AVOID #1!!!
Better to be alone and free to think and explore than to be tethered to someone that holds you back from exploring life. Sex is a fucked up drug addiction without an opt out for most of us. I’ve made a lot of effed up decisions, but not marrying any of my 3 long terms was not one of them.
I don’t know about y’all, but I changed a whole lot every 5 years since 20. I feel more settled in my late 30’s Getting disabled at 29 shakes my perspective away from any kind of norm. I can’t imagine those changes meshing with anyone else and surviving this long.
As a guy nearing 60 I support your stance.
The choice is not these two women. The choice is how to live your own life.
I’m about 3 or 4 option #2s behind you but I agree. Glad to see older anons still with it.
I don’t necessarily disagree, and everyone is different, but you should consider that it’s not just you that changes. You change WITH your partner. You grow TOGETHER. I am absolutely different than I was 10 years ago, and so is she, but that doesn’t mean that we’re no longer compatible. Our growth contributed to each other’s growth.
I do think people should be maybe… less attached? You should regularly evaluate your relationship to see if it’s working. Shared interests aren’t even always necessary (as long as they at least show interest in what you like and vice versa). But that is very hard and many people would rather not be alone.
I don’t picture too many mates that can handle religious extremist conservative misogynist to atheist leftist open minded best intentions diversity ally. I could be wrong. Heck, in that span I’ve gained, dropped, and maintained more weight than anyone I’ve ever dated, going from ~250 to 350 to 187 and racing bicycles. I doubt I would have spent 3-4 hours a day on a bike while working 8-10 hours and racing on the weekend if I had married someone in my early 20’s. I’d probably still be in bad health. I’m not all that bright right now, but I was a whole lot dumber in the past and having someone around that reinforced my biases was certainly a factor in my growth and development. It is hard to say how things would be different. It gets super lonely at times, but my situation is not standard there.
I personally think that shared interests are far less important than shared values (as in equality, for example), and while it’s fun to have a partner who has shared interests I don’t necessarily think it’s a prerequisite. If you enjoy spending time with them and they’re a good person, that’s all that matters if you ask me.
Thank you. This comment resonates a lot with me, as despite it having been over a year I’m still struggling with coming to terms with having had to break up a 5 year-long relationship for my own good (it’s not that long in the grand scheme of things). The way I would describe it is that she was molding me into the person that I was expecting to become when the relationship started, which was totally different from the person I ended up evolving into. I am glad I did it, but I still struggle with the pain I caused her during the process.
I had back surgery last year at 29, and while I didn’t end up disabled, I’m seeing my life change in small ways because of it. It’s weird feeling so young but having to limit certain activities because you could become paraplegic if anything goes wrong.
I didn’t have anything to add to your comment, I’m just glad you posted it!
Easily #1, but that’s because they worded it as what her current interests are.
Just be interesting yourself, and put the work into finding out what about her interests are actually interesting. People find things interesting for a reason.
No one is actually boring, if you find someone boring it just means you dont understand them yet. Pay attention, listen, and try to see it through their eyes and maybe you’ll find their “boring” interests aren’t so boring after all, you just didnt “see” it fully yet to appreciate it.
And, typically, if you put the work into showing interest in whatever they are into, they’ll reciprocate.
Also, there’s infinite room for the two of you to both find new interests neither of you had before that now you both can share.
When my fiance and I started dating years ago, neither of us gave a shit about birds… but now that we live in a place with lots of cool random birds we can spot, and we go for walks everyday, we actually stop and go “holy shit what kind of bird is that, I dont recognize it” or “holy fuck are those pelicans? I didnt even know we got pelicans here!” etc etc.
The other day out of the blue when we were chilling at a nearby water reservoir watching a duck, a whole ass fuckin pelican came outta nowhere and swooped down, splashing into the water and sniped a random fish, then burst up with it in its mouth like… 2 feet in front of us. It was a pretty big “holy shit did that just happen?” moment.
If we hadn’t been sitting there just enjoying watching a duck, we never would’ve gotten to see that pelican.
