I am my gfs first partner, she is my second. The girl I dated prior (for 6 months) was a vlogger and for like 3 months made a lotta relationship and prank videos wth me which I was fine with at the time. Now my current gf is my first ever real crush and Ive been into her for a decade.
So my gf stalked my ex somehow, idk how consodering Im not on social media myself (this account is the literal exception). She then asked a LOT of questions about my ex, I dodged just about every question. After that she just pulled away and was distant and would barely talk to me or meet up. She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.
Now I think Ive been VERY understanding and comforting to her, reassuring her literally every day since, being very loving and romantic to the point of cringing myself out. But she never really got over what she saw, idk if she rewatched that stuff or not but it was def smth thats always been in the back of her mind. She also knows that I broke up with my ex since I was moving countries and not bc the relationship was bad.
Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.
This is the first time my gf has denied my hug for comfort or just been so repulsed by me, she wont touch me while i explained everything, I deleted said video infront of her and begged her for a week. First she told me she needed to think things over but knowing her she wanted me chasing and I did just that, second week Ive given her space and theres been no change. We have had 2 dry 5 min convos in the last week.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Tl;dr: Gf found an old personal video involving an ex and wont talk to me anymore.
TBH if this is being caused by just videos of you and your ex doing harmless things, it sounds like she’s not really ready for an adult relationship and needs to talk to a professional to handle it possibly.
The youtube videos were just romantic stuff mostly, the video she found on my laptop was of a more adult nature. I know she can be insecure bout my last repationship, but I think I’d react similarly if I was in her situation.
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I think the point was that her initial reaction to the YouTube videos was not appropriate to the nature of the videos.
- She stalker your ex online because she’s feeling insecure and wanted to compare her to herself
- She watched them all even though it was causing her discomfort
- She gave you the cold shoulder because of harmless videos with your ex. Is she expecting you to not have a life before her?
She was.looking for a reason to feel bad and she found it. That’s not your fault OP. Your gf is very insecure and it has nothing to do with you, you’re just the scapegoat. It seems like she’s not ready for a serious relationship, and you may not be either, OP. There’s no “making it up to her”. Based on the very little bit of information present in this thread (take what I’m saying with a grain of salt because I may very well be 100%) it seems like y’all might have some codependency issues
but I think I’d react similarly if I was in her situation.
That’s worse. You understand that’s worse, right?
Hol up. You have porn of you and your ex, and you’re wondering why your current gf is mad?
I have fucking terabytes, literally, of data. Backups from this phone or the previous, or this laptop or the next, just tons of data, on this drive or another or stuck in a personal S3 storage. Yeah I’ll delete them if I find them but I’m not about to fucking put effort into it. It’s all encrypted, even if it’s found it can’t be opened without explicit permission and action even by the best security engineers in the world, but that doesn’t mean I give a shit about making sure it’s deleted.
When you change partners you tend to remember things like having porn of you backed up on your NAS out of respect. But go on with yourself. Also, https://xkcd.com/538/
I might remember, I might not. Honestly I couldn’t tell you the password for most of it, I don’t know it. I’d have to go through a whole ass process to get access to most of that data, it’s in glacier now.
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She’s handling all of this immature as hell, and playing your porn so you’d come find her crying is extremely childish and dramatic. But if my partner found porn of me, she’d be beyond pissed off.
Stalking your ex is some weird shit. So, lots of red flags here. Good luck, hopefully you both work out whatever you need to. But I’d think long and hard if you want to date someone that’s got the dating IQ of a high schooler.
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this.
Yeah none of this sounds very mature
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These giant images you keep using contribute nothing and make it harder to read a thread. Kinda funny that you’re the one posting “shit advice award” and “blocked” when the only thing you’re contributing is a bad attitude.
If she can’t accept that people have relationships with others, she’s mental
I wouldnt wanna see my partners sex tape either! I dont think shes wrong to feel this way.
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It’s all the stuff before that they are refering to.
But still having that video is a major fuck up especially given everything else you’ve said. It basically confirms everything they were worried about I’m afraid.
Confirms what exactly? That the person they knew was in a prior relationship was in a prior relationship? That they had sex?
Not like I’d want to watch an old video of my SO having sex with their ex but I’m not going to pretend they were a virgin unless they said they were either. Unsurprisingly, a person’s life didn’t revolve around a person they hadn’t yet known.
Keeping a sex tape of your ex isn’t a good look generally.
OP also says their partner was worried as the previous relationship ended because OP moved not because the relationship went bad.
This to me implies they are worried OP still loves their ex and keeping a sex tape could reinforce that idea.
Current partner going thru your stuff is a worse look tho
That depends really. OP said they were on there with permission.
Also not everyone cares about that.
My wife has full permission to use my laptop (and I hers), but if she got on my laptop to search through my photos and videos to try to find something (something bad, that is), I would absolutely call that a breach of trust.
