We’ve been in counseling for about a year, and both of us have been getting better in our respective ways. Issue I’m having now is I’m emotionally tapped out and don’t have the same interest or desire for them as I did. I love them very much, but I’m becoming quite indifferent and have been enjoying my time away from them more than with them. Our first years were awesome, but the last two have just been stressful and tiring; it’s been hard to just move past that.

Any advice from those who have been through rough patches and it turned out better?

  • KitEnglish
    4·
    8 months ago

    I have a lot to say on this subject but I’m not in a position to type a novel. Commenting as a reminder to check back on this later tonight. Tl;Dr takes a lot of work and soul searching.

    Edit: Finally getting around to this. The holiday was super busy.

    My partner and I have been through many ups and downs. The secret I’ve found is to force yourself to have adventures together. Go hiking somewhere you’ve never been, attend an event, take a vacation to the beach. Make memories!

    Also, what really clicked for me was advice I received from my therapist. Imagine a chart with submissive/dominant on one axis and nice/mean on the other. Chart out exactly where you want your partner to be, and have them do the same.

    Then you do the work to encourage your partner to get to your ideal place, and they do the same for their ideal. If you want them to be nicer, be nicer to them. That part of the axis is nice-to-nice and mean-to-mean. But the other axis is opposite - if you want them to be more dominant, then you need to be more submissive and vice-versa.

    My partner and I tried this strategy very deliberately for a few weeks and it did wonders for us. Eventually it stuck. Our dynamic is now very powerful and fulfilling.

    Admittedly we’re still struggling with intimacy after an affair on his part, but I feel hopeful that we’ll make it work.