I married my first wife when she was 18 and I was 20. We went through a lot of hardship. It should not have worked out: we were both poor, from broken homes, in an LDR from different worlds. She was the popular girl, I was a shy and awkward nerd. When we got married, we had only been in one another’s presence for a few weeks total. I went into the marriage not expecting a path or plan, as my parents were toxic which ended with my mother’s suicide, and my mother in law had been married 4 times before she became single for the last time. None of us had healthy marriages to draw from. At our wedding, her relatives even said, “I give it two years, tops.” We were desperately poor, and struggled most of our marriage with health and money issues.
But we made it work for 25 years. We’d still be married, but she passed away ten years ago. We became “foxhole buddies,” us against the world.
This, all marriages are supposed to be this, us vs the world, while I get the argument you don’t know who you really want when you are 20, I’ve also seen cases like yours, as long as both people figure out us vs the world, I think the marriage will last. So when people say 25 and after it makes sense, I’ve also seen cases where people never understand in their life this us vs them mentality, and are never happy and I always wonder the question how much age plays a role in people understand what marriage is supposed to be?
Anyway thanks for your take my man, my condolences, I wish you all the best.
It goes up. Now I think people that get married before 40 are weird.
On serious note… It’s any age. You can tell when a couple is just trying to reproduce an image of “family” because they were told it’s the next thing to do in life. Working in retail id often see families you could tell just went through the motions and that everyone was disconnected from one another. It’s sad.
Imagine the following scenario: you meet someone in college, and when you graduate at 22 you don’t want to split up. They say sure, let’s live together, but we need to get engaged; if it doesn’t work out we can just break it off. After a year you realize your lives are much better together. You decide to get married but not to have kids until you’re 30. If it doesn’t work out you can divorce, but you sign a prenup and at least no kids would be involved.
If you both have clear and compatible career goals, that scenario saves you a lot of dating drama and gives you valuable support. I wouldn’t call someone in that scenario “weird.”
Yeah I’ve noticed at least a lot from my high-school group that dating for about 4 years is a good amount of time, me personally and a lot of close friends seemed to have hit their hardships in a relationship around that 4 year mark. Also moving is a good test about how you do in stress haha
Been married for 10 years now. There’s one thing I’ve found to be the ultimate relationship tester:
Furniture Assembly.
If you can survive assembling a few pieces of IKEA puzzles together it’s probably going to last XD
Our way of surviving furniture assembly is for him to Go Away And Let Me Do It, because I can follow directions and he just tries to slap things together without looking xD
I love my husband! Knowing when to just let the other person get on with shit is a pretty good litmus test, I agree, lol.
Maybe it’s bad luck, but half the time the instructions are physically impossible to follow on certain steps.
Better than teaching stick shift?
If anybody still knows what that is!
My wife and I have put many IKEA pieces together over the years, and she got her license at age 24 after I taught her to drive stick. We’ve been together 24 years, this coming Friday.
She leaves me to furniture assembly thankfully.
The ultimate relationship tester is: moving house
Either that or camping setup
I think the main point here is people around those ages aren’t fully capable of making those kinds of decisions in the first place.
There’s a reason why most marriages end in divorce after all.
Get married before you have a clue. Get a clue after being married a couple years. Get a divorce because you realize you had no idea what you were doing.
This is 100% a data-driven fact. It can’t apply to everyone, but it’s a really great average.
Those who wait until after 25 have a 25% chance of not getting divorced.
The way you phrased it is not quite what the study says.
They’re not “25% likely of not divorcing” (which would mean there’s a 75% chance of divorce).
They’re “25% less likely of divorcing”
What purpose does engagement and marriage serve there? “Must be this financially trapped to continue?”
I’m in my mid-50s. The generation older than me - my aunts and uncles - generally were in school until grade 8 and were out of the house and working by 16. My mother had her older sister as her teacher.
24 is not a child. You can vote drive, drive, drink, marry sign legal documents etc. And at least for women fertility begins to decline at 32. If you mean you will continue to grow as a person and develop new interests that hopefully never goes away. I went to grad school and was in academia for over a decade after my PhD. I have made two major shifts in my career since then. Old people still feel like they are in their twenties or early thirties mentally, we joke about it all the time. So congratulations, this is it.
at least for women fertility begins to decline at 32.
That’s a little bit of a yikes there, buddy.
Edit: and additional “yikes” for all of the people that don’t see the problem with assigning a value to women based on how fertile they may or may not be.
Edit 2: tHe QuAnTiTy Of EgGs! Because women only exist to get pregnant.
How can a fact be yikes? It’s only relevant if women want children, but if they do then the earlier the safer it is.