There’s a difference between using and snooping.
Yeah I can’t believe I forgot it existed. 😔
It’s easily done. Especially if you bury your videos properly.
All you can do is hope they believe you. But I’m afraid as they were already being really paranoid about it that may be unlikely.
Best of luck friend.
Thank you
But still having that video is a major fuck up especially given everything else you’ve said. It basically confirms everything they were worried about I’m afraid.
This is absolutely not the correct take on this situation. OP please PLEASE do not listen to this person.
The video was buried, forgotten about. Your current gf (honestly, I hope it’s your ex soon) clearly went looking deep for something to use against you. And she found it. She was looking for something only to use it as a weapon.
Current gf is nuts and needs therapy before she gets into any relationship.We don’t know how deep it was hidden and we also only have OPs side of the story.
It certainly sounds like you’re right but it’s still a big leap based on little information.
OP may have acted in a way that made her feel this way.
We don’t actually know what they said about the online videos or how they reacted when talking about their ex.
Throwing therapy out there is a big overreaction as well. Especially if it’s their first boyfriend. People have to learn how to make relationships work.
I grew up before in the age before everything was put online and stored forever personally. I can imagine it’s hard seeing your partner and there ex during their honeymoon phase in loads of videos. Combined with the fact they didn’t break up because they wanted to but because of circumstances.
I’m really just playing devil’s advocate. As we don’t know the whole story, just a fraction.
Based on what OP has said I do agree with you though.
That’s why you don’t go digging through ancient files and use it to indemnify somebody when they weren’t doing something wrong anyways.
But they did find something to confirm their paranoia which sucks.
As they say it’s not paranoia if they’re really out to get you.
It’s a very unfortunate turn of events.
Their partner doesn’t know they weren’t doing anything wrong and has essentially found evidence they may have been.
What paranoia?
They people have sex? The horror!
That he’s not over his ex as their relationship ended because he moved not because he didn’t love her. As per the text.
As evidenced by the stashed sex tape (in their mind now at least)
Stashed? Or forgotten about?
First one then the other
You are correct to think she isn’t “wrong” to feel this way, her experience is valid and she has a right to feel however she feels. It’s her response and actions that I think are the problem here. If I found a sex tape of my spouse I might be upset, but if they immediately deleted the video and if it wasn’t part of a pattern of infidelity I don’t think it would be a big deal for me.
I honestly don’t think you fucked up here, at least given the information that we have. If having that video was a mistake then you should have deleted it… which you did immediately as soon as you were reminded of the video existing. People forget things all the time, and IMO your response to becoming aware of it again sounds like it was perfect.
How do I fix this or make it upto her???
Simply put? You don’t. She needs to get over this. Delete the video, of course, there’s no reason to have it saved anymore anyway, but then she needs to get the fuck over the fact that you’ve been in a relationship before.
But be more open with her. You being evasive was not the best move and you need to account for that, but her digging into your past relationship was stupid she’ll have to come to terms with that. You guys are young and you’re making young people mistakes. You’ll get through it.
Thanks, hope this isnt the end for us.
She’s insecure as hell, and that can be ok. People are all different, and maybe she just needs a bit of security right now, but fuck man how much of this shit do you want to eat?
You are going to need to find a line, and on the other side of it is a grown ass woman who doesn’t care who you fucked before so long as you ain’t gonna burn her. Whether that’s the girl you’re with now or not is up to her. And you.
You need to be ok with this being over for your own sake. She’s toxic af.
My ex-wife was like this.
Right when me and her started dating, I went to go see a friend of mine named Michelle who I had been friends with since I was a teenager and I ended up getting drunk at Michelle’s place with her and her husband and sleeping on their couch.
My ex-wife for some reason got it in her head that I slept with Michelle that night.
I did everything I could to sort the misunderstanding out. I vehemently denied the accusation, I offered to let her and Michelle talk and to meet Michelle’s husband and she refused. She had decided that Michelle would lie for me to cover me and it was pointless to talk to her.
I spent several years trying to fix things, trying to patch over the insecurities and to make things better and to solve the problem and to fix it so that she could trust me and be happy with me and her the way I was.
Despite all of this, I thought we had worked things out, I thought that we were in a good place. We got married 2 years later, we had a lot of fun with each other and things were great.
Several years later, Michelle’s mom died. I wanted to go to the funeral, the ex-wife said that I could not go, I had to pick attending one of my best friend’s mother’s funeral or my wife.
This caused a major rift between us. I did not sleep in the same bed with her again after this. For months I kept my distance and I tried to work things out with her and anytime I brought up any attempt whatsoever to resolve the issue between us she would clam up and completely refuse to talk.
She wanted things her way and anything that I wanted did not fucking matter anymore.
