And, should I change?
I’m 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn’t live that again with a partner or a child), don’t own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don’t need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it’s cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I’m definitively not an extrovert.
I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it’s slowly killing me.
I feel cheated in life.
For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I’m way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.
It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.
If you read my post history you’ll realize I don’t really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I’d stop working. I don’t like any job.
It might be true that I’m autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I’m nearing 40 I’m starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I’m on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.
What I don’t want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it’s pathetic and secondly because that’s never a good foundation to build a friendship, I’d be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I’m not a 20 year old discovering the world, I’m almost 40.
Every woman I’ve been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn’t good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I’m too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.
I don’t think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.
It seems clear I need a friend, but I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.
You don’t sound autistic at all and even though you say you don’t think it’s depression, it really sounds like one to me.
First thing I’d try in your place would be to go to therapy. Seriously, it helps. And if nothing else, you’ll get a more educated opinion on whether it’s depression or something else.
All of the stuff sounds like a coping mechanism to avoid something traumatic. The good news is that 40 is far from old, you can still make meaningful connections with others. Don’t give up!
I’ll piggy back on your comment, I was gonna say something similar (and I fully agree with it 😊)
With only the information you provided, it sounds like you’re potentially navigating some high functioning depression, maybe some meaninglessness. They can go hand in hand, and much of the joy of life is lost when/if you’re depressed with no personally meaningful direction.
Therapy is a good starting point, or even just some gentle self analysis of what may have led you to these feelings (as opposed to the symptoms of it, which it looks to me like what you described).
It’s a process, and it can take a very long time to learn how to be gentle enough to listen to yourself without judgement. So in addition to therapy, I’d add meditation to allow yourself space and journaling with personally directed questions (e.g., what do I feel, what may have led me to feel this way) that might grant you insights. Dig for what means something to you, and find a way to make it your reality.
One final thought - do try getting out there and connecting. It’s hard, irritating, and exhausting. But sometimes we spend so much time in our own space/heads that we ruminate ourselves into a quagmire. Ppl and activities corner that rumination to fewer hours of the day, and gives us a break from our own thoughts.
As poster above said, you’re not even 40 - lots of years of beauty, hope and meaning to be found and loved, though it can take time to really get there :)
All the best, OP
I can’t stress enough how helpful it would be for you to find a hobby and meet with people who also enjoy the same hobby. Do that, hands down. Good luck!
You are sharing very deep observations about yourself.
About your mother and her impact on you wanting to start a family, take a look at raisedbynarcicissts communities or speak to a therapist.
For friends connection, try joining a board game club in your area. They really don’t care about autistic traits.
I’d recommend minimising the amount of commercial media you are viewing, and switch to mostly consuming open-licenced media for a while.
Audio books: librivox.org
Movies: vole.wtf/voleflix
Nursing, and care professions like teaching or ambulance drivers, can often be squeezed to rely on the compassion of the individuals in them. Do you have balance within your position. Is it time to retrain for something else at night-school? Or time to go to 3 or 4 days a week.
Take some pride, every single day nurses help people to stay alive.
The Stoic Reading app on FDroid may help you find some philosophy that motivates or solidifies a purpose.
Travel to a different town and meet random people, introduce yourself using your middle name. Invest nothing in making long term friends, just chat.
You actually sound quite aware of many things around you, finding opportunities for hobbies or artistic endeavours, where you do not overthink things, would help.
Remember that everyone is doing their best with what they know, and to let some things go.
All the best for your future.
If it makes you feel better, most people have no idea what they actually want and just follow whatever has been put in front of them.
I think you should get a roommate. Worst case scenario you make an enemy. Most likely scenario is you become more tolerant of others and save some money. Just be clear about boundaries up front.
After doing research on solutions I found that many people benefit from volunteering and joining groups.
The ability to look into other people’s needs and glean some joy from solving social issues is usually overlooked by modern society.
Also, people with religions tend to take delivery of life’s goals. They accept the social bindings that find them.
Allow people to seek you out, and take intrigue and curiosity from what is happening. Obey the social contract and get beyond the niceties of not really accepting people into your life.
If you’re surrounded by streets full of bums you could see it as your challenge to work with them, rally against their terrible choices, or escape them.
Experiment with meaning. Take them all out for lunch. Throw a street party for them. Hire a bus and take them somewhere. Teach them how to live again.
Accept your reality and it might accept you back!
I suggest donating your time or skills to helping others in some way. It doesn’t have to be a great endeavor, especially because I am sure nursing and taking care of people is emotionally draining.
