I recently conmented on a meme with a little personal experience and would like to know what you fine peoples take is?
Thanks!
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Creepy.
she calls me creepy and to stop stalking her
That’s not a social cue - it’s a direct expression of a preference. And anon didn’t miss it - he ignored it.
Here’s what I see: she said you are stalking her and being creepy, you explain why it’s not. In her head you ignored it, so she got her friend involved to tell you the same thing, you ignored it again. Now she panics because two people have told you the same thing and you have ignored both people. From her perspective you are a danger, regardless if you are or not, which is why she denied sending her friend to text you. It is something to remember for the future, if two people say the same thing it should be looked into as it could be true. I have lived with Autistic people that have trouble with social cues, so I have some idea of what went wrong.
I feel like this is a good read of the situation. Chalk it up to a missed social cue and file it away as a learning. For what it’s worth, lots of people (autistic and not) have difficulty navigating this type of situation, particularly when in their teen years.
Ok saying im a danger is a bit of a stretch, but i get the point your making. It was a learning experience. See i think it was mostly the faliure on my part for her being “polite” and asking to just be friends and me missing that social queue.
and i was expecting just telling me to kick rocks. Which i feel was a large miscomunaction between both partys. And the friend thing was rather cryptic. Why not just go up and talk, i mean i was alone and im not muscular, tall Or violent. And me and (girl) where both in a mutal friend group, as soon as i knew who the girl was. I knew her, she knew me. It wasnt like we were strangers.
For added context, im a people pleaser and kinda a push over at least in high school. I always tried to be nice to people even ones that where austrasized for good reason. But i didnt know that at the time (kid cranking his hog in math class and got rightfully expelled a year later).
I just dont think ill ever understand why she didnt just say i dont want to be friends anymore? Instead of going through all this mess and complexity.
I know its kinda a deaf tone. But why cant people just say what they want. Like social ques are just so hard to read.
It can be difficult and uncomfortable to tell someone you don’t like them. For women, it can also be dangerous because some men get very aggressive when they’re turned down. You don’t know her experiences and why she chose to make those statements. I don’t think what she did was wrong.
I’ve been in similar shoes. It’s really hard to notice the cues. Neurotypical people also don’t understand how we think. Since they don’t know what to expect they get scared. They don’t know what other boundaries we’re not aware of.
I mean she did tell you to kick rocks, in so many words. No one wants to be friends with or even interact with someone they consider to be a stalker, let alone their stalker. She called you a stalker which implies she doesn’t want to be around you without saying so, many times people will avoid being so blunt about stuff like that for fear of retaliation. She was hoping you’d pick up on the hint that she doesn’t want to be friends without having to confront you about it directly.
I’m not passing any judgement, I think you were right it was a bit of a miscommunication on both ends; she wasn’t entirely clear and you missed the implications of her message.
I’m with you. While I’ve never been diagnosed as autistic, I do not pick up on social cue’s ever. It’s hard to explain how much better the world would seem (to me, at least) if people would just say what they mean. While being too forward could be misinterpreted as being rude, there is no room to miss a secret message when being direct.
I think you probably missed some social cues there and may have come off as creepy, I’m afraid. At least her reactions would suggest that. Of course I can’t really say much more without details that are no doubt lost to time.
I think you are spending too much effort to engage with a person that is not engaging back with you. Regardless if your behavior was creepy or not, you are worth more than that. That person wasn’t matching your effort in maintaining a relationship (friendship in this scenario). Remember it takes two to tango, no matter how much you want it, you won’t be able to carry a relationship on your own…
Yeah i was kinda desperate and loney at the time. I mostly decided to share to see if i was actually being creepy or autism had a large role in it.
Im really good at making friends but bad at ending friendships even i know there not worth having as friend.
Thanks for your input.
I’m not autistic, just ADHD, so please stop me if I’m invading a space where my commentary isn’t welcome.
You didn’t recognize that the girl in question was setting boundaries, which isn’t your fault, but I’ll get back to that in a minute. From her perspective, she made it clear that she wasn’t interested in you romantically, but she felt like subsequent actions still had romantic intent, like spending a lot of time near her and chatting. The way she was communicating with you wasn’t working, so she tried asking a friend to find an alternative resolution. I don’t want to get into the details of defining what “creepy” might mean to different people, but what’s important is that she felt unheard and wasn’t able to influence her environment to meet her needs. And that sucks for anyone.
Autism makes it hard to understand subtler forms of boundary setting, but you can totally learn how! I had a poor time understanding and respecting boundaries because throughout my whole childhood, my boundaries were never respected, nor were anyone’s boundaries in my childhood environment, so I never learned. And the things I implicitly learned where downright harmful. I may be projecting a bit, but I suspect you have a difficult time both setting and respecting boundaries because you haven’t been taught. Personally, I loved the book (or audiobook) Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Tawwab. It walks through a bunch of conversation examples regarding setting boundaries, which my autistic brother said is super helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Set-Boundaries-Find-Peace-Reclaiming/dp/0593192095
i will have to give it a read, thank you for your comment and insight!
Unfortunately ‘Creepy’ is subjective and poorly defined. It’s a feeling rather than ‘this meets XYZ criteria and therefore is creepy’.
she calls me creepy and to stop stalking her. I explain im not stalking im just being a friend and just enjoy talking inbetween class.
I agree with you that she’s not using ‘stalking’ correctly but I believe this was meant to terminate your platonic relationship. It’s upsetting but that’s likely the point.
random number of text message with photo of me 20 seconds ago at lunch table. panic issues, i message who dis. They reply, you dont need to know stop stalking (girls name). I explain its not stalking if i go up and say hello and talk to them.
This behavior is much more in-line with a correct usage of ‘stalking’. I would assume this escalation was taken as being fair game from your refusal to accept her use as stalking. That’s vexing but likely meant just to highlight their desire to terminate the relationship as that wasn’t clear from her first accusation.
OP has friends, when i was i that age, i talked to my freinds or cousin about this kind of thing, and they would explain it to me, and prevent me from doing stupid stuff. i therefore think the whole thing is either really creepy for real, or made up.
