They told me that if I went to college and got a job, I’d be able to afford groceries.
Speaking of college/jobs, they told me that going to them would help me make more friends.
They DO help a little, but you still have to do your part and not be an insufferable asshole.
May or may not be your situation. I don’t know.
But I do know plenty of people that need to learn that.
I’m unsure about the asshole part, but the biggest issue with me and friends is I’m not good at interacting. My mind draws an indecisive blank at open questions, even ones as simple as “how are you”. People don’t like feeling like they’re talking to a wall, so no friendships form. I am not neurotypical, this is hardwired into me and cannot be trained (unless you don’t mind me blurting out completely irrelevant topic matter as a form of conversation, which makes a conversation like a bundle of bricks without an adhesive makes a fort). The only reason I fare good when communicating long distance is because it’s not a live conversation and you can meditate on how you want to respond as you do. What I need is someone I can be silent with, and that’s just not something that exists, or so people would make me think.
The problem arises when people say “[random thing] will help you make friends” as if it’s about finding people. I’m surrounded by people everyday, and I’m not an introvert. That was never an issue. But it almost comes off as they’re using it as a gimmick, as it’s something people say of everything, whether college, jobs, the military, volunteer work, literally anything that one could argue they want to lure people into doing.
My response was mostly a joke, but now that you mention it, I relate with you more than you might expect.
Years in retail and sales helped me develop my “work face” which includes a list of go-to responses for the random bullshit people say every day.
I feel you there bud, I’m lucky I enjoy animal fact videos as a side screen thing so I can usually use that as a conversation piece if needed. Customer service jobs really helped me be able to put on a face.
I might understand developing this when it comes to a stressful job, but how could that be applied to general conversation, which has a broader track range?
And took out a pyramid scheme loan right?
My cat pretends he’s starving to death. Every day. Even though I just fed you, Mojo
Cats are assholes haha.
A former close friend kept me (f) around as a backup plan while she waited for her ex to “stop dating other people” so they could get back together. It fucked me up bad when I learned about it since we were REALLY close otherwise, basically a LTR in all but name. It sent me into a downward spiral that took years to recover.
I cut her out of my life after she showed up unannounced at an address I never gave her to tell me they got engaged.
That’s SUPER manipulative.
Oh, my parents take the prize.
To pick just one thing, I remember a disagreement about how to re-arrange the furniture my bedroom. I remember saying (and with regret as the words were leaving my mouth), “well, it is my room.” Instant shitshow. She announced that since she wasn’t needed she would be Running Away From Home.
Even at 5 or 6, I knew that this was the stupidest thing ever, but that she also wouldn’t back down unless I cried and chased her and begged her to stay. She got out the front door and slowly walked towards the street, stopping every few feet to look back. She had nowhere to go, obviously. If this were going to be a battle of wills, I held all the cards. I was also six. If I had been 16, I might have thought to lock the front door behind her. In any case, even at that age I knew that if I somehow won this, things could only get worse.
Yeah, I whipped up some tears and ran after her. But she never tried that one again and I like to think that it was because she got all the way to the street before she got her intended outcome.
what the fuck. i’m sorry this happened to you
That’s absolutely hideous. Sometimes they only care about how you reflect them.
One of my former supervisors told me I was not meeting expectations, but he was willing to work through it with me. We made a PDP(Personal Development Plan) on which I worked hard for a couple months, getting good feedback all the time. When the plan was done we had a final meeting to conclude it and see where I stood. He spent almost an hour telling me how happy he was with my progress and how I exceeded the goals we had set, only to then pull the carpet from under me, telling me how he was in talks with another manager and that he was kicking me off the team. It’s been over a year now and I still haven’t recovered from that.
That’s like psychopathic.