Why is that a yikes? More birth defects, complications, start running low on eggs. All of that is just facts…
They said nothing about the value of a woman being tied to fertility, that came out of mind…
As for the decline in fertility statement, that has been scientifically proven for decades and assumed for centuries. Women are born with a set amount of eggs, they typically go through at least one per ovulation cycle, they start reaching the end in their 30s and risks of birth defects start increasing in their 30s
So biological facts are now cringe?
The question was about marriage. There are two reasons that I see people get married. For young people it’s about starting a family. However you and I feel about it personally, legal structures that are in place just make it easier when you’re married. The other reason is for older people. Pensions and estate planning is easier for married couples. Again, I have opinions about it but it remains a plain fact.
I got married to share healthcare and other tax advantages and do not plan to have children. I’m under 30 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I envy you. My partner and I are DINKs. There has never been a tax break aimed at our demographic. lol.
I believe you are the one who is confused and making unwarranted assumptions here.
In fairness, when we had our first at 34 she was a year off being medically labelled a “geriatric mother”
You are the only one talking about tying women’s worth to anything
So, you agree with OP? There is not an argument against it here.
At what age are you supposed to know what you want for the rest of your life? You will never have an answer to that in any capacity, and not just in marriage. You evolve as a person, you’ll never have a fixed desire for your whole life. And that’s the great thing about marriage and relationships, they also evolve. And it’s about who you want to try doing that with
At what age are you supposed to know what you want for the rest of your life?
Maybe around the year that the brain finishes developing, which can vary from person to person but is typically around the mid 20s.
I see/hear about marriages started at 30+ 40+ 50+ all the time that fail. I see people pivot careers and industries in the middle years of their life. People tastes change all the time as they get older. Let’s not pretend that when your brain finishes developing you suddenly have life figured out/know exactly what you want
I generally agree that getting married before 24 is a pretty risky move and you have to have thought it through very carefully, but the argument that “you don’t know what you want for the rest of your life” is not the reason why that is. It relates more to life experience/emotional capability/massive foresight. Marriage is more than just “wanting something for the rest of your life”, it’s a commitment, it’s not just some eternal desire you may/may not have
I feel like it might come from the fact most relationships are pretty short before you are 24. Few people hold onto long lasting relationships by that age and few (at the time) short ones develop into anything reliable.
A former classmate of mine met a guy and got married after knowing him almost a year, like right out of highschool. Last I heard of her they went through a messy divorce couple of years later, which we all saw coming and tried telling her about.
That sounds more like an issue with that person not being open/receptive to her peers advice. And I think this is true for many people beyond the age of 24 as well
You evolve all the time, but you might have some desires that are fixed for your whole life and you might realize it before you’re an adult.
That might as well be an argument for child marriage.
Uh, no. If you’re just a kid at 24 according to OP, when do you stop being a kid? When OP arbitrarily says so now? Could’ve sworn legal age meant something like “when you’re no longer a kid and can make your own decisions”. I mean I agree, 24 year olds are basically kids and still have a lot of life experience to gain. But they’re not actually children like you’re weirdly implying I’m saying
Wow, well said!
Can we stop extending “just a kid” into ever older years? Society already years anybody under 18 like they’re the same as a goddamn fetus. Human life expectancy being what it is, we shouldn’t be treating people… not even like they don’t know anything but like they couldn’t even conceivably know anything for fully a third of it.
I don’t know how it is for you, but when I look back at 24-year-old me, I am not impressed. I guess what I’m saying is that there are a lot of us who definitely don’t have their shit together when they’re 24. They say your prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed until 25 at the earliest, but I feel like it was closer to 30 for me. Granted, I’m kind of a dummy anyway, so this probably doesn’t apply to everyone.
That reads as “I couldn’t make those decisions at that age, so obviously no one else could.”
I say this as someone that had my first child at 23, after talking about it with my girlfriend since the age of 19.
We don’t regret a thing. (Well, apart from not winning the lottery. Yet.)
Just wait. 45 year old me was cringe. And 35 year old me? How did that guy even have friends.
24-year-old me was an awesome badass and I regret nothing.
What happened man? You used to be cool.
I was a shit person at 24 who knew nothing so everyone must’ve been a shittier person at 24 who knew even less than me, vibes.
I don’t look at other people as if they are or were me, I look at them as if they are their own people who may or may not be living their life differently from me.
Is 18 years a third of your life given todays life span?
Where do you live where the expected life span is just 56? O.o
I think they’re referring to the 24 number op originally stated, that is roughly a third of the life expectancy for males at least.
This. Sorry that was less than clear.
The age at which you meet has nothing to do with it. Healthy relationships are about evolving together. If you can’t do that or if you do it separately, that’s when it falls apart. Sometimes you’re lucky and you find a compatible person early, sometimes you don’t. That’s all there is to it.
