cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/22534628

Introducing: Loving Lockdown

Are you tired of the same old conflicts with your partner or child? Do you find yourself longing for the good old days when you didn’t have to deal with their constant presence? Look no further! The premier therapeutic kidnapping service is here (now with 98% less Nazis!)

How it works

Our team of highly supervised, unlicensed therapists will swoop in and whisk away that special someone, giving you the space and solitude you so desperately crave. And don’t worry- we’ll make sure they’re well taken care of in a secure, undisclosed location.

What?

Our philosophy is simple: absence makes the heart grow fonder. And what’s more absent than being held against your will in a windowless room? It’s like a couples’ retreat where we handle the mental gymnastics for you.

Don’t just take our word for it!
Here’s what some of our satisfied customers have to say:

“I was skeptical at first, but after my wife was kidnapped, I realized how much I truly loved her. Mostly because I didn’t have to deal with her snoring anymore.” - Rachel, happy customer

“I sent my kid to Loving Lockdown for a week, and when they came back, they were so grateful to be home that they did all their chores without complaining. It was a miracle!” - Dave, proud parent

“before loving lockdown my wife yapped nonstop but now she doesnt even talk to me and our relationship is better than ever” - Chad, local patriot

Services include:

• Discreet kidnapping and transportation
• Secure, undisclosed holding facilities
• Regular updates on your loved one’s well-being (optional)
• A complimentary “I’m sorry” gift basket upon their return

Don’t wait any longer to reignite the spark in your relationship. Contact Loving Lockdown today and let us help you create some much-needed distance.

Side effects may include: increased feelings of longing, decreased feelings of responsibility, and hypervigilance. Not responsible for any emotional trauma or law enforcement involvement.