Yeah, a Buddy of mine still works under him and is now in a series of talks with HR about this supervisors assessment of his performance. Getting told how your work was “greatly exceeding” expectations but then only getting an “exceeds” in your appraisal, so you won’t get a raise and gaslighting my buddy when being asked about it. They then apologized and offered him 5% more, which he found insulting. He’s now doing the minimum and started updating on his CV
I’ll chip in. I had dropped out of college due to realizing the program wasn’t for me and had to move back in with my mom.
I had a bad habit of forgetting to lock the door, so to retaliate, she took all of my most expensive electronics and stashed them away, but claimed they were stolen (technically they were by her). This included my laptop with a full year of college work, which was mostly art that I cared a lot about.
I found out a year later from my dad that the whole family knew, but she demanded they keep it a secret. When I confronted her, she told me she had thrown it all in the garbage because at the time, I questioned if it was her that did it. Some totally backwards logic there.
Was going to write about an ex, but I think I’ll talk about my parents. I went away to college, first year, first semester. Winter break come around and I’m planning on coming home to spend christmas with my family for a week or two, stay in my bedroom, etc. I arrive home for the first time since the beginning of the semester, and … my bedroom is gone. My parents remodeled the house while I was away and they extended the living room by knocking out my bedroom. They never even asked me about it, told me anything, I just found out I have no place to come back to once I walked through the front door. That sort of brazen rejection as a teenager… it fucked me up.
That’s insane. Did you ever go home after that? Like that’s… rejection to me.
I never went home much after that because it wasn’t home anymore. Then I came out and things deteriorated even more. I wasn’t allowed to tell my siblings (I’m the oldest) and I wasn’t allowed to be alone with them. Nowadays I don’t talk to my dad and I text my mom Merry Christmas once a year.
Fuck parents who keep their kids in the closet so hard.
Hey just so you know, myself and the rest of the world with the most baseline levels of empathy give you 100% permission to talk and be around anyone you so choose…not that you need the permission to begin with.
Thanks, I appreciate that, but all that was 20 years ago.
First ex would threaten to kill herself everyday if I didn’t bend over backwards for her.
Also shit that my parents did but they were young and dumb trying to raise a kid and our relationship is actually very solid now
That’s probably BPD, your ex.
no??? don’t make assumptions on someone’s mental health just based off of random tidbits of information online. my ex had a lot of problems that iirc she was diagnosed with, but that wasn’t one of them. it’s incredibly harmful and damaging to make wild assumptions like that, both for the people in question and people actually affected by the illnesses you’re talking about. my ex was crazy but we were also teenagers and we both had a lot of trauma in our youths. I’ve also dated people with diagnosed BPD and it was nowhere even near the same level of craziness as my first ex. don’t just go saying someone is bipolar off random shit, that’s harmful to the person in question and the people who genuinely have BPD.
I just replied 2 minutes late saying similar, thank you for sticking up for marginalized and wrongly stigmatized individuals <3
Though an important distinction; BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder (a personality disorder often caused by early childhood trauma), whereas Bipolar Disorder is a very different diagnosis (a mood disorder usually caused by genetic inheritance). It’s shortened to just “bipolar” or BD
(though they’re not mutually exclusive, and plenty of unlucky individuals have both, like me)
i have mental illness and trauma i myself have worked through to get to a much healthier and saner point in my life, so i hate seeing people disparage shit like that off the cuff. also im unsure if the person knows that distinction as well given their comment, but i appreciate the knowledge!
You can’t really assume that just based on the fact that the person was manipulative. BPD doesn’t deserve the hatred and stigma that it has, because not all individuals with BPD are manipulative or toxic, and individuals without the disorder can be terrible and abusive just the same.
Please don’t further spread negative stigma about people who struggle with a very difficult disorder which does not inherently make us awful, manipulative people.
(Signed, someone with BPD who is very aware of how she treats others and has a very healthy and fulfilling relationship with another individual with BPD)
I grew up with one. I cannot agree.
Just because you know one person who has a particular disorder does not mean that every person with the disorder is the same as them. That’s harmful and reductive, if not downright dehumanizing.
