They were both in their early 80s and had been together long enough they decided to move in together.
She had 5 huge framed paintings (prints) that no longer had walls to hang upon, and she wanted me to have them. All 5 of them.
Gigantic shitty prints with ostentatious gold-painted frames, featuring rose vases and fruit baskets and the like.
I think we are all familiar with this kind of “old lady” art. It was popular among the same clientele who would purchase ugly mass produced china to keep and not use. Basically department store rubbish of their day.
It was completely okay that she offered them to me.
It was not fine that she would not take “no thank you” for an answer and kept on pressing.
It was not fine when she would not accept my answers of “I do not like them” and “I do not want them” and “they are ugly” and “if you insist on giving them away, give them to a thrift store”.
It didn’t feel particularly pleasant to me when she acted as though she was doing me a great favor, and insinuated I was being ungrateful by not appreciating their inherent value.
Finally I cracked and said okay I will take one of the paintings, may I have that big rose painting at the front?
Yes.
It becomes my property, you won’t ask for it back?
Yes it’s yours!
I picked up the painting and out the front door I went. I leaned the painting up against the elm tree on the boulevard at a 45 degree angle and proceeded to kick a hole right in the center.
I went back and said do you still want to give me those other paintings?
Later that week when I was taking gramps out for lunch he told me that it was one of the funniest things ever, and he completely agreed that it was the right thing to do given how absurd her insistence had gotten. He also said he was made to suffer for my actions though lol - although he really did not lay any blame at my feet, he let the punishment roll off his back like he always did, good guy!
I would of course never behave that way now that I’m an older man. I would just more insistently say that I’m not going to take them under any circumstances.
I was inspired to tell this story based on something I read in another thread. People were delighted to tell their mom they’re just going to throw her china in the garbage and relating how mom was freaking out, and they were relishing it!
Just makes me feel sad. When you get elderly you lose so much power that small things become exaggeratedly important or meaningful.
Unfortunately that doesn’t come with more eloquence or ability to read the room. Not looking forward to being in that position.
I agree. Leaving your stuff with someone is a thin thread of connection that can survive you. Rejecting stuff is rejecting that connection. So those of us who are younger need to find a replacement connection.
“I don’t want the painting, but could you tell me some stories about your childhood while I record them?” Or “tell me about where you got those paintings?” Or “teach me to crochet/ garden/ make your secret recipe?”
@AnalogyAddict that’s such a good idea.
I’ve also found that helping to find “a good home” for stuff (that isn’t me) can be meaningful.
My wife would 100% get upset if one of our kids said they would do away with our china. Some of it she got from her mom. Some of it she got from her grandma.
We’ve dragged this heavy shit though at least a half dozen houses and we’ve used it approximately that many times. But I get it. It’s not the china, it’s the connection between one generation and the next.
In some ways, this stupid shit we leave behind is all we have to mark our existence and that of the people we loved growing up. That continuity gives us some peace. We want to know we will be thought of when the china comes out, or when you write on that ugly old desk. Because the day no one thinks of us again is the day we truly die.
So, in my wife’s case, threatening to throw that shit away is not just throwing her away, but her mother and grandmother as well. Me, I’ve taken up woodworking in the hopes that some day I’ll be skilled enough to make a couple things worthy of keeping so my kids can feel that sense of connection to me after I’m gone, though really my kids are my legacy to the world.
I know that shit is impractical, and I understand that our kids might well throw it in the garbage after we are gone (or just after we are beyond the point of asking why you didn’t use it for our grandchild’s baby shower or whatever). Christ, my grandpa gave my folks bear claw ashtrays and they didn’t even smoke. Those were tacky as fuck. But I should hope our kids would have the grace to get rid of it discretely as a simple kindness. One hopes it’s easier to just drive that shit to Goodwill than needlessly inflict pain on someone confronting their own mortality.
I don’t intend this as an admonishment. It’s weird (and perhaps sad) that she tried to give pictures to someone she isn’t really connected to. Your grandfather’s reaction tells me all I need to know about that. I was more having empathy toward the subject of your last paragraph. Handling situations with grace and empathy doesn’t require a lot of extra effort, though it doesn’t make for internet hilarity.
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I don’t have an improv comedy troop at my disposal, but if I did, I’d have them do this as a sketch. “thats gold jerry, gold!”
Why do they call it ovaltine?
I’m flexible. I would have just taken them and thrown them somewhere in a dumpster. No one needs to suffer 😊.
If she visits my home at some point, I would just say my cousin fell in love with them and I just couldn’t say no, so I gave them to my cousin.
I let my emotions get the best of me as a young man.
Still though, the best answer for me now is to not let other people make their problems my problems. The old cliche of “no” being a complete and unambiguous answer. Repeat until heard.
I do agree on that. I might ask “are you sure” after hearing a “no”, but that’s about it. After the second time, I don’t push any more. It’s polite and you got your answer two times in a row, so… I’d say that settles it.
My mother in law had a bunch of Hummel figurines and was confident they were worth a billion dollars. She wondered why they sat on market places so long and people weren’t falling all over themselves to buy them. My wife and I said it’s because they are ugly and stupid and worthless. I offered to give her $10 for every one she smashed on the ground. She declined and eventually donated them to the Salvation Army.
Oh my grandmother had those little Red Rose tea figurines all over her house. Literally hundreds of them.
She treated them like they were priceless and would give them out as gifts.
I tried explaining to her that you’re not going to get a free item in a box of tea that is worth more than the box of tea - do the basic logic gramma.
This fell on deaf ears.
At least she can always fall back on her extensive collection of Bradford Exchange commemorative plates.
Learning to say no can take years. What was the other post you are relating to?