So, you know, maybe there’s no such thing as “normie” interests, or a “boring” person. You might be the boring one if anything, because you can’t understand why people love something and get interested in it…
I think you might be underestimating the intensity of some people’s interests and how much of their being is defined by them, especially non-neurotypical people.
EDIT: Like, if you live in a van with solar panels on the roof you should probably find a partner that’s also cool living inside a van.
If you spend a significant stints at home wearing a fursuit, you should probably find a partner that enjoys or at least doesn’t mind living with what looks like an anthropomorphic furry creature.
If you regularly consume large doses of halcinogens to explore the limits of human consciousness you should probably find a partner that’s doesn’t mind hearing about how you saw an infinite blade made of time that slices the present moment into two parts: the past and the future.
I enjoyed reading your examples and wouldn’t mind reading a few more.
I mean it’s basically anything that massively affects your living situation or how you outwardly present / function as a person.
Want to live in a hole in the desert, or a cabin in the woods, or in a semi-legal squat? It would be pretty hard to maintain a relationship with a partner whose not also into living that way.
Want to convert the interior of your house to look like a Star Trek set? Better find someone that wants to live on the USS Enterprise.
Are you into extreme body modification? Better find someone whose alright with their partner surgically altering themselves to look like a Klingon.
There are also plenty of interests that are just risky or disruptive, like doing urban exploration, running a home chemistry lab, building tesla coils, etc. Tesla coils are just loud, urban exploration can get you arrested (though it’s unlikely anything of consequence will actually happen to you), and two of the amateur chemistry YouTube channels I watch have been raised by the police because the amount of glassware they bought set off an alarm (neither of them were charged with anything though). If you do any of those and your partner isn’t interested in them at all I can’t imagine that not being a pain point, considering that risk/disruption is also on top of you spending significant time / energy / cash on a hobby they have nothing to do with.
Finally, there are more benign hobbies like through hiking or immersive historical reenactment where, if your partner’s not coming with you, they’d have to be okay with you disappearing for weeks at a time and not being able to talk to them.
You saw the time knife
Reread the post.
“Doesn’t share an interest with you” isn’t the same as “actively dislikes your interests”
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Option #3:
Same as option #2, but replace BPD with autism, and less mental health issues once she figures out she doesn’t need to pretend to be normal.
You basically described my dream woman
We fetishizing autism now?
Missed that memo.
I dont think its weird to find autism attractive. Depending on who you ask, it might be called a disorder or just a normal trait. It’s the same way that any trait can be attractive.
If I’m autistic and want to find a romantic partner that I can connect with on that level, is that fetishizing?
Well, I didn’t find a real, good definition of ‘fetishizing’ but, if we agree on the one I’ll provide below, you should be able to answer for yourself in this and future cases.^1
Fetishization is the choice to extremely, positively overweight one or more intrinsic qualities of a person or group of people, such that there is a sexual or romantic preference of a person or group of people based on that innate trait, irrespective of their overall character as a person.
Autism is weird for this definition because, while it is an inherent facet of a person, it does have a large effect on how a person grows up. This obviously shapes their character.
As an experiment, take your hypothetical dream person. A second party is a necessity for mental grounding. If you can find another person to assist, have them swap out character traits (social, personal, mental, etc.) until you find a point you’d no longer find the hypothetical dream person appealing.
Anyway, hope you can do some self-study and find that answer.
^1 If you don’t agree, then we’re piss outta luck and I’m gonna leave.
Going with that definition, I don’t fetishize autistic women because my perception of a women’s sexiness is not affected by neurotype. It’s the relationship and connection that I would value with an autistic woman over others.
I don’t think that is fetishising. That’s preference, fetishising meand reducing someone/something to a sexual object
That’s just the more common usage. It doesn’t just apply to relationships or people, but also hobbies and professions.
Ever saw/read sousou no Frieren?
Yes?
Autism can be cute.
Of course it can: the whole Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope was code for autistic women, and it was a big thing like 15 years back.