Try reading the subreddit r/BPDlovedones. They all have the same experience over and over and over again with borderlines. Haven’t seen one who has had a good outcome with a relationship with a borderline. They’re all there because it’s terrifying and terrorizing.
The only people who post there are those who had bad relationships with individuals with BPD, the ones who have healthy and happy relationships will not post there, obviously. Just because some people have bad experiences with others who have untreated BPD doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is guaranteed to behave in the same ways.
If there was a subreddit called r/lefthandedlovedones full of people complaining about bad experiences with left handed people, that doesn’t mean that all left handed people are abusive.
Find me someone who has had a good relationship with a borderline. Find me a subreddit that has people with those experiences. There isn’t and that’s because it’s universally a terrible experience.
First off, good on you for being aware of the fact that you have BPD and for working on yourself. I mean that sincerely. You probably don’t realize that you are a statistical anomoly, at least based on my extensive research. Very, very few people with BPD are ever diagnosed and probably fewer still possess the emotional awareness to even acknowledge that they have a borderline personality.
Second, you shouldn’t take OP’s comments personally. Yes, BPD is a horrible mental illness. And as someone who spent six years married to someone who I am 99.99% sure has undiagnosed BPD, I understand it much better than I want to. I could make a movie about that chapter of my life and it would be like watching a horrible Trainwreck. Over the years I’ve read and heard horror story after horror story from other people with SO’s, parents, and friends who are struggling with BPD (virtually all of them unknowingly) and honestly, BPD has earned every single bit of its stigma.
You just happen to be in a better situation than most of the people who struggle with it.
It’s a toss up between
- R telling me she was on birth control, I guess thinking it’d keep me around if we had a kid, then when our kid was age 4 she said she had cancer and disappeared for several months. Turns out she never had cancer and just said that so I wouldn’t think poorly of her for abandoning her child to run off with a guy in another state. …Her child that she was barely present for anyway.
- D getting me to empty my 401k to buy a house as an investment property for “our” retirement, only for her to keep it in the divorce. I could have pushed for it to be sold and gotten at least some of my money back, but she would have put up such a fight that I’d have spent in attorney’s fees as much as I would have won from the sale, so it wasn’t worth the fight to me, and she knew that.
What’d I learn from these? Not a whole lot, it turned out: my next relationship wasn’t much better. But at least I figured out to end that one before it got TOO too deep.
I had an ex pressure me real hard to get an apartment with her so she could move out of her mom’s house. When I was apprehensive she started tanking her relationship with her mom, starting fights over extremely small issues, and then pointing at those fights as reason that she needed to move out immediately.
When I still didn’t drop everything to cohabitate, she moved to a town an hour away and started pressing me to borrow a car or hitch a ride to go visit her (my vehicle can’t do more then half an hour on the highway without overheating). The first and only time I went I had gotten a ride intending to spend the night. She was at work when I got there so I cleaned up some trash and had dinner delivered.
I don’t have a great memory of what all happened when she got home, but I ended up having a panic attack during which she was very intently pressing me to admit that something was my fault. After what felt like hours she abruptly grabbed her keys and left without saying anything about where or why she was going. I had to call my mom for a ride because no one else was answering.
Ex returned before my mom got there, apparently she was “giving me some space” and was now angry that I didn’t appreciate it. The next day I got a short-story-length text from her asserting that I needed to apologize for “freaking out over nothing”.
I reckon this wasn’t even really the worst thing, per se. But it was the last thing, so it sticks out a lot in my mind. Somewhere I have a folder filled with screenshots of the worst of the emotional abuse/manipulation. It’s easy to forget the unsavory parts of someone you loved once. You have to keep a record so you don’t get used.
Mmmm I know this all too well. It’s awful.