Seems like 24 is an arbitrary number. Some folks consider themselves “ready” for marriage at 18, some at 40, and some never.
I think its very subjective and situational.
I wonder if OP is 24 and just got married.
Not going to try to change your mind about this opinion, but I’ll take a stab at shaming you for being so vocal about a thought that is very much “othering”. Maybe turn down the judgement a bit, you don’t know people.
You’re weird
What’s truly insane is people who marry under 20. And if you think it’s possible to know who you are and what you want at that age, you have a very simplistic view of the world. Or you’re brainwashed by those who reared you, ie you have a very simplistic view of the world.
No, teenagers are often gifted with some nugget of wisdom or other about their lives, it’s just that parents and random commenters online never believe it.
I knew I wanted to get married and to whom. I also knew it was a good idea. I only waited to mid-twenties because she wasn’t sure. 30 years farther along, we’re still married and teenaged me is proved right.
Cynical, older, slower me might have screwed it up somehow.
I’m happy that it worked out for you. I think you got lucky. I don’t think most people are mature enough to make such a call at 20yo.
Of course I was lucky. The decisions we make around starting a family can reverberate for centuries. Even if we had enough information (we don’t), I don’t think people are mature enough at any age to make the right call,
Me 32, i dont have a fucking clue of what i want for the rest of my life. Maybe those couples that married in their early 20s wanted to explore together what they wanted in life. Good for them.
I understand the roots of marriage, but I want a partner who would be ok with parting ways in the future. We live once, why do we have to commit to 1 person for most of it? Things I enjoyed 5 years ago I don’t care for now. Tastes change.
Marriage isn’t for everybody, and that’s okay. As long as you aren’t stringing partners along who are looking to get married when you already know that you aren’t, then your choice doesn’t seem to be hurting anybody.
I’m 35 and married. Sure, tastes change, but my wife and I chose good partners in each other; we won’t hate each other or get irreparably sick of each other, we make a great team, and we understand each other’s limitations and are mature enough to ask for help. We let each other in. There is security and stability in marriage. I’m not great at meeting new people, so not having to go on another first date again is a huge relief for me. Making a good first impression is fucking exhausting. In contrast, I know how my wife is feeling pretty much just by glancing at her, and it’s really fulfilling to be on the same wavelength as my partner like that, especially because we’re also open communicators who can share the honest, fucked up feelings without worrying about judgment. So we’re basically each other’s therapist, but we share housework and meals and money, and we snuggle and kiss and fuck. I can understand that that’s not appealing to everybody, but it’s hard for me to imagine a version of myself who doesn’t want this. But again, it’s not for everybody, and it’s perfectly okay to not want it for yourself.
Now that’s a healthy relationship. I agree marriage isn’t for some, just like having kids isn’t for some. To each their own, perhaps my views will change in the future.
24 is just as arbitrary an age as 18, change my mind
someone at 24 has several more years of experience in the adult world. someone at 24 has several more years of neurological development (which isn’t complete until around 25). in other words, at 24 someone has better context for decision-making and better decision-making ability than someone who is 18.
On average sure. But your statement at its face is simply wrong. Older does not mean they make better decisions.
indeed, lots of people make poor decisions regardless of age. but statistically speaking, 24 year olds have resources (experience, development) which increase their capacity to make better decisions.
Yes it’s all about mental age and mindset.
I see a pretty stark difference between people who married young and had kids right away, vs people who married young and enjoyed their time for a while before having kids. The ones who had kids seem weird to me, never got a chance to goof off in their 20s and figure out who they are. The ones who waited feel more normal. But that’s just my experience.
The ones who had kids seem weird to me, never got a chance to goof off in their 20s and figure out who they are.
I definitely needed to goof off in my 20s and figure out who I was. But not everybody is like that, and the meme in question suggests it’s “weird” to know who you are and not need to goof off.
How old are you? No need to be specific this isn’t a creepy question lol just roughly what age are you? Because I don’t think we can make any sort of broad assessment until the people who had kids when they were young have kids out of the house. I know plenty
of people who are enjoying their 40’s with kids happily going off to college around that time. If you have kids in your early to mid 30’s - assuming you stopped at 35, which isn’t a given - you’re starting to have them out in your mid 50’s. Those are very different times for you, physically, mentally, professionally, etc. even if it doesn’t seem like it.I imagine for many in this thread it is too early to be making a final assessment. I think also a lot of people here forget that nobody is thrusting these decisions upon them (except maybe overeager parents who want to be grandparents, in which case they need to back off). Different people have different objectives/goals in life. They aren’t worse off for not doing it your way.
