I’m comfortable being a woman with my lady parts. I also like to pretend. I told people I was male (transmasc, specifically) so that I could freely experience attraction to just men without having the “straight” label.
Whatever I was, I did NOT want to be straight, so presenting as a trans guy helped me feel better about myself. I could be a gay man. Then, I was a non-binary demiboy (either gay or bi but would only date men).
I felt like a girl in real life. I still do. I didn’t feel dysphoria nor a desire to transition in any way, neither socially nor physically nor anything. It just felt relieving to be a gay trans guy, but that still made me trans even though I didn’t identify as male nor did I ever see myself as male, right?
(I see myself as a woman and always have, I don’t have dysphoria. I identify as a woman who wants a penis. I think I’m moreso attracted to the idea of having male parts than actually seeing myself as a guy, but like I said, it relieved me to be gay and not straight.)
long story short, I’m a woman slightly attracted to the idea of herself being a trans guy or having a penis.
when ppl pretend to be a gender online because of comfort, it seems to me that they feel more comfortable as that gender
i would do some real reflection about this. you talk about gender dysphoria but you don’t make any mention of gender euphoria. do you know what that is? it’s the other set of traits to look for when considering if you’re trans. one of those is feeling more comfortable in a given gender than your assigned gender at birth. another is feeling a sense of wholeness or happiness when picturing yourself with different sexual characteristics. sometimes that also presents as feeling sexually aroused when picturing yourself with those traits
why did you want to avoid being straight so badly?
i think online spaces are good places for exploring your gender identity and i don’t really think it was wrong or disingenuous. you feel like it was, because it’s pretend for you, but it’s offering you a real sense of warmth and comfort, so i don’t see an issue. obviously, please treat the trust that other people may grant you, given that label, with care. be a good person with it, and if they become close to you, consider explaining your situation to them, before misunderstandings can happen
identities are free to take and wear as you please. you don’t owe anyone dysphoria or a desire to transition to be trans, or to be that identity everywhere at all times. it’s just seems to me that you identify as a man/demiboy/etc online, and that’s cool