within a year of us breaking up and they have a beautiful daughter together.
What’s a senior cruise?
In Finland many high school seniors go to an overnight booze cruise some time before their final exams. It can get pretty wild.
That’s awesome!
In the US many students celebrate graduating high school by going on a “senior trip” with their classmates. My friends and I took a week long trip on a cruise liner through the Caribbean.
When we met, we were both pretty broken from past experiences. She had had a line of bad relationships and I had my own issues. She was creative, smart and very beautiful, way out of my league.
With her I was happy for the first time in my adult life and I loved her just as she was. We enjoyed the same things and our friends talked of us as a “perfect couple”. And for a time everything truly was pretty perfect.
Then one day she called me and said: “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”
After the initial shock I managed to say: “I love you and want you to be happy. If this makes you happy, so be it.”
And that was it. I was emotionally devastated.
I never saw her again. Nine months later a common friend told me she had a baby coming in the next month. Apparently she had switched me for a better candidate and gotten herself pregnant almost instantly.
Realizing this broke me even more. I guess our time together had fixed her to a point where she was ready to start a family, just not with me. According to my friend she got three kids with the same guy and is very happy with her life.
It took me years to recover from this and I don’t think that I’ll ever really get “over it”.
I’m not sure I’d call that fixed, for the record.
Three different relationships. They ended because…
- …neither of us was mature enough to actually do what was necessary to stay together.
- …for the exact same reason as her friends consistently distance themselves from her: she’s entitled, irrational, and selfish.
- …what she actually wanted wasn’t a long-term relationship, just some emotional comfort. But both of us got a bit too excited with the relationship, so it lasted more than it should.
#3 sounds interesting. What advice would you give to someone to figure out if they’re currently in a #3 situation or not?If you realise that the other person is just seeking emotional comfort, ask yourself “am I OK with this?”. If you are, it’s fine; if you aren’t, it’s better to break the relationship in a friendly way, and move on. Just don’t fool yourself by thinking that the relationship will last. (I wish that I did that. I didn’t. Living and learning, they say…)
Every breakup was totally predictable, and for a/multiple VERY good reasons. I don’t regret any relationship I’ve ever had. Some I learned some things that immediately made me a better person, others took me reflecting later on, to make me realize things that ultimately helped me improve as a person. Regardless I learned something from every relationship/partner. A lot of them were red flags to avoid, and traits I couldn’t be with, but I learned things
Mine wouldn’t quit drugs. I quit. He eventually died in his sleep from what I hear. I hadn’t talked to him in so long, by then. But he used to say he didn’t want to live past 40…
I know I made the right choice.
You did make the right choice for sure. I did the same with an alcoholic. He is still alive miraculously
This is the same with my last ex. I quit and left, invited him to come with me but he chose drugs. I don’t think he’s dead but I’ve had to block him on all channels, every come down he calls begging me to take him back saying he’ll change. I’m not sure he ever will because I don’t think he wants to change, drugs gives him something to feel awful about and that’s what he wants/feels he deserves.
Absolutely no regrets on my part even though I thought we were going to get married one day.
Most of the times it was because I would subconsciously emulate my fathers way of conflict resolution, which was subtle manipulation of the other persons emotions so that if I was sad, they’d be sad too. Not nice, not respectful, and not sustainable for any amount of longer term relation.
I smartened up with age and realizations that I was turning into my father and made sure that man’s spirit is dead forever. I’m married now 😙
I have an ex-wife. Incredible lady in many ways, but some definite incompatibility issues. But two things really stand out as problems:
1.) Nobody is as important as her dog
2.) She felt guilty and then angry if someone made her happy or caused her to feel pleasure, because religion.
And as a bonus:
3.) My distinct lack of patience at being treated like #3 after a spoiled dog and an invisible fantasy man in the sky.
I have no animosity toward this woman, she didn’t ruin my life or take anything from me. I loved her more than anything, but I was just someone she kept around to take care of the house and yard.
Communication issues.
I wasn’t open. Or they weren’t open.
And open doesn’t mean like sharing whatever is on your mind. Like telling her that her sister is like a tiny bit hotter. Open is like, “Hey Im upset today because of work and want to be alone for a few hours.”
Those who get it become excellent partners.
I think. I dunno. My wife and I have been together for 15 years now.
That’s me right now. Went through a breakup because, in hindsight, I wasn’t properly communicating my needs. We still get along very well which makes me think it could have worked out.
Incompatibility from the start, different values, different mindsets.
There was no reason to not break up. When in love drunkness all reasons are empty and when reality hits become oblivious to split up.
I got mad and threw them out after the millionth time they tried to gaslight me. Everything they wanted was important and had to happen ASAP. Everything I wanted was excuses trying to make me feel bad for them.
When someone is never willing to change their behavior to accommodate you and expect you to constantly, run. Just wish I’d realized the pattern sooner.
Another breakup, she broke up with me because she wasn’t as healed from the trauma from her last relationship as she thought.
I saw it coming. She was honest with me the whole time and I thought handled it as well as could be expected.
For me, the same thing that was the reason at the time, too: Over the years my partner realized she’s not into men at all actually, just into women. The into-men part was more learned behavior left over from her youth (we were together for 15 years, so it’s utterly normalized to be together and hence needs a lot of time to realize you just do it out of habit).
Ex-wife. I feel our lives went in different directions. We had a great bond when we were young and both struggling to make ends meet, but then we found good jobs and started saving up money. That’s when all the problems started. Turns out we had very different ideas of what we were going to do with our lives once we had the freedom to choose.