We spent a year in that stalemate, and finally I got an offer to come to another state and get a new job and make a shit ton more money and I told her that I was going to take the job.
She told me that it was her or the job and I had to pick.
Last time, I didn’t go to my friend’s mom’s funeral, I didn’t do what my wife wanted either. I spent a year in misery over that decision. I wasn’t going to do that again, so I told her I was moving.
The last thing she said to me as she was packing up her stuff to leave was that “I know you fucked Michelle” as she slammed the door.
That insecurity stayed with her our entire relationship and ruined everything and there wasn’t a goddamn thing I could have done about it.
Even if I had devoted my entire life to serving her every minor whim and need in the back of her head she still would have been thinking I fucked Michelle.
Your girlfriend “stalked” your ex and watched all of her YouTube videos?
Do you think that’s a bit much?
“How do I win her back?!”
Lol
Depends how many videos and how often the guy was in them. Plus how long their relationship was. It’s not crazy to be curious to see what things your SO likes in another person.
I was in the videos for about 3-4 months, id say 10-15 videos. She had the channel from before that. Issue is they were relationshipy videos, like a viral tiktok “prank” was just kissing your partner all day and she did that and put 10 mins of us just making out online. My gf 100% hated that, but also why watch it then???
My gf 100% hated that, but also why watch it then???
I’m glad that you’re asking yourself this question.
Unfortunately, the answer is something like: She was looking for something to use against you.
That in itself is not healthy behaviour, but what makes it even worse is that once she found it, she went snooping through your laptop and found something else to weaponise against you.
Honestly, you both sound like you have some maturing to do. She’s got insecurity/jealousy/stalkerish problems, and you’re acting like you have something to hide (dodging her questions was your first mistake).
Based on your description, you didn’t do anything wrong in your previous relationship. You don’t need to hide or act like it’s retroactive cheating.
By the same token, your girlfriend needs to learn to not ask questions when she doesn’t actually want to hear the answers.
I’d suggest that you give her a bit more space. Give her time to miss you and to get over herself.
I just dont wanna say smth that might hurt her. But yes I’ve long had a tendency of being secretive, it’s smth several close friends of mine have mentioned too.
Can I be honest?
It’s one thing to be empathetic. It’s another thing to be a doormat.
No need for that whatsoever 😭😭
Honestly, it’s needed. Your perspective on this is pretty off, and just typing this out should have told you your behavior was enabling at best, and… well, not going to say what at worst is, let’s leave it at enabling.
The first initial reaction is telling: she’s upset with you for having a previous relationship and instead of being understanding of her insecurities while establishing that being upset and being upset with you are two different things, you were falling all over yourself trying to apologize for having a life before her.
But then she “stumbles” (lol) upon the private video on your laptop and you’re still apologizing and trying to find a way to “make it up to her?”
The long and short of it is she is immature and confusing her own insecurities for your own transgressions, and instead of correcting that you are enabling it. You are her first real relationship, and you are setting her up for failure for all her future relationships because you’re setting the precedent that it’s acceptable. You are bad for her.
And you’re setting yourself up to be an abuse victim in every relationship you have. There’s a difference between empathy and desperation, and I don’t think you have the perspective to see the line right now.
Honestly, I highly suggest some therapy. As far as the relationship? Stop coddling the person who is supposed to be your partner, establish some boundaries, and stop apologizing for having a life before her. She might leave you (because she’s not ready for an adult relationship yet and these shenanigans are helping her learn) or she might not. But a relationship based on you jumping to apologize for her own issues isn’t going to help either of you.
The long and short of it is she is immature and confusing her own insecurities for your own transgressions, and instead of correcting that you are enabling it. You are her first real relationship, and you are setting her up for failure for all her future relationships because you’re setting the precedent that it’s acceptable. You are bad for her.
I’m not even OP but damn. Mf god damn. Like, you’re right, and I’d never thought of it that way. I’m not sure I would. It’s a remarkably likely course of action I’d have never considered that I respect seeing the way I’d respect seeing a chess move.
I’m sorry man. I’m a lot older than you. I’ve been through the same things you’re saying.
You feel things. That’s ok. That’s good. But people will take advantage of that. The “tough guy” or “hard ass” trope didn’t come out of nowhere. It came because people needed to learn these lessons.
You seem like a good dude. Don’t stop caring, but accept the fact that people will take advantage of that and will use it against you.
I’m trying to be as gentle and understanding of her as possible but it all comes down to her having issues with immaturity around relationships and trust issues.
First she went looking for trouble by stalking. Then she found media if your previous relationship by accident. Then she refuses to participate in healthy and reasonable discussion.
I’m trying to find a way that she’s not at fault, but this is all her fault.
You are allowed to have had a life prior to meeting her, just as she’s allowed to have had a life before you.
You will also have a life after each other.
If she can’t put her big girl pants on and discuss an issue between immediately and 24 hours then that’s bad behaviour on her part.
