• jjjalljs@ttrpg.network
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    20
    ·
    1 year ago

    Thanks for the reply. It was informative and helpful.

    I really struggle to imagine what that’s like. It’s like you’re telling me sometimes you forget to swallow and you end up with a lot of mystery food in your mouth. Scheduling is trivial for me, and it often feels like when people screw it up it’s from negligence or apathy. Even if it’s not.

    And as the person who’s getting flaked on or ghosted, it sucks. We made plans. I set aside time on Saturday for this thing together, and then you bail at the last minute because you forgot you had other stuff? Fucking hell, now my Saturday is fucked up.

    Even if the flakiness is a medical problem, the pain and frustration is causes other people is real.

    • PrincessLeiasCat@sh.itjust.works
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      12
      ·
      1 year ago

      Thank you for being so civil and understanding, I appreciate it.

      And I know that is not fair to my friends and family - I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was an adult (as is common with women because we’re not “typically” hyper like boys when we’re young). As a result, I didn’t know what this was and I often got told by others how disrespectful it was to always be late. I took that seriously and tried to fix the problem - extra alarms/reminders, every physical and electronic calendar/alert thing I could find. I would write dates and times on my hand because I knew I was guaranteed to see it (but showers screw that up if I don’t remember to add it when I get out; I keep a pen and a sticky pad in the barhroom).

      None of it works; my mom and SO collaborate and told me things were 30 mins earlier than their actual time so that I wouldn’t be late.

      The best I could figure for events that day is that I consistently underestimate how long it will take me to get ready - ADHD also means you have to spend an equal amount of time searching for items you planned to wear/bring because they’re never where you thought they would be…ever.

      The other thing for “day of” is *overestimating” how much time exactly 5 mins, 10 mins, etc actually takes to pass, so I always think I have more time than I actually do. It’s weird and frustrating & has cost me a lot of money in just late doctor appointment fees alone over the years.

      I don’t know what else I can do at this point - my brain just doesn’t have the capability to keep time straight like other people do. It impacts my work life, social life, relationship life, family life, school life, etc. Is that a bill I need to pay? Yep. Is it due now? Nope…boom it goes into the abyss of “stuff in the future/not now”. It can be debilitating sometimes; luckily my partner is neurotypical and takes care of a lot of it for me. If they weren’t around, I would have to get some sort of personal assistant just for personal life duties. And that’s embarrassing to admit because I’m well into adulthood and have a “good” job with a lot of responsibilities. That’s why I typically never mention it at work.

    • HopeOfTheGunblade@kbin.social
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      6
      ·
      1 year ago

      We know that, and we hate it, but that doesn’t make the problem go away. Shit sucks for us, too, and getting yelled at for it doesn’t make anything better. It’s why a lot of us will just limit our circles to people who understand from direct experience, and not make plans with people who don’t have the ‘flake’ trait.

      • jjjalljs@ttrpg.network
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        8
        ·
        1 year ago

        I probably owe some of the people who read my post at the top of this thread an apology. It was mostly an outburst from years of frustration.

        I know intellectually most people are trying their best. I shouldn’t take my frustrations out on random Internet people. I did a bad and I apologize.

      • Beardsley@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        arrow-up
        2
        ·
        1 year ago

        Unfortunately there are a lot of us who get too tired to deal with it anymore, for your sake and for theirs. Just easier to keep to myself than try to form a meaningful bond I will inevitably destroy with my shitty brain.

    • Mossy Feathers (She/They)@pawb.social
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      4
      ·
      1 year ago

      The upside of ADHD people, is that our relationship decay modifier tends to be low or zero; meaning I can go a year or more not talking to someone and still be just as happy to see them as if we’d be regularly hanging out that whole time. I know it sucks for people on the other end (if they’re not ADHD; if they are, well, they’re probably the same way as me), but I legit forget people exist. I don’t notice time passing until I do, and then I start to panic because I realize how much time I’ve spent doing nothing. Then eventually something takes my mind off that and I go back to not realizing how much time is passing.

    • Zikeji@programming.dev
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      2
      ·
      1 year ago

      I’ve got a double whammy, ADHD and medical issues. But my coping mechanism for ADHD scheduling is calendar entries with multiple reminders. It’s hard to learn new habits, but I wouldn’t let another ADHD person use it as an excuse more than a couple times before I just moved on. As for medical issues, they’re generally in the morning and I usually plan afternoon or later so if I have to cancel there is a bit of advance notice.