My last ex was becoming increasingly verbal and even physically abusive. I broke up with her months ago when she laid her first hands (and a broom) on me. Since then, she tried to contact me throughout all the social media and even email while still running the smear campaign mill. I blocked her everywhere, tried to contact me through a friend (who saw through her bullshit and started spying for me instead - only for any hurtful stuff that may come my way) and even tried to unsuccessfully hack my fb, Yahoo and (even if she didn’t know it, maybe from the “Forgot Password” prompt) my Outlook accounts. Even yesterday she sent me a degrading and triggering message from an old account of her that I forgot it existed. I’m going to the psychologist tomorrow to seek more healing support
Super manipulative.
My birth mother’s constant gaslighting. I’m 4 years free of her shit and no longer working to the bone just to stay away from home.
I’m not going to detail everything but it boiled down to unclear directions, didn’t happen the way she wanted yet exactly as she directed, gaslit me into thinking I didn’t follow her directions.
Got old like milk as soon as I started writing down and recording what she initially said.
Feel you on the crazy mother thing.
My exfather deliberately cooked food I didn’t like to prove I actually like it and just do it for attention. He’s a trained chef. It started when I was three and only stopped when I moved out and stopped eating his meals.
I’ve had an extremely physically abusive ex sign up for things under my name, leaving me to fight to have to cancel it. Even had to get a case number with this person.
I’ve had a teacher who tried to fail me for no other reason than they didn’t like my opinion on a project despite I was the only student who finished that project while everyone bailed for no other reason than it was summer.
I’ve had ex friends who would emotionally abuse me for no reason other than they were emotionally fucked up people like: Take off in the middle of the party pretend to be upset.didn’t tell us where she went. Try to call them. They wouldn’t return the call for 4 days leaving everyone worried about them. They were completely fine. They played the ‘im just an introvert’ bullshit. I know it’s bullshit cuz I am introvert and that’s not what introvert does nor is it an excuse. This asshole went on to do more shit like invite people she knew I had issues with expecting us to fight so she could be entertained fucking around with people. Luckily the other person caught on what was going on so we just played nice. We both felt used. She pulled the ‘I’m not picking sides’ which is picking sides. She did this to both of us I’m sure. The last straw was her involvement when I had been seeing a guy which ended badly. he was kind of an asshole and I was fresh out of a long term anyways and figured it was too soon anyways. So we just never called each other again and moved on. He started seeing one of her friends. But then would show up in my neighborhood and it felt like he was following me. Would show up to parties my own friends were having and my own department parties and ask about me, wondering when I’d arrive(we worked at same company but entirely different depts). When I told her I felt uneasy about him and felt a bit stalked she dismissed me. Told me he was not into me. I never spoke again to her after that. She was a wreck herself anyways. Kept hitting on one of my other friends who was feeling a bit creeped out by her. And dated a guy who was cheating on his girlfriend with her. Then he saw yet another woman…whom she got jealous of but…anyways… glad I just moved away from that shitshow.
I had one ex friend who cried in computer class who was being bullied whom I thought I’d help out. They took the side of the bully and they both turned on me.
I could go on but there isn’t really a point to it. I learned some important stuff from this. Like boundaries. To watch and wait before jumping in to help. To observe other people for longer before trusting. To observe other people and their intent better.
But what was really important for me was to seek out the better people to surround myself with. They are out there. dwelling on this kind of bullshit serves nothing more than to overlook, distract from counting the good people in my life. Con artists are everywhere so don’t give them too much of your time and don’t let them live in your head free of rent. And don’t take up a reservation for resentment. Then all the good people get missed. Focus on the good ones. Don’t take them for granted.it’s real easy to turn into an asshole and not realize it when you start taking that for granted. So remember the good. Make it an intention.
Mine is; forcing me to have sex with him twice when I had Norovirus and had JUST stopped the vomiting and diarrhea like 12 hours tops beforehand. His words “Well let me just use you” (to get off being the implication). Then he got Norovirus and made me take him to the ER and acted like an infant.
Don’t ever tie your finances to someone who will wreck them and trap yourself forever is all I can say. Not worth it just to not be alone.
