I came out to my mom in may and until 2.5 weeks ago everything was fine. I had another session with my therapist and before that I told her how my feelings regarding my gender identity intensified and that I seriously started considering DIY HRT (not in that words because she doesn’t know what that means, but that was the point). After that she started to swing really hard in both directions when talking to me about my gender identity. She is doing her best to help me (it’s not very successful because she doesn’t understand what being trans means) but sometimes she tells me how people from LGBT community do really bad stuff. To be fair, in our country there were some situations where someone from from the community who would do something in public they really shouldn’t do, but that’s really small number of people. I told her that only some people are like that and most don’t do things like that but she just tells me that it’s actually opposite. Today she entered my room just to show me how some crossdressers “made fun” of the Last supper (she found it offensive because she is a Christian) and to tell me how bad it is and that that’s what I want to get into. Worst part is that I already told her the first time that I don’t want to participate in public LGBT events and that I just want to live my own life, but she continues to do stuff like this. To me it feels like she sees things like things and is scared that I will be part of that while ingoring what I already told her. And I don’t like the way she talks about that. I’d like to give her some resources so she could learn something about trans people but I couldn’t find anything good on my native language (she doesn’t know any other language). If I just told her that wouldn’t be enough. At this point I’m not sure is she truly accepting or not. What should I do?
I’d be really interested in what someone from the community would do in public that they shouldn’t do in your country? Is that just existing or celebrating pride in public? Or is it, like, streaking?
I think peoples advice here is already good, but you need to think long term next. Is it safe to transition around her? Will you be supported no matter what, or will she eventually kick you out if you live with her? I know this is hard to think about, but it’s really important to think about your own safety and plan for it. If you think she’d kick you out at some point, try to find a place where you’d be safe. Try to find some level of community in the local trans community there (even if you don’t think there isn’t one, there absolutely is), so you have somewhere to go, and someone to be around that supports you and who you are.
Based on what you’ve already said you also need to decide if you actually CAN convince her right now, or if she’ll have to see you advance in your transition to see the difference in you as a person in order to start to understand. You should also consider what your point of no return is. What could she do that makes you not feel safe anymore? And how much energy are you willing to invest in this before you set up a hard boundary?
She seems to be intensely Christian. It can be hard to convince them to accept you because they genuinely think your existence is a sin or that you can be queer but being in public and queer is a sin. They’ll also do what you were saying, point out what they view as “problems” in the community in order to try and “save” you. That can be immensely disheartening, and you should consider your future with her in your life or if it’d be better to get as much distance from her as you’re comfortable with. Because it usually takes a big shift in order for someone like that to change their beliefs, just having good points won’t really convince them.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed for being trans, and you need to consider whether her continuing to say those things you talked about could make you second guess or consider not transition because of her, not because of your own wants. Your happiness comes first, and if she’s a good mom, she should see you be happier and accept you.
I know all this is hard, having a parent who disrespects your existence is devastating. But that’s just the reality for a lot of us. Particularly at the start. It took my dad 4 years to even use my name. Talk to your therapist for coping mechanisms so you can make sure your mental health isn’t as deeply impacted as it can be when facing this situation. Make sure you can be somewhere safe during times when your emotions overwhelm you and remember, it’s okay to cry.
Again, you deserve to be yourself and be happy and be accepted by those around you. If your mom doesn’t accept you at the start, that might change, but it might not, and that’s okay, even if it’s hard. You can live a happy and awesome life without the support of your parents. Never feel like you are unlovable or like no one will ever love you, that’s fucking bullshit and you are deserving of love and will find someone who loves you for you, I guarantee it.