Far as I can see she’s not yet mature enough to be in a relationship, and that’s on her.
I don’t know what you held back when she asked about your previous relationship, it might have been things that you’re very much entitled to hold back… it not. You may or may not owe an apology for this, but she sure owes you an apology for her shitty behaviour.
I don’t have a more polite way of putting this, and as a woman I just can’t sympathize.
She fucked around and found out.
What was she expecting? I’m going to snoop into my boyfriend’s most intimate moments with their ex, unprompted, and… THEN WHAT? CRY ABOUT IT? Your girlfriend is a dumbass. She hurts herself and then she takes it out on you? Not a single bit of this is your fault. If she’s giving you grief, ignore her or exit the relationship if she can’t get over it. Holy fuck I’m annoyed by this story.
Don’t dodge your partner’s questions about exes. Answer honestly. Don’t chase – this is ridiculous.
However, assure in the most non-blaming way positive that you want to be with her and why. And that you absolutely don’t want your ex.
Now, given the situation, it’s probably best to compose a long text message. Work on it offline. Give it some thought, don’t just brain dump.
And then give her however much time she needs to either change her mind or not.
But essentially someone that insecure will have to work on it. With some of your help. An oh boy this will not be the last time a tantrum like that happens.
Thanks, I think I’ll write her a letter.
I don’t know that you can fix it because it sounds like her issue. I obviously don’t know the contents of the video but it sounds like you have done everything to assure her that you are committed to her and want to be in a relationship with her. People have pasts and if she cannot accept that then it is something she needs to work on not you.
The youtube videos were just romantic stuff mostly, the video she found on my laptop was of a more adult nature.
Well, I can see how that would be upsetting. Definitely holding on to intimate videos of an ex is not a good idea. Still, if it was an honest mistake then it is still up to her to decide if she can move on. You have done all you can.
This is a her problem, not a you problem. She needs to get over it. You didn’t do anything wrong. She’s being immature and needs to grow up.
Small question: Why did you dodge “just about every question”? I think that would concern me more than any of the videos would if I were her. :(
My post wasnt very clear, I’m sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know. Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I’m in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening. I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don’t think she’d like that. We also live in a culture with arranged marriages and no talks of exs. Plus there were some bizzare questions that I dont regret avoiding.
You’re 22. Go fuck someone else - this girl has red flags all over the place.
She’s mad/upset because you have a past. Guess what? We all do. She needs to grow up.
Is this about having the video, or that you had sex in a prior relationship? It should be about the first, but it sounds like it’s about the second. That’s deep seated insecurity on her part. Frankly she will have to accept that you had a prior relationship, you had sex, etc. You can be polite in this regard (sounds like you have been) and help her through it, but ultimately it’s something that she will have to accept.
I think it’s a combination of both factors for her, that we’re not each others firsts and the fact that she saw it just made it too real and grossed her out. And thanks, yes I’ve tried to be as suppprtive as I can.
She’s got problems. She’s torturing herself with old media of your previous relationship for no reason and resenting and blaming you for it. If she can’t grow up you shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Here’s the thing, you were caught dodging questions about your ex (don’t think for a second she didn’t notice) and now she finds an intimate video on your laptop.
You have to realise how that can paint a very damning picture for her. The worst part wasn’t the video, but the fact that you were dodging questions. If it wasn’t for this, you could have explained it, but given how you were dodging questions about your ex, now she’s going to doubt any answer you gave her.
There is a fundamental issue of if she can trust you. And you’ve painted a pretty damning picture.
If you want to address anything, address this part. Invite her to ask her anything and everything, even the parts you don’t want to bring up.
My post wasnt very clear, I’m sorry. I did dodge questions initially, after she saw everything on youtube I told her most things she wanted to know. Also I broke up with my ex bc i was moving back to the country I’m in now and my gf knows this so she cant expect anything sus happening. I could try giving her all the information she wants, but I don’t think she’d like that.
She absolutely can suspect something going on, and perhaps it might not be unreasonable to. Just because you’re in different countries does not mean that feelings aren’t there.
So you’ve got:
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being initially unwilling to come forward with these details.
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she knows you broke up for reasons that don’t involve feelings going away
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she found intimate videos of you two on your laptop.
I’m pretty sure her mind right now is filling in the blanks in the worst possible way right now, as people tend to do, and she may not know if she can trust your first answer. This is why dodging the questions initially was about the worst thing you could have done except for actually having something going on.
It sounds like she’s convinced that things between you and this vlogger aren’t over at all.
This is the conclusion Im afraid she’ll come to. Even though I love this girl with all my heart and she’s literally my first crush from way back in highschool, it still feels like a dream that we got together.
I think the best thing you can do here is offer her a heart-to-heart and wait for her to take you up on it. You may have to sit patiently for a bit.
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