I see everything as a risk, since I’m living a double life. It is often that the road for me to leave as an apostate is narrow, and chances of me being free is close to none. But I don’t stop there. I remind myself that I have friends who looked after me, and I mourn those who passed away from terminal illnesses. Grief seems to talk to me not in stages, but as a constant companion. I balance everything with the good and the meditative. It doesn’t always work, but I like to try them everyday anyway. Good luck buddy.