Sobering and disappointing.

So, I’ve been on HRT for a shade under three years and it’s worked out super well for me. I’m lucky and privileged enough to while not be entirely unclockable, but passing well enough to rarely be misgendered. I honestly can’t remember the last time a stranger said anything besides ma’am.

But that wasn’t always the case. Just after my egg crack and before learning makeup, how to dress or even HRT I was still going out as myself. People would look, gawk, stare and there were a few occasions of harassment, but as I got better at passing that stopped being the case. I would get smiles, compliments, jokes and a little flirting. When I saw someone looking at me they would smile and we would chit chat. My old photos are cringe, but also amusing and endering as reminders of how far I’ve come.

So anyways, for unrelated reasons, I’m now adjusting to life in a wheelchair. Just had my 36th birthday and it seems like a serious probability I won’t ever walk again. But the worst fucking part? People stare again. Still lucky enough to be seen as a disabled woman, but… they look away when I meet their gaze, when they turn around a corner there is a second of suprise when they see me, looks I remember in my early transition that made it hard to cope.

It could be worse, I’m still grateful, blessed and happy. But the realization that being treated as a boring, basic, regular woman was a fleeting experience… has been rough. I wasn’t ready to grieve the brief window of time when I loved my body. Now it’s physical pain, reliance on others and memories of being just an average normal unassuming woman.