Hello!

My boyfriend (21) and I (21) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Due to a 3 hour distance we see each other once a week. We have been having issues for a couple of months because he got severely depressed and is very distant towards me. I try to support him as much as i can, even though it‘s hard sometimes. Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day and I always put in a lot of effort for his birthday (even though he rejected everything i planned this year because of his depression).

Anyways, i had an ex when i was 16-17, who was also my best friend and my neighbor. We started dating and he started doing heavy drugs. He was an alcoholic and an addict. He was in hospital 3 times for overdosing and due to all this he was also emotionally abusive. I carry a lot of trauma from that relationship, so my opinion of drugs (doesn‘t matter if it‘s weed or cocaine) is extremely not good. I hate it.

I told my boyfriend about this when we started dating and he agreed. A few months ago he went to the Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms. It bothered me a lot so I told him that I thought i made myself clear. He said he only tried it for fun and won‘t do it again.

Yesterday he confessed to me that he was taking lsd and mushrooms when he goes to work because he hates work so much and he also, a week ago, tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression) I was flabbergasted of course. Just a week ago we talked about how taking drugs is stupid if it‘s not for medical reasons (and even that was a compromise from my side). He agreed with me (while doing drugs daily) AND THEN THE NEXT DAY tried meth.

He had never done any of these things before and did them knowing how i feel about it and did it without considering my feelings. I feel betrayed because he lied to me for 2 months.

At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“. He said that it‘s easy to judge from the outside but i don‘t understand? i always consider him when i do things. I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun.

I would maybe have understood a little bit if he was doing it before we got together but he wasn‘t. He decided to do it and lie to me and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.

I am very lonely and i don‘t have anyone but him so I am laying in bed now thinking about what i should do. I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.

  • klemptor@startrek.websiteEnglish
    21·
    4 months ago

    Yeah, you’re overreacting a little, but more importantly, you can’t control him, nor should you want to. His decision to use drugs is his alone. What you can control is your involvement in the situation.

    Listen. You probably love this guy a lot, but he’s not giving you what you need at this point in your life:

    1. He’s too depressed to interact in the ways you need and the result is that he’s neglecting you (also, is he even trying to tackle his depression in any meaningful way? Therapy, medication, etc?)
    2. He’s making objectively poor decisions (fucking meth, ffs!)
    3. He lives too far away for a viable day-to-day relationship
    4. He’s not honest with you
    5. He’s distant and pushing you away

    And your reactions aren’t healthy. You’re upset that he’s doing things you don’t approve of, and you say:

    I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun

    but this isn’t how healthy adult relationships work. You are too entangled and you’re blurring the lines between his preferences and yours.

    You can’t fix him. Think of this relationship like a broken vending machine. You put your dollar in, but it doesn’t give you the snack you’re trying to buy. So you put another dollar in, but your snack still doesn’t come out. How many dollars do you feed the machine before you accept that it’s broken? The analogy here is that you can pour all the love and caring you want into this relationship, but it isn’t leading to the result you want. You’re in a relationship but still deeply lonely, and your partner is doing things that actively cross a line with you. Don’t keep wasting your emotional energy.

    At this point, staying with him because you’ve been together for nearly 3 years is a sunk cost fallacy. It’s really unlikely that things will improve with him at this point, and staying together just keeps you stuck in a bad situation, preventing you from finding someone who actually meets your needs.

    You know you ought to break up with him. You can still care about him from afar, but you need to disentangle from him. He is his own responsibility, not yours. And it’s OK to be single for a while! I would urge you not to jump into another relationship straight away. Right now, unhealthy relationship patterns are normal for you, so you should take time to process and recover, don’t just rebound. This will help you find a healthy, mature partner when you do start dating again. And you deserve a fulfilling, healthy relationship!

    Good luck!