I started assistant coaching a local kids’ sports team that had very little funding. Turns out that it was incredibly rewarding to work with kids and watch them grow. I also found friends in other coaches who had similar interests to me. We could always commiserate over complaining about waking up early for practice or certain kids that were difficult, and friendships grew from there.
Maybe kids aren’t your cup of tea. But I have always gotten a seratonin boost from helping other people. That might be an easy place start. Aside from that, maybe a hobby that requires you to interact with others. The first thing that pops into my head is glass blowing, because there is a shop in my town. You can take a class with other people, if you hate it then it wasn’t too expensive of a trial because they have all the equipment. If you like it then you can participate more with the shop. Something along those lines?
What do you do to take care of yourself? Not treat yourself, but take care of yourself?
Find a shop sells games like Dungeons & Dragons or Magic: the Gathering, stuff like that.
Even if you don’t play, you have a high chance of crossing paths with nerds (autistic folk, if you will). This could give you human connection in your life.
Near as I can tell, that’s the only god damn reason to be on this Earth. Hang out with other humans.
I don’t have a general answer for you, but I did want to say that you should not rule out depression as a major component of what’s going on with you. I have a genetically-based cyclic depression that’s been with me more than four decades. Despite that, I have managed to remain employed. It has sometimes been very difficult, but it is possible to remain somewhat functional even when severely depressed. I have had to change jobs a few times because of it, but I’ve been able to make a steady living.
Depression can leave you with very little energy or volition, but very little is different from none. The worse it gets, the more you have to focus on your most critical necessities, which is not pleasant, but it can keep you going. Small victories like that can actually help counteract it. I think a lot of depression is “living to fight another day”.
If you do have depression, there are many things you can try. Therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, mindfullness, support groups, volunteering, hobbies, etc. Start by talking with a doctor.
I wish you the best!
First:
No, you don’t need a purpose, and your lifestyle sounds ok, if you were enjoying it (I think plenty of people would) but a couple of things stick out to me. One, you are avoiding romantic attachment - if any women are attracted to you, you are not unattractive or too awkward or whatever - you are really not attracted to any women who find you attractive? Or your brain rejects them because you subconsciously think you cannot possibly be attractive so there has to be something wrong with them?
Two, you do honestly sound depressed. It doesn’t have to mean so catatonic you can’t make it to work, it can mean going through the motions of life without feeling anything.
I suggest reading the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. Maybe it will explain some things. (Or maybe it won’t. I’m no expert.)
ETA: The drama-queen mother and the “something is missing and I don’t know what” feeling make me think it will.)
Hidden Brain had a good episode “Why You Feel Empty” Aug. 6, 2024. “We all know what it feels like to be sad” … “We also know what it feels like to be joyful and happy” … “Sociologist Corey Keyes says lots of us live in an emotional netherworld that falls between these two poles, we are not depressed but still feel unfulfilled.” Anyway, I saved it cause it stuck with me because I’ve been languishing for a while as well. Give it a listen let me know what you think.
Best advice I have received: make a small change in any direction that would have a positive outcome if you succeeded. Set a goal, any goal, professionally, personally, socially etc. make it specific, measurable, and write down your experience. Break it into steps and if a step is too hard break that step into smaller ones.
There can be many mental health disorders that are functional illnesses. Many with chronic illness can actually live a regular life and no one would know what they have going on. It doesn’t mean it is not serious or debilitating. Mild depression is a thing, so is mild bipolar, mild schizophrenia or high functioning.
That being said the phenomenon you are describing is common nowadays without it being a mental illness. I haven’t met someone who hasn’t at least once in their life questioned their choices or felt lost about what to do next or how to do it.
There are many jobs you can do with a bachelor’s in any major. Most are office based. Some can be more hands on.
That being said not all comparisons are a thief of joy. There is a concept in DBT called the ACCEPTS acronym. One of the Cs is Comparison. But a positive one. For you. Compare yourself to someone in a lesser or more distressing situation. Or to a time when you, yourself were in a worse rut, if possible. This is also a form of cognitive reframing.
38 is still young. Plus 30s and 40s are where a midlife crisis can occur. Don’t go to clubs for friends unless you already know someone there. Try more neutral settings like a small class, group, volunteering, or a place where you would be alongside people with a common goal or interest. A lot more potential to find not so good connections in a bar or a club.
I agree it is hard to connect especially being an introvert myself. But you don’t need friends you just need one friend. There isn’t one set way to do it. Smaller settings with less people work and more opportunities to connect. Less social competition. Sometimes it is just a conversation with a neighbor that sparks something you might have in common. Then you or them invites the other to do something or show another something etc. It happens organically, gradually and unexpectedly.
Psychedelics.
Yes they are not for everyone, but they sure as hell are for me.