You just described both of my partners
Those are good choices
Pfft, reject the entire thing. Be patient, find someone that’s compatible. It isn’t like you have to settle right now.
Just had my first child with option 2
God help me, that booty is worth it
Ended up with 1. 2 just isn’t worth it. Every time they went crazy
I’ll take my mentally stable wife scrolling Instagram stuff daily over my nutcase ex that I could game with.
100%. And it’s not like she won’t occasionally game anyway.
Both of these guys are going to remain single or, at best, in toxic relationships until they change their approach to both women and relationships.
Option #2 is sure to cause you trauma, trust issues in future relationships, and years of therapy.
Anyway, option #2.
I married #2
Thank you for your service: one less #2 out of the market to tempt us.
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Option 1 sounds like a boring hell and option 2 sounds like an active hell.
I would pick 2. At least there would be some good and fun moments between the really bad ones. And sharing interests is an important part for me.
Personally I think interests are vastly overrated. Relationships are not about whether you enjoy what you do together, but whether you enjoy doing it together. Part of the magic of a long-term relationship is developing those unexpected shared interests over time rather than going in from day one with the attitude of “I want to date myself”.
I was married for 13 years to a BPD witch. It was abusive, one time I spit my own blood in her face (proud of that). She liked to pick fights and hit me. Other than restraining her from hitting me and catching punches, I only got physical twice. Once with a coat hanger and once when I slapped her while I was holding a baby. Finally lost my religion and got out.
After some time, I started dating again. Using OkCupid when it was still good. Made two piles. One night stands and prospects.
All the crazy ones went into one night stands. It was fun.
Prospects were primarily sorted by intelligence, communication, kinkiness, career, having failed relationships and kids. First date was a lot like a job interview.
I hunted down the white buffalo. We just bought a play farm. She’s nasty in bed, makes great money, is an amazing cook, sweet as pie, smart as a whip, has a fat bottom and is easy on my eyes. She’s all around a better person than me.
Second time around I married up. I do my best to measure myself against making her happy.
We compare ourselves to mules. We’re both pulling, if one mule stumbles, the other pulls harder until we can both pull again.
We’ve had tense discussions. Never yelled except during danger and never in anger. It’s so easy it’s scary. Trust and love that are still growing.
I’m you but still on the dating apps. So glad I got out of my marriage to that insane excuse for a woman, but man is the current dating landscape an absolute shitshow.
I have no clue what the apps look like now. I do know that I waited and looked for the girl that would fit me.
If you’re a functional individual, getting laid is easy. Scratch the itch.
Be patient and search for the right mule to tie up against.
Happily ever after does happen. Just takes discipline. Maybe I got lucky. Didn’t know that love could be this easy.
Number 2 sounds like a good friend but not a good wife.
Nope. I married a bpd woman when I was young and she eventually turned on everyone in her life. Not saying people with bpd don’t deserve treatment and sympathy but interacting with someone with untreated bpd is exhausting, traumatic, and not worth it.
Yeah that doesn’t sound like a good wife to me
It’s a false dichotomy. Embrace polyamory.
Polyamory is what happens when too many type 2 people get together in one place though
I’ll have you know I don’t have BPD, just ADHD!
Yeah my polycule is all adhd no bpd (though one woman was misdiagnosed with it 20 some years ago). It’s great, nice and stable.
Big criteria overlap between BPD and Complex PTSD.
Fair, and both she and I do have cptsd. But she’s autistic and traumatized. Apparently the doctors thought she was lying as a teenager when she said her mom was dating a “crack whore”.
Did. I’d rather be heart crushingly disappointed by one person at a time instead.
I get that. I think there are higher highs and lower lows. I honestly can’t even begin to imagine what it’d be like dealing with two or more breakups at the same time.
It’s actually a spectrum
Man, I wish I could have avoided option 2.
I learned the hard way…
Anyway, I just found a girl that I like and we have so much in common!
Specifically 2 things!
She’s a bit much sometimes, but I can fix her.
