As somebody who had a traumatic upbringing (lost dad at a young age, mom allowed an abusive father figure into our lives, grew up closeted LGBT with a very right wing Christian mother), it honestly feels weird and almost alien seeing people with good, healthy relationships with their parent or parents. I can’t deny there’s occasional jealousy, but just the thought of having the desire to just, be with my mom and do stuff with her? It’s one that never crosses my mind.
Like I’ll see folks online talking about their parents and how they see them as close friends in their adulthoods, and that’s always righteous to see! But then I look at the woman who called me a selfish attention seeking brat when I admitted to her I’d nearly blasted my brains open with a shotgun (at the time I was trapped in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship), and I can’t really bring myself to call her my friend. Just the idea of hanging out with her, watching movies or playing games… It just feels strange.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and it’s no surprise you feel that way. Though I didn’t experience a fraction of the trauma you did, I ended up in a similar place in terms of my relationship with my own parents.
My upbringing and the resulting way I feel towards my parents definitely instilled a desire in me to not repeat their mistakes, and I was mostly successful at that, though I know I did repeat a few, and managed to make plenty of my own wholly original mistakes as I’ve helped to raise my kids.
I don’t know if you are or plan to become a parent, but I hope that you are someday able to experience a healthy parent/child dynamic from one side or another.
Haven’t had the desire nor intent to have children, myself, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless. My experiences taught me that family is what you make of it, and I’ve a family of my own sort full of the kindest, most helping and understanding people I know. While I won’t experience a healthy “parent/child” dynamic myself, I’ve made peace with that. I’ve got a life of my own to make, and I’ve found the best people to spend it with.
Take pride in what you’re doing, mate. Even with the mistakes you’re hinting at, you’re going at it with the right mindset, the ideal attitude, and your kids will certainly appreciate what you’re doing for them. Breaking the cycle of abuse/familial trauma is not an easy task, nor is it something many people even realize is something they can or should do, so to see a parent being determined to break that cycle always warms my heart.
This is the happiest a comment has made me all day. I am so glad you found the family you weren’t born into. I’m a middle aged dad of a 7 year old, and I can’t imagine how broken inside somebody has to be to traumatize their own child like that. In many cases I think it is a cycle of abuse, so good on you for breaking the cycle whether you ever have/adopt kids or not.
As somebody who had a traumatic upbringing (lost dad at a young age, mom allowed an abusive father figure into our lives, grew up closeted LGBT with a very right wing Christian mother), it honestly feels weird and almost alien seeing people with good, healthy relationships with their parent or parents. I can’t deny there’s occasional jealousy, but just the thought of having the desire to just, be with my mom and do stuff with her? It’s one that never crosses my mind.
Like I’ll see folks online talking about their parents and how they see them as close friends in their adulthoods, and that’s always righteous to see! But then I look at the woman who called me a selfish attention seeking brat when I admitted to her I’d nearly blasted my brains open with a shotgun (at the time I was trapped in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship), and I can’t really bring myself to call her my friend. Just the idea of hanging out with her, watching movies or playing games… It just feels strange.
I’m so sorry you went through that, and it’s no surprise you feel that way. Though I didn’t experience a fraction of the trauma you did, I ended up in a similar place in terms of my relationship with my own parents.
My upbringing and the resulting way I feel towards my parents definitely instilled a desire in me to not repeat their mistakes, and I was mostly successful at that, though I know I did repeat a few, and managed to make plenty of my own wholly original mistakes as I’ve helped to raise my kids.
I don’t know if you are or plan to become a parent, but I hope that you are someday able to experience a healthy parent/child dynamic from one side or another.
Haven’t had the desire nor intent to have children, myself, but the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless. My experiences taught me that family is what you make of it, and I’ve a family of my own sort full of the kindest, most helping and understanding people I know. While I won’t experience a healthy “parent/child” dynamic myself, I’ve made peace with that. I’ve got a life of my own to make, and I’ve found the best people to spend it with.
Take pride in what you’re doing, mate. Even with the mistakes you’re hinting at, you’re going at it with the right mindset, the ideal attitude, and your kids will certainly appreciate what you’re doing for them. Breaking the cycle of abuse/familial trauma is not an easy task, nor is it something many people even realize is something they can or should do, so to see a parent being determined to break that cycle always warms my heart.
This is the happiest a comment has made me all day. I am so glad you found the family you weren’t born into. I’m a middle aged dad of a 7 year old, and I can’t imagine how broken inside somebody has to be to traumatize their own child like that. In many cases I think it is a cycle of abuse, so good on you for breaking the cycle whether you ever have/adopt kids or not.