I’ve noticed I have a problem with not noticing people’s bad intentions until I’m well into an interaction or relationship, and not having good ways to respond when I do notice. Some of this may be brain, but I think much of it is habitual from things I was taught in my upbringing that don’t work well in the world.
Has anyone successfully figured this one out? I’ve done a ton of work on myself and gotten a lot wiser, but I still keep falling into the same trap of giving my good faith time and words to people who are semiblatantly trying to take advantage of me, are asking questions in bad faith, or are just generally being kinda mean or creepy to me. Once I do notice, it’s usually gotten to a point where it’s a little costlier to exit the situation than I think it would be if I had noticed right away. It still happens even when I feel cynical or don’t like/trust someone.
Any way to avoid this in the future? I guess I feel like I need a good reason to think “fuck this person.” It’s hard for me to react to it in the moment when it’s not clear to me a)what they’re doing and b)how to effectively shut it down or extricate myself.
Boundaries.
Why do predators seem to always find the person who will let them sink their teeth in? They’re not seeking intelligently. What they’re doing is pushing boundaries with everyone. People with healthy boundaries are pushed away, people lacking boundaries let the predators in. The reason the predator got to you was that you either set no boundaries with them or you folded on a boundary you did give showing them how they can further take advantage of you. I was raised in such a way as to tolerate abuse and neglect so my boundaries let the predators right in historically.
“Predator” might seem like a strong word for emotional vampires, closet narcissists, and dependent personalities, but what they are doing is victim seeking. They can’t be another way until they identify their own behavior and choose to be another way. Let them push you away when they push your boundaries.