I know you’re out there! If you’re part of /c/TransLater, make yourself heard!
Maybe some questions will help.
Tell us your name and where are you from? Maybe a bit about yourself
What do you enjoy spending your time on?
How have things been going as you navigate the combination of “Trans” and “Later” in your life?
What’s a question you have for other folk in the sub?
Hi everybody! I’m Valerie, (I did a whole intro over on Transfem if you want to check that out), I’m 41, be 42 in a few months, I’m in the U.S. originally from one of the not great states. I live in Colorado now though, actually about to move cities here at the end of the month for a new job. And, I’m pretty reserved at first, I like to take in a situation and people through observation quietly when you first meet me. However, once I get to know folks, I am usually joyful and VERY talkative. (As will become obvious if you know me, I’m prone to being long winded. It’s a problem. I’ve had to learn through great personal difficulty how and when to be concise.)
I’m a teacher so obviously I love working with students, seeing them grow and learn and just be their amazing selves! In my free time, I love to read so, I do a lot of that. I just finished Andy Weir’s Hail Mary, before that The Book Thief, Ursula K. Le Guin’s The Dispossessed, The Word for World is Forest, The Left Hand of Darkness, Lisa Klein’s Ophelia, The Priory of the Orange Tree, Hood Feminism, and I could keep going but you probably get the idea. I also really enjoy video games, please don’t judge, and I have a Steam Deck, since GOG had a deal I bought the Yakuza series and have started my way through Yakuza 0, looking forward to playing through them all.
I feel like I’m navigating much better now. I left a prior teaching job the summer before my 40th birthday, knowing that they would not be comfortable with me transitioning, and tutored for about a year before the leadership their realized I was trans and dismissed me (though naturally that wasn’t the reason given.) I had really struggled this last year to find a new job and went through my savings, finally my parents had to help me out BUT, I got a new teaching position with an awesome and inclusive school, which I start at the end of this month. I’m very excited about pursuing this new opportunity in a new town where people will only ever know the real me, you know? 😁 It’s a lot so, ask me again next year and I may finally feel like I’ve gotten everything together. 😜
As for a question, hmm, well, I guess I’d like to know about other folks relationships, if they’re in one or not and if their partner(s) knew/met them before transition and how navigating those personal relationships have been, what challenges you all faced if any. Now, I get off light here since I’m single and have been for a quite awhile. (I knew I was trans long before I actually transitioned, even if I didn’t have the vocab for it early on.) I just didn’t think it was fair to a potential partner (or myself for that matter) to start seeing anyone while I was maintaining a false outward presentation and I’ve got so much else going on since starting transition, including transition itself that I’m just not in a place for a relationship yet. So, I think that wraps it all up. I’ve really loved hearing from folks on the fediverse already and I’m looking forward to talking with all you beautiful folks here on TransLater as well! 🥰
I was single at the time I transitioned 6 years ago, though I’m currently in a polycule. My partner is also a trans woman, and my metamour is a self described gender chaos gremlin :)
My biggest issues with relationships have been internal, as a navigate split attraction, as my romantic attraction doesn’t completely align with my physical attraction.
Ah, I hear you Ada. I’m dealing with my own internal struggles clearly but, I’m glad you brought up split attraction, as I’ve slowly realized that I feel the same way about my my own romantic versus sexual versus aesthetic/physical attraction. 🙄 I’m comforted that I’m not the only one wrestling with it. 🙂 Also, I’m glad to hear there’s some hope for me, though I’m not sure I could handle a polycule. 🥵 I tend to be a bit selfish or jealous, though given that I haven’t dated since I started transitioning, maybe I’ve grown.
I’ve been described as poly compatible long before being in a poly relationship. I’ve previously had partners with partners, and it brings me joy knowing that they can get things from their other partner(s) that I am not able to give them.
It’s also part of my split attraction, because though I can be romantically attracted to anyone, I tend to end up dating women, because women dating other women have a history with their own queer side that most men do not. Yet I am predominantly attracted to the physicality of men.
Well that’s really cool. As I said I tend to be a bit more selfish myself but, I can also see that I can’t and wouldn’t try to fulfill all of any potential partner’s needs, though I would think that they could find other ways of fulfilling them outside of another romantic/sexual partner. Again, I guess I’m just more reserved in my own (potential) relationships. However, as I said, I think it’s really cool that you and your partner(s) are able to be more open in that regard and do that in a way that’s fulfilling for all parties.
I find your description of your own attractions interesting. I personally a, exclusively romantically attracted to women. I’m (helpfully) also primarily aesthetically attracted to women. However, before figuring out that I was a woman myself, I thought I might be some other flavor of gay/queer and experimented a bit sexually with men. That was fairly hit and miss, mostly miss. Though I think I can say emphatically that I enjoy penis, I very rarely feel the same about the fellow attached to it. (I was never involved with other women like myself so I can’t say how much I’d enjoy that, though I tend to think a lot.) Jokingly, I’ve sometimes said to myself that “I don’t have a problem with dick, I have a problem with dudes.” But, I’ve found that’s not universally true. There have been a few men (read less than 5) who I’ve found both physically attractive and with whom I could imagine a pleasurable sexual relationship. Though all those men were (to my knowledge) heterosexual and most were involved with women so it was exclusively fantasy on my part and I still had no interest in a romantic relationship with any. I also haven’t ever been involved with anyone on the wider gender spectrum and don’t want to rule out any nonbinary, genderqueer, etc. folks simply for lack of experience. Even so, for simplicity sake I’ve sometimes labeled myself as a lesbian given my strong preference for other women in most arenas but, homoromantic bisexual is, while a bit more complex, much more accurate. Thank you for sharing your own experiences! I really enjoy learning about other people’s journeys and sharing mine.
Broadly speaking for me, romantically, I prefer openly queer partners and I want my relationships to be openly and proudly queer. However, as I’m a middle aged, post op cis passing trans woman, the men who are interested in dating me generally don’t give me that. They tend to be cis guys who want to downplay the whole trans thing, or trans guys who are happy to downplay the whole queer thing. As it is though, the people I find that want to be openly and proudly queer with me tend to be other women, so they are who I connect with the most
However, I’m more attracted to physical masculinity. Body hair, stubble, T powered body odour etc. My primary sexual attraction is to someone with a body like that who enjoys owning a body like that
I used to call myself straight, and preferentially date men, looking for the “complete package”, and whilst I’m still open to that, that search isn’t my priority. What I really want is the depth of a loving emotionally rich queer relationship, and so that’s what I prioritise, and that’s what I have now :)
Strictly speaking, I’m a panromantic heterosexual, but I just call myself queer these days and leave it at that
Awesome, I follow you, particularly the interest in and drive to be proudly openly queer. I hope that one day the “complete package” comes along for you but, I’m also overjoyed for you that you’re in a such a loving, rich and fulfilling relationship! 🥰
As a relationship anarchist, that gets complicated. My coming to non-monogamy in 2019 was a huge part of what brought me to questioning my views on relationships, sexuality, and gender.
I was married at the time, but we are divorcing now. That had nothing to do with her accepting my gender at least. She’s very pan, was the first person I came out to, and one of my biggest supporters.
A partner of mine just moved up to Colorado, and I will be following in a couple months. I have been deescalating with other folks of various levels of in enmeshment. One of them in the weird buffer zone between friend and romantic partner has known me since before transition. We stopped dating when I was still in the early stages of questioning. If anything, we’ve become closer since then. I’ve been really lucky to have surrounded myself with mostly understanding people.