I just want to vent a bit - I started seeing someone a few weeks ago. Old fling that I ran into through some friends that got rekindled, and I was excited that it seemed like more than just casual hookups this time. But there were some yellow flags I ignored that turned out to be red flags, and now I’m feeling frustrated and hurt.
Dude for real dropped the line that men are more “capable” and “logical” on me. That gender studies are “indoctrination.” I told him we should probably stop seeing each other if that’s really what he thinks. It wouldn’t be logical for me to keep seeing someone that thinks lesser of me, now, would it?
I’m grateful to have some guy friends that I turned to after I left, cuz I wanted to go into “fuck all men” mode, but I know it’s not true or helpful. Just like there are women out there that have internalized misogyny, there’s feminist men, enbies, etc. We’re all just people and we’re not monoliths beholden to differences in biology. This is just sexist, manosphere bullshit in particular
Anyway. I’m still feeling angry and wanted to put it out there for some support and solidarity. Anyone have a recent win they’d like to share or something?
ETA: Thank you so much for the conversation y’all! I’ve been trying to keep up but I gotta get some sleep. I’ll check in later but hope everyone has a good day. Keep up the empowerment! 💜
This doesn’t reflect my experience at all.
Nor mine. I’ve had a lot of women talk to me about their relationship goals, perhaps because I’m gay so they know I’m a disinterested third party. I’ve never had anyone confide in me that they like the company of abusive assholes. Quite the contrary, in fact.
What I have noticed are a lot of guys who think they’re nice to women, but really aren’t. I’ve also seen men who project a completely fabricated persona to women, acting polite and caring, but being the most vicious untrustworthy backstabbers in the room – e.g., being extremely polite and civil to the woman, but then telling me they can’t wait to get into her pants, etc., the moment she’s out of earshot.
Exactly my experience though from the other kind of gay perspective. I’ll also add, a lot of the women who like assholes are abuse victims already. When you’re an abuse victim the early stages of abuse are comfortable and familiar. Add in things like love bombing and the thing with assholes often bring far more comfortable making moves
I want to stress for anyone finding themselves in this pattern, healing is possible and there are often free or low cost services, especially with telehealth now more widely available and experts weighing in on social media
I am an abuse victim, but I’ve had therapy on and off and have been in school for psych the last few years, throwing myself into understanding through as many outlets as possible. I may have fallen for this shit ten years ago. Now look at me slappin this shit down 😤
And communities like this are so important, too! Building support groups so you aren’t isolated and being gaslit into further trauma.
Yeah I really second this. Being polyamorous and knowing most of my relationships won’t be lifelong I try to leave every partner better than I found her. I had an ex that was uncomfortable with the lack of abuse and sometimes lashed out over it, it was hard and contributed to the death of the relationship but she was healing, it was just a slow process. I’m currently in a long term relationship with a woman who grew up in an abusive household and married an abusive man as a teenager. But she’s currently married to a kind and wonderful man and she seems to think I’m also very good for her.
And then there’s me, I have cptsd from my childhood but am happily married to someone who treats me right. Any reader who thinks they’re alone probably knows people who once were in this cycle and found their way out long enough ago that you don’t even realize they were there. And you aren’t beyond healing, nobody is.
This, especially the first part, seems relevant. Like “I tip the starbucks girl every time why won’t she go out with me?” is a sad, common, energy. (Because she’s at work my dude. She has to be nice to you.)
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I’ve seen it. Not in that rigidness but I’ve seen a lot of women cling to idiots for too long (sometimes bizarre stories). There’s some truth to that post.
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It’s interesting, I’m sure you’re right that this does work on some people and I have no evidence to suggest you’re lying about having personally seen it a lot. But as with other commenters, this just isn’t my experience at all. Thinking about my straight female friends, I can’t recall anyone going for a guy who even remotely resembles this. And thinking about my straight male friends, obviously none of them are like this at all otherwise they wouldn’t be my friends.
For what it’s worth, I grew up super working class poor (dad worked down a coal mine) and a lot of my oldest friends are still in similar situations. Nowadays I also know a lot of quite well off middle class folks. But neither group would put up with this kind of behaviour from partners / friends / themselves. Whatever the difference is with your friend group, I don’t think it’s that.
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