Hi, I’m gonna reintroduce myself, first. I went by VirulentAura, and have been kinda active this past week posting, if anyone actually cares. I decided to change it up, cuz I was tired of lemmy.world being down, and, I dunno, I wanted to use my name. Preface aside, please be advised that the content may be troubling to some. It’s kinda a vent, but I need to talk to someone. I need to get it off my chest.

She hates me. She says I’m trying to turn her into a lesbian, and she wants to leave me. Honestly, if she isn’t into boobs and vagina, and I want boobs and a vagina, that kinda makes a bit of an impasse, ya? But why does she hate me for it? I get she feels like I lied to her, but I’ve been lying to myself too! I’m throwing seventeen years away because of the “choices” I’ve made, but she is choosing to leave me?

My son, 16, asked me yesterday why she accepts them, and not me. I told her today, she needs to talk to them, that she can’t let her hatred for me stand in the way of our parenting, that they need to be the most important thing on her mind. I was met with an emphatic “leave me the fuck alone,” ad verbatim. I want her to succeed. She wants to take the truck and leave, and ask my conservative Christian mother to borrow a vehicle until I get one of my own.

She has been talking about wanting a camper, her own space, to pick up and go wherever she wants. I’ve offered to try to help, we bunk in different rooms until we get into a position where she can leave and live her best life, and am met with hearty “go fuck yourself.”

I feel like I need to open back up Facebook, to do damage control. I haven’t had a FB account in years, but I don’t know what hate she is spewing to her family, and I don’t want them to make my life miserable.

Part of me wishes I never ate from the tree of knowledge. You can’t unlearn this mindfuck. It was easier on my psyche to think I was an ugly guy, than a woman who looked like I was an ugly guy.

She said she would never find me attractive, even if I didn’t have bottom surgery, even before she decided to leave. I described a hypothetical situation in five years where I would try to initiate, would she be into that? She would consummate the marriage, but no. That’s not attractive.

The other day, before all this shit went down, I went to go get me some clothes, and the clothes I want to wear and my body are so mismatched, I couldn’t get anything 😭. I tried dying my hair blonde, but my genetics are so fucked up I can’t do anything with this super dark hair. I wanted to feel pretty after a shitty day of feeling like I was uninvited to my nephews party on the grounds I’m trans, and arguing with her about weather a penis makes a good spouse. I just wanted her to tell me I’m pretty. I have a pretty soul, apparently, but, no, she can’t find me physically attractive.

I’m not gonna be her hag.

I’m not gonna be in a relationship where I’m gonna dress down and try to be as pretty as possible for her, and can’t even get a “nice ass.” I’ve always tried to lift her up, through all her own body issues, after three kids, after her becoming so sedentary and gaining sixty pounds, after me being genuinely worried about talking about her health, because I didn’t want to hurt her, she can’t even lie to me and tell me I’m pretty. I can’t live in that.

I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Why doesn’t she want me to be happy?

  • @NoStressyJessie
    4•11 months ago

    Sounds like your mom struggled with some personal issues, as one day at a time is an old Alchoholics Anonymous saying. No shame in that, just saying, your mom probably gained some empathy from living a hard situation either firsthand or second hand.

    It’s been a hard truth for me to accept, and I’m sorry to pawn it off on you, I just felt that it may be helpful. I find myself overwhelmed frequently with things and have had to make it a mantra for myself to the point it feels useful enough to share? My feelings are still very confusing, so I’m sorry to be wishy-washy with you.

    I’m sorry you were forced to be outted, It’s happened to me for other identities, and it’s worked out so far for me, but it is still not okay, and shouldn’t be forced on anyone. I’m sorry that you feel the need to put out so many fires in such a tumultuous time for you.

    On to the silver lining side of things, it’s wonderful that your mother father has been so supportive (even if it feels like it could go farther)! I’m worried about how my mom will react about me. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I worry by the time she makes time to see me I’ll already be so far along that boy mode isn’t possible but girl mode is awkward.

    I’ve been very open with her so far as an adult, so I don’t expect too much push back, but my inner voice is BRUTAL and a part of the reason I was a homeless youth was because of my LGBTQ+ alignment going against her personal beliefs. The last time I saw her as a minor, she caught me with a more effeminate male and told me she couldn’t believe I would let that THING into her house.

    That’s really stuck with me.

    The last time I really talked to my dad it was about being bi, and he was devastated that I would ever take being a bottom, as compared to being a fierce top.

    I didn’t luck out, per se, but it could be quite a bit worse for me in the parents category.

    I don’t get her. Why does someone who said they loved me, wish me so much hate just because I want to be myself?

    It’s probably a nebulous issue like Rejection Sensitivity, DO NOT INVOLVE YOURSELF! Take the time to learn, do what you can for yourself, but don’t try to help her with her shit. She seems quite hurt, and you involving yourself further ‘for her benefit’ will do nothing but cause more pain, tension, resentment, etc. The only person you have ultimate culpability for is yourself (and to a lesser but almost equal degree your children).

    To add another AA colloquialism , I’ll finish my comment with the serenity prayer;

    God(s), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

    • @EsheLynnOP
      2•11 months ago

      Genuinely, I am so sorry your interactions with your parents make my mom seem supportive. She asked me why I couldn’t wait a couple of years to come out, so the kids could be out of the house, and, to reiterate, said I was selfish.

      My dad was the supportive one.

      I love the positivity you are wishing on me, and I agree. I’ve been known to make things worse with my overhelping. And she doesn’t want anything from me anyways. You’re right, I have to worry about my babies, I have to worry about myself. She’s a strong woman. She can figure herself out.

      • @NoStressyJessie
        1•11 months ago

        Genuinely, I am so sorry your interactions with your parents make my mom seem supportive. She asked me why I couldn’t wait a couple of years to come out, so the kids could be out of the house, and, to reiterate, said I was selfish.

        Eh, you caught me self inserting I guess. I’m sorry. I corrected my original comment.

        You’re right, I have to worry about my babies, I have to worry about myself. She’s a strong woman. She can figure herself out.

        Absolutely, would you want someone that you feel (wrongly or rightly) betrayed you to come fix things? I know I wouldn’t.

        There’s only a handful of things you can actually take any ownership for and action to fix, and it certainly isn’t your wife, or her feelings. That’s hard, it was hard for me for sure. A part of my CPTSD was trying to be the parent to my parents, and taking ownership of their feelings and emotions, and one of the most liberating things for me was realizing that it was never my responsibility in the first place.

        It may be just as liberating for you in this situation.