The strongest marriage I know is my buddy from high school who married his high school sweetheart, right when they graduated college at 21. They just had their 3rd kid at 35 and they’re ecstatic. First was at 22 or so.
The point is a post like this shows a certain amount of hubris/lack of imagination/lack of exposure to people with different lifestyles and priorities.
I just can’t imagine being a grandfather at >70… and seeing NOTHING of that generation before I’m doomed to dementia/death.
My Grandparents were a HUGE part of my life… and knowing that some people don’t want to be that positive influence to their grandkids lives is disappointing. Raising kids is a hard thing to do. To not be around when my daughters need the help is something that I refuse to acknowledge as “healthy” just because some numpties on the internet think that everyone should be older than 35 to have kids.
As it stands, I haven’t needed my parents much at all for raising my kids (I was 26 for my oldest, I would have been fine going a bit younger as I was more or less in the same situation). But they’re there if something happens (familial fallbacks are great bus factor multipliers.)
A lot of what I’m reading here sounds like most people seem to think that you should be 100% self-sustaining before you do ANYTHING… and that’s just not an answer that works in my brain.
Edit: This whole premise is actually a really good way to kill generational knowledge. My dad doesn’t know nearly the same stuff my grandfather does about the family.
This is the main point here, IMO. A child is a huge responsibility and the early 20s is a period of life you’re still figuring things out. Culture also plays a role here; where I’m from, people are deciding to live together (without having kids) for a couple of years before formally marrying.
Having a kid in your 20s is not for you, but you can’t just assume that that is the case for everyone else.
I mean, let’s take this post: what is so magical about 24? Why not 25? Why not 23? I imagine the number was pretty arbitrary. It just sounded right to OP.
I married at 22 over 20 years ago did not regret a day… I think a happy marriage is just a lot of luck a lot of self reflection and effort. No matter the age it is not a self running maintenance free system
Luck is something I didn’t consider.
I met my wife in high-school, we married at 21/22, it’s going to be our 19th anniversary this year. So yeah, definitely got lucky, and I would discourage my kids from doing the same even though it worked great for us.
Very interesting perspective that you wouldn’t encourage your kids to do the same as you, why’s that?
To be honest if my kids married at 20 it’s not like I’d try to stop it, despite my reservations about it. I’d think it was a potential mistake but that’s coming from me as concern rather than disapproval.
I doubt waiting makes people any luckier in that respect. In the end, it’s a gamble.
100% one of my employees married at 40 and got divorced at 45 life happens no matter the age. If you cannot work on yourself with your spouse and vis a vis you are fucked anyway at whatever age
Two reasons to wait:
- people in their early 20s are more likely to change dramatically later, so definitely more of a gamble at that age
- because it’s a gamble, you should already be well prepared for life on your own before doing it; that gives you a solid fallback in case things don’t work out
And on the flip side you might plan out your life to begin when you’re thirty, wait until youre wise and wealthy, then suddenly die.
If you live somewhere where life expectancy is close enough to 30 to make that eventuality part of your life choices, then go ahead and marry as a teenager. Don’t even wait for 20, marry at 16.
Likewise, if you live in a place where nobody dies before they reach their life expectancy, waiting might be a good idea.
Life expectancy is the age most people live to. Some live less, some live more. You shouldn’t make plans heavily counting on one of those exceptions. Don’t hurry up to do things just in case you’re one of the ones who live less, don’t delay things too long because you might live to 120.
Planning for living 30 years only makes sense in a place where most people don’t live over that.
I think overcomming obstacles growing as people together is an experience and bonding I would have never liked to miss. Going from a broke ass Teenager to now was a wild trip and my wife was there the whole time. She changed and I changed but we never changed apart because we communicated about our inner selves
But that’s where the gamble is. You changed together and it worked out. Others grow apart through no fault of their own and despite their desire to keep things working, they just don’t want the same things anymore. Your and my experience are the lucky ones.
Do whatever you want. Maybe your marriage will last, maybe it won’t. Live your life. Take chances.
Hahahahahaha
Cries in paralysing anxiety
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I have lived with a persistent background anxiety for my whole life, and only in the last year have I started treating it (in my 40’s). It hasn’t solved all my problems, but it does mean I’m not constantly jittery. If you’re already treating your anxiety, then I can only wish you luck and success.
I got married at 22, (wife 21) and on the 17th of Feb we will celebrate our 32 year anniversary. Seems to have worked out ok for me.
Fist-Bump Met my wife in 8th Grade. Got married at 21. Just celebrated our 28th anniversary. I think if the trust, loyalty and love is there, you’ll know. Neither of us had a doubt about each other, and we’re best friends.
Note: We did take a year or so off around 18-19, too get ‘it’ out of our systems.
